Every new adventure starts with a beginning. I've been down this road a few times before, but this time I'm going to do it. I'm not going to be upset with myself when I stumble (and oh, yes, will I stumble). I'm just going to pick myself back up and keep going. Take things one day at a time. When I was at my smallest, I was the happiest I'd ever been. I liked when people would say, "You need to eat more," or when I'd visit my relatives, "Maria, last time I saw you you were at least a size bigger. You need a belt, my dear!" It was the best feeling in the world to be noticed for being thin. I want to feel that again. I'm not sure what happened, but I gained quite a bit of weight over the last two years or so. This adventure is going to be one of self-evaluation and self-healing. I will lose this weight, and when I do, I'll be as happy with myself as I've ever been.
arms - flabby towards the top and middle. I've already got the old lady chicken-wing thing going on, and it has to go away. I'll feel so much better about myself when it does.
collar-bone - I used to have the most lovely shape with my collar bone. It would stick out just perfectly, and curve in all the right places. I can still kinda see it, but it's nothing like it used to be. I loved the way it curved down into my shoulder blades and made that little hollow pocket between the two bones. The shadow it cast was to die for. I'll have it back.
waist - I don't so much care about having a "girly" figure. If my waist is thin, but I don't have any curves, I'll be happier than if I was way curvy and a fatty. As long as I'm thin, and can't pinch an entire inch of fat off of my middle, I'm A O.K. As of right now, my waist is bigger than it really needs to be. I can still kind of see my ribs, but I can also pinch a bunch of fat from them. That needs to be dealt with.
stomach - not concave, nor convex, just right. Nice and flat, no pudgy like I've got right now. By the way, just a day or so ago, my mother grabbed my stomach and, trying to be cute, said, "Chubby belly!" as if I was still a baby and that didn't bother me. I wanted to cry. I haven't got a huge stomach by any stretch of the imagination, but the chub has got to go.
butt - not big, but waaay flabby. I've got a ton of cellulite back there. It's not big, round, or voluptuous thank God, but it needs quite a bit of toning. That's where the exercise comes in. If anybody reads this and has a fool-proof suggestion, hit me up!
thighs - they're big, and they do this ugly thing that right below my hips they curve straight out. My legs look like two letter S's where the top parts huge and the bottom part not so much. It's so ugly. If nothing else changes about my body, this must go away. I'd like to get to a point where they don't touch unless I make them. Like, when I'm just standing there, I want them to stand by themselves and not lean on each other for support.
calves - over the course of this process, I want them to lose some of their extra muscle. I used to be a basketball player and march on the drumline in marching band, so my calves are very muscular. It doesn't fit my ideal. I want them to be cute, and girly, and super thin like the rest of my future self. I want to love my calves, since I never have before. They've never been small enough.
This isn't going to be a negative thing. I'm not going to come up on here and blog about how ugly I am every day. That isn't productive. I'm going to be strong and progress in this adventure. I. Will. Be. Skinny. Period. It starts tonight. I'm going to go work out by riding our family stationary bike while I watch Robin Hood: Men In Tights with my family. I hope they don't think something's going on, and I also hope they don't unintentionally stifle my progress. I will have control over myself and my body. I will have control. I will have control. I will have control.
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