Spacecadet's Space

B - 0

L - Chipotle whatsit - 290
Apple Juice - 120

I'm under 500, but I don't know how accurate my numbers are. So I'm done eating for the day, if I can avoid it... I hope I can. Maybe I can get away with saying that I ate Ramen, since I'm not in the spotlight currently. I think that's what I'm going to do. My stomach's been relatively submissive today, which is excellent because of last night. It really set me behind where I'd like to be... Hopefully it doesn't make the difference between success and failure this August. I can't give up. I REFUSE to give up. I'm way stronger than that. It's not grumbling as much as it usually does this time of the day, which is AWESOME! I'm just afraid it'll start getting angry. What if it does and I finish off some more of that chocolate? I don't think I'd stop. Not to mention I'd be over 500 in an instant.

I got my retainer changed out today. It hurts like a bitch (and bitches hurt a lot), but that means I have an excuse to not eat. If I don't take my retainer out, I can't eat, and if
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I wrote that three hours ago. Since then I've eaten about two chocolate bars. And had a juice box. And been a fatass. I hate myself. I hate how horribly my family makes me feel. We got into another intense discussion tonight. It was different than last night, but still made me depressed. Depressed enough to break what I've been working towards. Even after a 115.5 sorta-weight that the scale read this morning. I hate my life... I wish I were dead. I've tried to kill myself enough times that most of my options are exhausted. I won't try them again. I already know that they won't work for me. Why can't I be skinny? This isn't fair. I'm a good person, aren't I? I do good things for the world and the people on it. Why can't I be beautiful? I'll always be ugly.