Break Time

My computer cable's wires are frayed and exposed. If I tilk them the wrong way, my computer shuts off. Fuck me. I'm writing a quickie about today, seeing as though it's almost 11 and I've still got 40 more pages to read. Starting to hate this book... Ugh. Today was a good day, food-wise, but a bad day all other ways. The girl who molested me has stained my life. Completely stained it. And I want to change schools, but my parents want to make a case for bullying against her. They'll never get one. She doesn't bully me so much as do every single activity simply so I can't. And make eye contact with me in the halls. And just be a generally ugly person. I hate being alive because of her. And I hate being alive because of her because of my parents. I wish I never had to see any of them ever again. Life would be managable if I changed school and never had to see her again. Life would be even more managable if my parents didn't need as much explaination as they're requesting.

I need a break from everything, and I know I'll never get one. I'm in this for life, baby, with no time to escape. It's always, GO GO GO. I don't think people realize that I have no time to just sit down and listen to music anymore. It only adds to the misery. I weigh 118 pounds. They're coming off. Now I just can't screw it up. Never again will I be 122. Time to read...

October 4. Time to Get Smart.

I'm going to run out of time on posting this one, so I'll have to do a half-assed post, which pisses me off! Urggghhh!!! No bueno. Stupid school. Anyway, I have a feeling today's going to be a great day, because I love almonds, and I really do have a lot of schoolwork to do. Like, a ton. I have an entire half of a book to read by tomorrow. At least it's a good book! My Name is Asher Lev. Ever hear of it? Pretty decent read.

Okay, so I'm a little worried about school today. I'm worried that I won't be able to keep up on that research paper. I haven't gotten any resources yet. I'm going to be okay... I'm going to be okay... I can't get myself worked up like this. Those are the times that I'm most likely to try and kill myself. Please excuse the lack of pants in the pictures below. I'm wearing a dress today, and I didn't feel like wasting a pair. Look at those awful legs... I know what you're thinking, ladies, "How can those possibly fit into a size 3?" I know. They're disgusting. But that'll all change, mkay? With the help of all of you guys, that can change. We can work together to become perfect. I do see some hipbones, though... Yay!

After the Partay

Wow. Pretty decent day. Wasn't even hungry! I mean, I munched a little (like, a nibble of cheese here, a single meatball, 1 mini-Twix, a couple of mini-Snickers, the cereal this morning...), but I didn't eat a meal and I ate my fill of blueberries and had a smoothie. I had a tiny carton of blueberries (they were fucking 5 bucks!), and my stepfather made a smoothie this morning with mixed berries, so I had that about an hour ago. Tomorrow's Little Miss Brainy's day to shine, so I eat almonds, read a shit-ton, and get some of this research project out of the way. Ugh... My honors comp class has assigned this research paper where we research a time period and write a narrative about us giving them a gift. My topic is Rome before the fall. We have to use all book resources. I have no time to go to the library, and even if I did my library card's fucked. I don't know what I'm going to do! We have 40 notecards due in a week. I'm screwed.

I just bought the demo for The Summer Soundtrack off of iTunes. I never buy off of iTunes, but whatever. I want to support them. You know what's crazy? I don't think I'm losing weight yet. I don't think I'm giving my body enough of a deficite. No good. That must change, and fast, before this month is over. I will not give in to the desires of my stomach. I will have control of my body and fuck it into submission. My size 3's will fit like my size 7's by November. I swear it.

October 3rd - Little Miss Bossy

To Peri: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! So funny! No pennance, just laughter!

She's blue. And round. And berry-like. Therefore, today I eat blueberries and a mixed berry smoothie. I already asked mumsy if we could get blueberries, so now I don't even have to be sneaky! Yay.

The show last night was amazing, even though I wasn't as active as I usually am. The t-shirt I'm wearing in that picture is from a band called The Summer Soundtrack. They were so kind, and sweet. There were so many cute guys, it was rediculous! I'm gonna sound like a whore, but I would have slept with half of them. Incredible amounts of yum. I didn't get any pictures to post for you, but take my word on it. I wasn't as active as I usually am at shows, because there were no breakdowns during which time we're supposed to mosh! Let's just say that I'm a petite mosh warrior. It's what I live for. I love nothing more than to mosh. It's the greatst form of group therapy that anybody's ever experienced. Regardless of how much I love it, we didn't get to do it last night, and it hindered my calorie-burning experience. Ah, well.

I won't lie. I had a bowl of generic-brand Captain Crunch this morning. I guess the Crunch Berries count as berries? Or not. Tee hee! My sister's having a birthday party today, and I have to come up with a scavenger hunt for her and her little friends. I think it'll be fun! I'm trying to think of clues, though... I'm not going to have them go any farther than the schoolyard across the street from our house, but even that can yield some fun.

Following up!

Today has been successful! I've gotten tons of vitamins from my orange juices and haven't binged. This morning I grazed about 100 calories, went off to meet Toro, ate lunch with our friends and her family, shopped, my parents picked me up and then we went to dinner. I had cereal and saltine crackers this morning, pizza at lunch (they didn't order a salad, so we didn't have any), a teenie bite of ice cream while we shopped, and a bowl of fruit at dinner (we went to iHop). I can't help but nibble when I'm bored.
Things That Went Well (as per my theme today):

• I didn't binge this morning, even though I wanted to, and I had orange juice.
• The pizza I ate was my only meal today, and I'm going to a concert tonight, so all the calories will go away, anyway.
• I didn't seem weird food-wise while we shopped.
• I turned a 330 calorie fruit and yogurt bowl into a 130 calorie fruit and yogurt bowl by not eating the yogurt. It was a freaking strawberry Go-Gurt, for crying out loud! Of course I wasn't going to eat that. And I didn't eat all the fruit. Proud! And, I had orange juice.

Pretty good day, if you ask me! And once I burn off all the pizza calories tonight at the show it'll be even better. Tomorrow's gonna be easy. I'll buy a carton of blueberries and a smoothie in the morning, and be able to skip dinner, because my sister's having a dinner party for her friends! Perfect!!! Can't wait. I love you all, my petals.

Oh! And Lola, you're awesome. Thank you for the reassurance about the pizza.

October 2nd: The Test

Yesterday? Bomb. I fasted until dinnertime, at which point I ate little. We weren't going to have cake, so I decided to eat a mite of dinner. Yes, weird photo. I know. But I use it because I was so surprised that I haven't gained any weight and that I've stayed even at 119.5 for a while. Makes me happy. I'm so proud of myself. Now all I have to do is continue to restrict and restrict and restrict until the photos I post up here start looking better. A blog a day keeps 120 pounds away. I don't ever want to see that on the scale again. I feel so awful when I see it. Therefore, I will not see it. See? Simple decision making skills. My step-father's mother is in town. She's incredibly fat! I kid you not, this woman is like a powder-blue whale. That's really rude of me to say... but I have to remind myself that I can't be like her. Ever. I want to be young forever. I never want to grow up... I love myself the way I am, and what I don't love I can change. Sound fair? yes. very fair.

So, I'm going shopping with some friends for one of their birthdays. I'll take pictures. But anyway, we're meeting up for lunch downtown first, and I'm scared. We're going to my favorite pizza place. I mean, they've got salad, but I love the pizza there... Simply love it. More than any other food on earth. What do I do? Do I order an orange juice and water, drink as much as I can and then nibble on one slice? Do I eat the pizza and nothing else all day? That would be breaking the rules, since today is Little Miss All-Goes-Well day.

Today is carrots and oranges. Not pizza. I'm going to just get the salad and nibble on the pizza. It sounds safe. I'm excited to go shopping, though. It sounds like so much fun, and these girls are amazing. I'm surprised they remembered to ask me. Usually people forget that I'm alive when it comes to fun things.

Wish me luck today. I'll need it a lot. I love and miss all of you lovelies. Continue on your journeys! It's so worth it in the end.

October 1st: The First Moments

I'm so jazzed for this. I've decided to monitor my progress through photos all month. Today's Little Miss Birthday day, so it means fasting by day, birthday cake by night. I can totally do that. I'll start by brushing my teeth, so I don't want anything for breakfast, and then carry large amounts of gum for the rest of the day. After school is going to be the hardest for me. I'll have to be strategic. We are all going to do so well, it's not even funny. This is why we're here! We're here to be tiny, strong woman-warriors, and that's what this process is going to do. Stay strong, ladies. Please. The dissappointment wouldn't be worth it. We can do this. Fill our bodies with metaphors and books. Knowledge. Let nothing stand in our way from being perfect.

These are my legs from the side. See the weird S thing I talked about in my first blog entry ever? You can see it here.

My stomach. Not a big deal, it just makes me feel all womanly! I hate feeling like a woman, or that I'll have to become a woman one day. I really do. Heh, that's my GWAR t-shirt... It makes me feel like a teenage boy.

My tummy from the side. Lumpy, bumpy, no bueno-ness. You can also see my replacement red bracelet in this one. I miss my old one!!!