I haven't written in forever, it seems. The last few days have been nothing other than binging and eating foods that warrant guilty feelings. That's all I've felt, guilt. It's been overwhelming and ridiculous, because I know that I'm stronger than that. I know that I'm better than consumption. I know that I'm worthy of being skinny, but only if I spend the time and energy restricting to the extreme. Otherwise, I am worthless. I want to be beautiful.
B - 1/2 bagel
1/2 peanut butter
1 apple
I'm on a plane from Charleston, West Virginia to Washington D.C. From there I'll have a 3-hour layover, during which I will not eat and will instead opt to walk around as much as possible until my flight to New Mexico. I'm heading home. I'm starving and heading home. The things I've done to my body over the past days cannot happen ever again. There will be forgiveness this time and this time only. Next time there will be blood.
It was mostly a nice vacation, minus the binging put of boredom. Had aunt Cindy not been there, and had the jellyfish not washed up on the shores the last two days it could very well have been considered perfect. I have a tan :)
Not being able to post to my blog has been rough... Even worse has been being unable to read everybody else's.
STICK THIN: your blog has to be the best one out in the whole blogger's paradise. I might die if you ever stopped posting. I truly care about your successes and your struggles alike. Major shout-out, sweetie.
PERI: I've done a ton of thinking about you. Currently can't wait to update myself on your life when I get back, as well as you, LIZ.
I love you both very much. My pen's starting to die...
*later*
I have just boarded my flight to New Mexico. What you don't know is that my 3-hour layover in D.C. turned into 15 minutes running with the slim chance that I'd make it to my fate in time to bard the plane. My flight to D.C. was directed to Charlottesville because of weather and we weren't sure if we'd be continuing on to D.C. later. Needless to say, huge drama, because if I didn't make this flight I'd have to stay the night there, alone, with no knowledge of what to do next. We were stranded for what seemed like hours. Eventually we were re boarded and we were on our way to D.C. And not with a minute to spare... I had to get myself from the end of the A section to the front of the D section in 15 minutes. Good for my body! Especially since the only things I've eaten were eaten at breakfast. My favorite thing on Earth is burning calories I don't have, by the way... It just makes me feel so incredible, because it means there's no extra inside of me, and all of my "extra" body is being used up. It's ideal. It's optimal. Ana consumes me, and I consume nothing. That will be my creed. My quote. My everlasting promise to myself and someday-perfect body.
Some of the best thinspiration ever is a living, breathing fat person munching away, especially if they look something like you. It shows you direct cause and effect. It shows you why you starve. It shows you who you will be if you eat that last doughnut. It shows you that your body is wrong to tell you that the pain in your stomach is hunger and needs tending to. It shows you why you're going to suffer tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. It makes you discover the eternal next day.
I'm filling my stomach with hot and cold liquids, ignoring my hungry stomach. It's good this way. It's better this way. I've had water and black coffee. The water is cold and burns calories, and the coffee is hot, calorie-free and warms my stomach to make the pains in my stomach go away. I could do this all through an entire day, if I wanted to, and had the supplies at hand all day. It'd be easy. Although, the difficult part would be staying alone all day, and I'd have to time my activities perfectly around staying away from food. A single cracker and I'd be fucked. A little thing called self-control goes out of the window at times like that. Man... I want some more coffee... or some more water... or even just a diet coke. Something to keep my tummy happy so it doesn't get pissed off and rage and pillage the nearest kitchen. There are so many tasty smells on this airplane. I'm drawing to mind the Internet joke "breathatarianism". It'd be pretty boss... though impossible. As if the word impossible means anything anymore.
*later*
Yay! More water. I hope we land soon. I don't even know what time it is, let alone what time we're supposed to touch ground again. Maybe this water will fill my stomach enough to satisfy until I can get up and walk a little. A destination keeps my mind and my tummy happy at the same time, more often than not. I think I need to start doing more stuff. Then maybe life will take 1st place and food will fall to the farthest back-burner on my proverbial stove. Once school starts, I'll have a shit-ton of homework (that I'm actually going to do this year). My class load is going to be so huge! It probably shouldn't even be legal, the combination of classes I'm taking. It'll be trigonometry (not bad), French 2 (pas mal), AP stats (going to kick my ass), 2-3 choirs (I've never done a choir in my life, and I made both advanced choirs. I'm scared!), Honors Comp Lit 10 (literature class from Hell. If I make it through with a passing grade, I'll fucking shit myself. And literature is the subject I kick ass at!), and whatever government class I end up in. I have no idea what that one will look like, but it's nothing to worry about compared to the others. Honors Comp Lit 10 will take up most of my time, as will the chemistry class I have to take. Math + science together? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Ugh... Luckily this schedule won't allow much time for munchings and crunchings. That extra time will be spent keeping myself clean and pretty. I want to actually be pretty this year... Maybe somebody besides Derric will want to take me to a dance this year. Maybe. I can only hope. I really have to pee.
*soon after*
More coffee, happy stomach, warm Maria. We'll be landing soonish. I suppose? I wonder who'll be picking me up from the airport. Guess I'll find out soon. I totally do not want to be hungry. It's the most idiotic feeling on Earth. Skinny is way more important, anyway. Let me stay strong so I can go to sleep and eat a small breakfast before another day of starvation. Sans travelling. I love coffee and water. All I need. Hot and cold. Black and white. I believe in a wholly black-and-white world. Sans compromise.
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