My Head Feels Cold...

...and it feels great. With my hair so short, I can feel everything. It's all so tingly.

Today was over the goal, but by 100 calories, that's better than I expected.

I've got school tomorrow. Ugh! I hate school! I'd rather just frolick in the outside! Away from all the food I've got to avoid! But I really do hate school. I love to learn, but school is freaking unbearable. I wonder what people are going to say about my hair... Will they call me a dyke again? People already think I'm a lesbian. Why, oh WHY did I cut it off??? I make bad decisions.

There's this guy. There's always a guy... We'll call him M. M used to talk about himself a lot, but he's gotten better. He drove me home (with 5 other people in the car. 7 total), and I sat in the front seat. We talked about the White Stripes. I suck at flirting. But I'm going to have this one. I WILL. I'll be thin and I'll learn how to flirt. It's a skill. A skill I never developed. High time. We have good conversation. Good conversation + a wink here and there = dinner sometime?

I'm Back

I've decided to start blogging again, because I'm not losing any weight. I lose weight when I blog. I need to blog, because I need to lose weight. I need to be perfect.

Things haven't been great. I've been eating normally (accompanied by mass amounts of guilt. but I can't help myself). I'm always feeling guilty, because I'm always eating meals. I'm sick of feeling this guilt. I need to fly! I need to feel beautiful! I need to be beautiful. I just cut off all of my hair yesterday. I look like Carrie Mulligan. Except for the acne. And the fat. I cut my hair as encouragement. I don't fit my haircut yet, and I will once I clear up my face and lose some weight. However much it takes, I'll lose it. It's working so far. I've washed my face morning, noon and night and have had little to eat today. No more than 900 calories today, mkaaaaay missy? 900 calories... I know that's below starvation level, but it seems like so freaking much! I've lost all of my restricting power and I desperately need it back. I'll start at fat-person level (900) and slowly get myself back down to where I was when I weighed 113 pounds (300).

Auditions for Peter Pan are on December 6th. I have theater-lust for the opportunity to play Peter. How do I get there?

1. cut my hair (done)
2. weigh 110 pounds (or less)
3. find an audition monologue (hard)
4. find an audition song (harder)

Losing weight isn't hard. All it takes is a little chutzpa and will-power, because as I've discovered, the easiest way to lose weight is to stop eating. I need to be beautiful again... I want to be a lovely 113. So close to 110. So close to 100... It's time to start over.

B - special k - 110

- milk - 85

- yogurt - 180

L - bread - 180

- cheese - 70

I also need to start writing in that journal again, because it helped me when I was at school to focus on why I can't binge. I binged a lot less when I journaled. And I ate a lot less when I blogged... I'm sorry for leaving you girls for so long. I thought I could focus if I were on my own. But, I was wrong. And I'm sorry. I don't want to fail you girls. You all mean so much to me, okay? I've caught up on your blogs, and you're such inspirations to me. I can completely relate. Take care. I'll write again later tonight.

Abstain

I have decided that I will not post a single thing until I reach magic number 117, which will signify that I have gotten back on track. I have fallen severely off the wagon. I binge all day, every day. This is not okay. Punnishable by Blogger death. I love every single one of you, but I need to put my nose down to the grindstone and get moving. I'm messing myself up. What I'm doing is not okay. I need to be pretty. I need to be perfect.

October 7, Little Miss Calamity

No pictures today, either!!! I weigh 118 pounds. I'm excited to see that 7. Yay!

Ugh... I'm so weird. I love the smell of weed. Correction:I love the smell of weed on boys. You know, that smell that kind of smells like dank fabric softener? I love it... I just want to snuggle up to it. I'm completely straight edge. I don't even drink coffee anymore. But I love the smell. There's this boy who sits next to me in French. We'll call him E. We had a standardized test yesterday, and E was completely stoned. Like, stoned out of his mind, which was weird, because I didn't think he smoked. He always seemed like a good kid. Anyway, he was stoned out of his mind, and when I saw him in French he smelled amazing. I wanted to just jump into his arms. Obviously I didn't. Duh. But I wanted to. J used to smell the same way, although the attraction wasn't as strong because he wasn't as cute as E is.

I'm just ranting right now. I'm so sexually frustrated currently without any outlet for it. Something needs to happen. Something. Anything. Sex takes my mind off of food. Food is the enemy. Today I was good about food. I treated myself a little, but I was good. Orange juice and dinner. Except I ate dinner early and drank 2 glasses of orange juice. I hope the rest of you are doing as well. We're going to drop this weight. We're gonna be pretty! Yay!

No Good. No Good.

My day was fine, but I'm pissed. I'm pissed about the fact that the power cord to my laptop has died completely. There's nothing I can do about it, either, so I just have to wait until I can get another one. So, what that means, girlies, is that I will not be posting any more pictures until then. Ugh!!! I'll still take them, and when I get the cord I'll post a huge spread.

I had a banana for breakfast, snacked a little bit, and then made myself a smoothie with a banana, strawberry yogurt, and orange juice. Very tasty! I miss having friends... I miss going out with people, and I miss being loved. I want to flirt. I want to find the guy. Any guy. I need affection. My parents are going out of town this weekend. I'm going to have the ex spend the night. I need affection, and he still wants me. It's not in my nature to take advantage of people, so I won't take advantage of him. It's not my intention to take advantage of him. I do still love him... But I want to move on. But I also want him in my bed. I'm so confused. My body is no longer my body. It won't be mine until it is perfect. I will only accept the best.

October 6, Little Miss Busy-Body

Hella fast lightning post! I'm running late for school. I broke yeserday's fast too early, but it's okay. I got the basic idea and it felt good. I'm going to weigh in tomorrow with you, Lola. No worries. You'll be fine. Take a walk today, or something. No pictures this morning, I don't have time. I don't ever have time for anything when I wake up late. I love you all. Every single blog I follow, I read. I promise. And I love every one of you ladies. Have a great day!!! Banana and a smoothie for me today. Yay!

October 5 - Little Miss Busy

I've still got about 30 pages to read. No fun. Why is the world doing this to me? Doesn't it realize I don't care? Doesn't it realize I need to devote all of my time and energy to forgetting my past even happened?

Nothing is understanding, except for the hunger in my stomach and the numbers on that scale. I'm not seeing much progress yet, but maybe you guys are. I dunno. I still think I look bloated and ballooned. Anyway, I've got the reading still to do, and I've still got to get ready for school, and I've got to prepare for the day, since I'm fasting, and it keeps going on and on and on... If I weren't such a good student I'd say, "Fuck you!" and run away to join the circus. I'd be a good circus performer. Because circus performers never have to grow up... It's as if they live in a limbo-type of world, not even a real world. In limbo-world it's as if there's nothing missing, they're still in the circus and they'll still be young, and lithe, and beautiful all the time forever. I need Neverland. It's all I want in life. I don't want a boss job as an international librarian. I don't want to get the Hell out of Grand Junction, I just want to think happy thoughts and never have to come to terms with anything other than pirates and the occasional flirtation with mermen. Gotta think happy thoughts. Gotta get into flying condition. Gotta fly home.