I'm Back

I've decided to start blogging again, because I'm not losing any weight. I lose weight when I blog. I need to blog, because I need to lose weight. I need to be perfect.

Things haven't been great. I've been eating normally (accompanied by mass amounts of guilt. but I can't help myself). I'm always feeling guilty, because I'm always eating meals. I'm sick of feeling this guilt. I need to fly! I need to feel beautiful! I need to be beautiful. I just cut off all of my hair yesterday. I look like Carrie Mulligan. Except for the acne. And the fat. I cut my hair as encouragement. I don't fit my haircut yet, and I will once I clear up my face and lose some weight. However much it takes, I'll lose it. It's working so far. I've washed my face morning, noon and night and have had little to eat today. No more than 900 calories today, mkaaaaay missy? 900 calories... I know that's below starvation level, but it seems like so freaking much! I've lost all of my restricting power and I desperately need it back. I'll start at fat-person level (900) and slowly get myself back down to where I was when I weighed 113 pounds (300).

Auditions for Peter Pan are on December 6th. I have theater-lust for the opportunity to play Peter. How do I get there?

1. cut my hair (done)
2. weigh 110 pounds (or less)
3. find an audition monologue (hard)
4. find an audition song (harder)

Losing weight isn't hard. All it takes is a little chutzpa and will-power, because as I've discovered, the easiest way to lose weight is to stop eating. I need to be beautiful again... I want to be a lovely 113. So close to 110. So close to 100... It's time to start over.

B - special k - 110

- milk - 85

- yogurt - 180

L - bread - 180

- cheese - 70

I also need to start writing in that journal again, because it helped me when I was at school to focus on why I can't binge. I binged a lot less when I journaled. And I ate a lot less when I blogged... I'm sorry for leaving you girls for so long. I thought I could focus if I were on my own. But, I was wrong. And I'm sorry. I don't want to fail you girls. You all mean so much to me, okay? I've caught up on your blogs, and you're such inspirations to me. I can completely relate. Take care. I'll write again later tonight.