Back up... 118... I've been embarrassed to post, because I've obviously gained weight. Not only the scale says so, but I can tell by looking in the mirror. Every fucking ounce. And today I promised myself would be the day that I stop eating. I kept screaming at myself, "STOP STOP STOP!!!" and I just wouldn't listen! I didn't binge, and the only "real" meal I ate was a bowl of cereal with no fat milk, but that's an excuse. It's an excuse from the enemy! I feel like a failure, so tomorrow's going to be the beginning of my acai berry flush. Water, laxie tea, and these pills. Danger? I don't fucking care... I made a serious promise to Derric that I wouldn't purge. Ever. By his deffinition, though, purge means throwing up. There are other sorts of purging, though... I need to start doing them religiously after I've had a bad day. Swimsuit-time is soon. Not like, I've got time to do things properly. No. It needs to happen today and now. It'll happen, because it has before. I'll drop the weight gained, and everything will be okay. Total flush, no more hunger. No more hunger. I need some support, girls... I'm not one to beg for attention, or anything like that, but I need help. I'm a helpless victim of my body's "needs", and seem to no longer be able to fuck them into submission. I need this. I can't be helpless anymore. Actually, I won't be helpless anymore!
I found out that Frosted Mini-Wheats have 8 1/3 calories per little biscuit.
b - nothing (asleep)
l - milk - 30
- cookie - 100
- mini-wheats - 166
- milk - 45
- rice cake - 70
- peanut butter - 55
- jam - 17
d - nothing. Nothing nothing nothing but my tea and a pill or two. I'm done eating. This is such bullshit...
My chest is breaking out in red bumbs, like, hardcore. I don't think it's an allergy, because I'm prone to acne. It's just strange that it's happening right now since I haven't had a single zit on my chest or back for months. Is it related to my habits (or lackthereof, perhaps?) If anybody's got information on it, please tell me. Please?
I'm going to Santa Fe for the opera on the 16th, leaving Santa Fe for North Carolina on the 18th, and getting back to Colorado on the 25th. I won't have computer access, but I will keep a journal with my intake and my thoughts. I'll post all of it when I get back. I hope these little bumps go away, because I've got such a beautiful strapless opera dress, and it'd be a shame to seem ugly that night... I hate feeling so ugly.
Aww, it's ok, it happens to all of us. If you need anything, feel free to email me (thinneristhewinner1@gmail.com) with your cell # and we can text when you feel like you need help. Stay strong!
ReplyDeletethe weight will drop back down. don't be too hard on yourself, and try and stay positive!
ReplyDeleteI know its not always easy
I have no idea what the bumps could be. I hope they go away though, because i wouldn't want you to feel ugly