October

I really, really liked Learning to Breathe's liquid fast idea with the use of the Mr. Men characters, so I'm going to do something similar.

01. Little Miss Birthday (today is my sister's birthday) - NOTHING except for the birthday cake she'll have.

02. Little Miss All-Goes-Well - She's got red hair and glasses, so I'm thinking carrots and oranges.

03. Little Miss Bossy - blueberries and a wild berry smoothie (small).

04. Little Miss Brainy - almonds (brain food!) to snack on and then dinner.

05. Little Miss Busy - FAST (I'll be so busy with schoolwork).

06. Little Miss Busy-Body - bananas and a strawberry-banana smoothie (large if one banana, small if more).

07. Little Miss Calamity - Orange juice and dinner.

08. Little Miss Careful - wild berry smoothie (large)

09. Little Miss Bad - free day (800 limit)

10. Little Miss Brilliant - strawberries!

11. Little Miss Chatterbox - strawberry-like smoothie.

12. Little Miss Christmas - FAST with a present if I am successful.

13. Little Miss Contrary - oranges and other orange fruits

14. Little Miss Curious - free day (800 limit) (I'm curious to see how I'll do)

15. Little Miss Daredevil - try a new food! (600 limit)

16. Little Miss Dotty - kiwis and a green smoothie (small).

17. Little Miss Fickle - go through City Market and make a small meal.

18. Little Miss Fun - Clementines and dinner.

19. Little Miss Giggles - Find a food with a funny name!

20. Little Miss Greedy - FAST (punish greed)

21. Little Miss Helpful - You all decide? (if not, my favorite kind of smoothie)

22. Little Miss Late - Nothing but dinner


23. Little Miss Loud - Cherries! Strawberries! Apples! Red things!

24. Little Miss Lucky - grapes and Rainer cherries

25. Little Miss Magic - Magic Stars soup (1 serve)

26. Little Miss Naughty - big, black grapes and dinner

27. Little Miss Neat - a perfectly portioned meal in my bento box of a salad and green grapes.

28. Little Miss Scary - FAST

29. Little Miss Scatterbrain - C-Boost smoothie

30. Little Miss Shy - blueberries

31. Little Miss Tiny - nothing, because I will be tiny.

There it is... An entire month. And despite my past failures I will make it a reality.

Anyone Who Keeps the Ability to See Beauty Never Grows Old - Franz Kafka

I love that quote. I mean, I know it has a more metaphorical meaning, but I like to look at it like as long as I see somebody beautiful, thin, and childlike in the mirror, I'll never have to come to terms with growing up. As long as I look like Peter Pan I'll never have to become Wendy. Wendy scares me. Wendy becomes a woman.

Last night I decided to drink the last of the laxative tea so I could get an accurate weight this morning, and so far it's done nothing but cramp my stomach this morning. It's kind of ridiculous. It should have worked by now. I need to buy more today... This week is a fruit for breakfast, fruit for lunch, minimal dinner week! I'm excited. I bought some kiwis last night, and we've got apples and bananas. There are these smoothies I will buy and drink throughout the day every day. They're Hella expensive, but hey, they're better than getting fat from PB&J. They've got, like, 8 servings of fruit per bottle, and the bottles are huge, so it'd be like drinking all of my daily calories. I've got no qualms with that (as long as they taste good). For today's lunch I packed the kiwi, 1/2 of a banana, and some corn, but I'm throwing out the corn when I get to school, because I found out that the body doesn't like corn all that much... My mother said it's an allergen. I'll have to do some more research, but it can piss your body off and make you gain weight, I guess.

I hope you all have wonderful days. It looks like all of us are right back on track, and you guys are being such sweethearts. TTFN!

B - 1 cheese pizza slice - 230
- pink bunny (strawberry milk) - 145

Disabling Abilify

Ughhhh... I've never experienced side-effects from medication before, but now I'm having them hardcore. My nose is stuffed and runny (at the same freaking time!), my throat hurts, and no matter how much water I drink I'm achy. These are all side-effects of Abilify. No fun. I don't want to be perpetually sick like this. It's been about a week. Too bad it isn't the stomach flu. I always lose weight when I have the stomach flu. Speaking of weight loss, I have a little "ticker" at the top of my blog now. It's a city, because a city represents my ultimate goal (to get out of the small town), and a rabbit, because the rabbit symbolized me. People call me rabbit sometimes. I've never known why. Kinda cool, rabbits are cute.

The skies are perfect for a walk... Why is it that you want something so much more when you can't have it? I hate not being able to go for 12 mile-long walks anymore. Remember when I used to do them? How happy they made me? How much weight I lost? I need that back... I haven't been keeping up with my journal... It makes me feel bad, but it's okay. I'll get back on track, journal-wise.

New My Chemical Romance album on the 28th!!! It doesn't look too awesome, but I'll buy it, anyway. Ooooh! Actually, I've just decided, right now, that I'm not allowed to buy it until I weigh 119 pounds. That's the plan. No more that that. Less if possible. Less would be preferred, Universe. Also, my 16th birthday is coming up. My mother and I are planning a scavenger hunt downtown, ending with a masquerade ball at my step-father's office. It's in November, but it'll take a lot of planning. A lot. Which is funny, because my mom suggested it, knowing full well that she seldom follows through with the things she says she'll do. Like getting me somebody to talk to. And countless Halloween costumes (I went as the same thing for 5 years, because we didn't get our act together). And diets, and meal-planning, and doctors' appointment... the list goes on. But bottom line, there's a lot of talk and not much action. I'll keep my faith in her, but I'll be prepared to be disappointed.

Amaaaaaaazing!!!

I feel so great today! I cut up 1 apple into 4ths, ate one this morning for breakfast, then ate a rice cake. It feels amazing, but I wish I could just go on a walk. I asked yesterday, but my mother said no, because she's worried about me and my mental state. She has no reason to be anymore, she just needs to let me work out again. I need to work out again!!! I've been doing little things, like 5 minutes on the bike here, jumping jacks there, and today I did one of those Seventeen Magazine workouts. It was fun and easy, though the cardio was a little tough. That's why I need to get to walking and jogging again, so I can do more intense workouts.

B - apple - 16.25
- rice cake - 70

I'm back on track, my lovelies. And feeling ultra-creative. When I get in these creative moods, I often stop eating as much. Oh! And I didn't take my meds last night, so I don't have those insane food cravings. I need more water, though. My lips are parched (tssp, tssp, tssp)!

I read the first book of My Name Is Asher Lev. It's got a lot of Jewish philosophy in it, and I'm really enjoying it. I like how they believe that if you kill one person on Earth, you kill everyone, and conversely if you help one person, you help the whole world. Isn't that beautiful.

I want to be a librarian so freaking bad... Last Thursday when I went to my therapist (I call him Gustav) I started crying, because I was talking about running my hands over books. Running my hands over all of that knowledge. It was just so beautiful to think about all of it. It became overwhelming. Did you know that was my dream? To be a real-life swanky librarian? Bet not... I want to be an international librarian, completely jet-set, fashionable, stick thin. Cardigan sweaters and Gucci pumps. It keeps me alive sometimes, just thinking about the future I want so badly. I'll make it, I swear.

Sadness

Wow. I lost a follower. I'm positive it was after the purgind incident. That's fine... I don't whore for followers. That'd be stupid. She was just such good support. Oh, well... I'll continue to wish her best wishes on her journey.

Messy

Tests, tests, tests. Right out of the hospital I have a ton of tests. And I got sick. They think it might be strep throat, but it also could just be a viral infection, in which case, there's nothing they can give me to make it go away. And I feel like crap, but I have to go to school today. It's not even an option to stay home, because of how much work I have to do. I have a ton of notes to make up in Humanities, and the only person I know in that class (who isn't Joey, because he's an emotional fuckwit) won't give me her notes. So I don't know what I'm going to do! And I've got two tests in that class. Then, in Music Theory I'm so entirely behind it's not even funny. I failed a make-up exam yesterday. I know I did. I didn't answer half the questions. And there's this perfect male specimin in that class who's entirely talented in music, so I really, really want to impress him with being good at music, too, but I'm not as good as he is, and I'm not good in that class. Ugh... Then, in Honor's Comp Lit, I've had to read a third of My Name is Asher Lev (I had to read it instead because Cather in the Rye was too sad) by the end of the week. I told her I was ready for the test today, and I've still got 40 pages to read... Oh, well. I'll get it done. And then, I've got the vocabulary test from Hell that I was supposed to take yesterday, but I went home because of how miserable I was feeling. We have these things called Difinitive Sentences, where we have to write a sentence that defines the vocab word without using the deffinition and no other word can take its place. We have to memorize the deffinitions, and then we have to memorize our sentences. She chooses 3 words at random from the list of 10 and we test over those. I have about, oh, I don't know, 4 SENTENCES DONE!!!! No good. Not good enough.

On a lighter note, I feel like I'm more on track. I'm going to start taking those green tea pills again. My mom threw away the extra omeprazole, so I'll have to buy the generic Prilosec, I guess. that's fine by me. Anything to get skinny. I've been doing my best to squash the appetite increas that the Abilify makes me have, and I'm doing better than I have been. The calories keep dropping, day by day, slowly but surely. Soon I'll be able to fast successfully again. And, last night, I was able to work out for a full 15 minutes, which is more than I've done in a while. I'm going to continue that, and eventually do another 15 minutes in the morning. I wanna be fit! And then some... The thinspo I printed out in in my locker now. It excites me to put away mu lunch, half-eaten, because I see so many girls on the orange metal who do the same thing.

That's all. Things aren't very interesting. I'm just looking forward to October. I want to be Twiggy or Edie Sedgwick for Halloween. You know what, Maria? Both of those require being ultra-skinny. At least a decent size 3. I can do it. I have to do it.

I love these ads. So much. My throats's all swollen, and my tongue is burnt. Just a gentle reminder that eating = bad and starvation = good. I'm happy with that equation now that I know the alternative. I don't want to become a person that purges after everything I eat, or even frequently. I know that it's just a really bad idea. I am well aware. So no worries, lovelies. Nothing to fear. I don't plan on doing it again any time soon.

I printed off a bunch of thinspo yesterday. Some of it's going in my locker, some in my notebook, and some I'll just keep for myself. Too bad my printer's running low on ink, so I've got the gross, ugly lines that go across the pictures. School today. I've got a ton of reading to do!!! Ever read My Name Is Asher Lev? The Jewish philosophy in it is so beautiful. I love the part where it says that the world is in pieces and that's why it's ugly, so it's our job to make it beautiful again. Kind of like our bodies. It's not only our desire, but our JOB, dammit, to beautiful our bodies, because they are broken and incomplete. I'll keep this in mind. Maybe it'll help.

Uhm, Wow.

I just purged for the first time. Just now. A minute ago. I went on a binge. Not sweet things, but normal food. No good. So, I purged. I decided to try it. I liked it. But I won't make it a regular thing. Just when I binge before I'm on track to a better body. Which I'm not yet. It happened so fast! I figured something that might be helpful if anybody purges: vibrating toothbrush. I think it made mine come up faster than normal. It only toon one minute for me to throw up. I wish I didn't have to have purged... I wish I could have been a good girl. I printed out a bunch of thinspo just now. I need to be like them. It's something I have to do. I will never eat before I've exhausted all of my other options. No More Binging. More Exercise. I can do it.

Meh, Not Bad...

I just broke my fast, and it felt amazing. I'm satisfied now, and thank God we're out of milk :) I had an enchillada (200) and some toast (180+25=205). That's all I get for today, though. Tomorrow I can eat. I weigh 122 pounds. My first goal is to maintain 116 for a week. I can do this... I need to exercise.

EEEEPPPPPIIIIIICCCC FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIL

Yesterday was amazing, until after my new tap class. I just munched and munched and munched, and lost all of my daily points, decidedly. I had 7!!! So, today will be a fast day because of all the sins I ate yesterday. A fast. I will say I'm doing homework and "eat" in my room for dinner. That's how it has to be, you fucking fatass.

First Day Back

Today, my friends, I am going back to school. Wish me luck! I'm going to need it. I'm so incredibly nervous... My hair's in place, my skin's moisturized, my tiny (and sufficient) lunch is all packed up in my boxes, and I've got a plan for what I'll tell people. "What happened? Where'd you go? We've missed you!" "Oh, thanks. Heh, I just got Hella sick. That's all!" "Really? I don't believe you." "Bitch, if you went through what I went through, you wouldn't want to explain, either". There's the plan. I've been making a lot of plans lately.

I got a fortune cookie with the most relevant fortune ever. "You nourish your body every day. You must also nourish your mind." Perfect. Let's change it around, now, shall we? "You used to only nourish your body every day. Now, you must only nourish your mind." I like the words "only". It's a happy word. Take care... I hope this day doesn't kill me.

Famous Last Words

Just kidding! Today was a great day. Know why?? I bought a pair of size 3 Levi skinny jeans. And they fit. Yaaaaay! I mean, there still tight and stuff, but they'll fit better as I shrink.

Happiness is...

There are many things that have been keeping me happy since my suicide attempt, but I think the biggest one is visualizing the future and how I'll get there. I want to be an international librarian. I'm learning French, but I plan on learning all sorts of other lanugages (like Russian). I want to end up in the Pacific Northwest (USA) and be a badass, skinny, roller derby-ing, rock concert moshing, baking, aunting for my sister, woman.

Woah... Actually, fuck that woman part. I always want to be a little girl and to have fun. Sometimes I look at my curves when I'm getting dressed, and I think, "Shit, I look so disgustingly fertile!!!" Have I mentioned to you all that I never want kids? Ever? I saw the most beautiful girl last night at the Chinese place. Completely perfect body. Wish I could have descreetle taken a picture to show you guys, but alas, I am not a creeper.

What keeps you guys happy? I'd be very interested to find out. Leave a comment of what it is!

New Pretty Things!!!

Last night I went on a Borders binge. I rebought a copy of Wintergirls (since Jack chewed up my first one. Grrr....), bought a stainless steel water bottle with an adorable motif (which you will see soon), some pseudo-Bento boxes for school, an adorable 6-color pen, and... a journal, with the same motif as the water bottle. All of this is going to help me lose all this weight (again). The water bottle is so adorable that there's no way I won't drink water while I'm at school. The boxes are so I can pack small, cut-up food to eat during the day so I don't binge on unhealthy, fattening stuff when I get home. The pen is so I can color-code my weight-loss journey in my journal, which is obviously a weight-loss journal. I've done a ton of writing and system-making in it already, so I'm set for success. I've made a color system for my overall calories:

0 - 200 = good
200 - 500 = pretty good

500 - 800 = fair/acceptable

800 - 1,500 = bad

1,500 - +-2,000 = catastrophic

I've made a list of Cardinal Sins:

• Ben and Jerry's (any kind)
  
• Onion Rings


• Soda (non-diet)
  
• Sugar I add myself.


• Doughnuts
  
• Starbuck's sugary drinks
  
• Cheeseburgers (fast food)
  
• Fried Chicken
  
• Bacon
  
• Meat Fats (like on steak, chicken, pork, etc.)
  
• Whole or 2% Milk
  
• Potato Chips
  
• Easy Mac
  
• Butter
  
• Cookies (more than one)
  
• Cake and Pie (other than on holidays)
  
• Sugary Juices
  
• Snack Packs of Anything
  
• Over-Portioned Cereal

And calorie charts of my favorite fruits and vegetables, so I can go to the store daily to pick them up to cut up for snack that day:

My Favorite Fruits

Apples - 1 medium - 72 - high in fiber.low in fat.high in sugar.

Bananas - 1 medium - 105 - high in Vitamin C, B6 and potassium.high in calories.high in sugar.

Kiwis - 1 medium - 46 - high in Vitamin C and fiber.high in sugar.

Oranges - 1 large - 62 - high in Vitamin C, thiamin, and fiber.high in sugar.

Peaches - 1 medium - 37 - high in fiber, niacin, potassium, and Vitamin A&C.high in sugar.

Plums - 1 medium - 36.5 - high in fiber and Vitamin A&C.high in sugar.

Pomegranate - 1 medium - 104 - high in potassium and Vitamin C.high in sugar.

My Favorite Vegetables

Broccoli - 20 - high in calcium, fiber, iron, manganese, magnesium, phosphorum, potassium, riboflavin, thiamin, and Vitamin A, B, and C.

Carrots - 35 - high in fiber, manganese, niacin, potassium, thiamin, and Vitamin A, B6, and C.high in sugar.

Celery - 5/stick - high in calcium, fiber, manganese, phosphorun, potassium, riboflavin, and Vitamin A, B6, and C.high in sugar and sodium.

Cucumber - 45 - high in calcium, fiber, iron, manganese, magnesium, phosphorous, potassium, riboflavin, and Vitamin A, B6 and C.high in sugar.

Lettuce - 5 - high in calcium, fiber, manganese, magnesium, phosophorous, potassium, thiamin, and Vitamin A, B6 and C.high in sugar.

Corn - 60/cob - high in fiber, magnesium, phosphorous, thiamin, and Vitamin C.

Peas - 60 - high in fiber, iron, manganese, thiamin, and Vitamin A and C.high in sugar.

Aaaaaaaand... I'm in the process of making a point system based on the abstaintion from the Forbidden Foods. Phew. I'm drained. Time for some pictures (which are a total bitch to add).

Okay, that took entirely too long to do. Fucking formatting issues. Ah, well. Love you guys.

Forgiveness

Forgive me Ana for I have sinned in the form of Ben and Jerry and Sugar Smacks.

Honorable Discharge

I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt on the 2nd of September. The hospital was amazing, though. Minus the food. Which tasted amazing. I've gained 6 fucking pounds. I started the process at 116.6, ended at 122.5. I hate my body right now. C'est grotesque. Oh, well. I'm back on the wagon now. 1 rice cake = 70 calories. Peanut butter = 125 calories. Jam = 25. I was in the hospital for 3 days. Breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, occasional snack. Too much good food. Not fair for little Maria. I was there on an M-1, which means a mandatory 72-hour hold. I didn't get to wear my own clothes after the first 24 hours like they said. The scrubs were like pajamas and made me feel incredibly lazy and fat. But guess what? They had to give me youth large pants and an adult small top. I can't say I wasn't disappointed that they weren't youth medium pants, though... After the three days, I was transferred to a different facility. It's called an Alternative Treatment Unit. I hated it there. After three days of eating, being called manipulative because I'm smart, and having to listen to a girl lie about having schizophrenia, I wanted the Hell out of there.During my family meeting, I yelled screamed, kicked, and scratched. My face was all scratched up and bleeding. Nobody did anything, and I had to stay there, no matter how much I hated it. So, I succumbed and did the work. I got out. There was this amazing woman named Chanelle, and she's probably my role model right now. We have the same quirky tastes in music, movies,the whole nine yards.I want to get my hair cut like her... And yeah, she's a little chubby at 136 pounds (we played Wii Fit), but that's okay. For her. I want to one-up her and be amazing AND stick thin. I will have success.. I was discharged yesterday afternoon. I'm going to skirt around my parents as much as possible, since they're watching me like a hawk. I was lucky that they let me sleep in my own bed, alone, last night.

I haven't had time to read all of your blogs, but I am so incredibly sorry for disappearing like that! I won't. Ever again. I will remain there for support if you all do the same for me. I love you all. Thank you so much for your kind comments. Huggles and kissies.

First Sunshine

Today is the first day of September, and I'm so excited. Know why? Because at the end of September I will be 110 pounds. No "or less" at this point. I can't focus on that right now. Right now what I need to focus on is counting every single morsel that enters my mouth right after it enters, and read away the hunger pangs. You ladies are excellent for that due to your blogging prowess. Prowess = 10 cent word.

My vocabulary really is better that what you guys know it to be. I am cognisant of many words. Unfortunately, the internet has never been a forum for me to speak as I normally do. Merely it stands for my real thoughts. Things that I can't express elsewhere. I can speak eloquently, but never about things that matter. I can write 100 words per minute without thinking about how it sounds, but always about things that I really feel deeply for. It makes me sad to think of that, but this month is not a sad month. It's an amazing month. My eating will be limited. My drinking will be excessive. My smoking will happen once and it's already been planned. I will be beautiful. I will fill my mouth with metaphorical cinnamon and let it sprinkle down on all that I do and make it turn to gold.

Yesterday we had auditions for our fall play, Enter Laughing. My audition wasn't horrible! I'm happy to say that I didn't do quite as poorly as others. But... pickings are slim. There are only about 4 female roles, and I'm fairly certain our director doesn't plan on casting girls as men. Which would be fine with me. I'm our school's resident cross-dresser when it comes to the theater... I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually gotten to be a girl on stage. Ahh, well. Peter Pan's our musical. Maybe I'm up for Peter ;)

My period started yesterday. I've never had worse cramps in my entire life. I want to scream half the time, and they just make the hunger pangs worse. No fun. And I'm bloated. I've got a psych appointment tomorrow to get my medication sorted out. I want to get off this stuff and on something else. This stuff makes you gain weight and heightens your appetite. Sometimes I don't take it because of how much that scares me. But anyway, I've got that appointment, and they weigh me. I'm going to eat breakfast and drink as much water as I possibly can so I'll weigh in at over 120 pounds. Good thing they don't make you look at the number. Then we'd have a separate mental issue on our hands.