So I Have Wished It, and So It Is!

Yesterday when I said I'd see a 7 on the scale, I was slightly doubtful. Then, this morning when I took my weight I saw the magic number! 117.5. That'd be really cool, since I've lost 11 and 1/2 pounds, but I still look like the same ugly fatass I started out as! Oh, well. I think I have enough money for a gym membership. I'll start using their machines and crap, and eventually the shrinking process will begin. But yay! I'm so happy!

Checklist #1

[x] Under 800 calories
[x] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[x] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[x] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[x] Dogs over at the park morning and night

b - Rainier cherry - 4
l - 1 rice cake - 70
peanut butter - 20
raspberry jam - 12.5
d - 2 rolls - 140
oven roasted chicken - 500
Total: 746.5

Not a bad day, all things considered. I found myself reaching for a bowl of cereal around 4 this afternoon, and fought it off by starting in on a book instead. I can totally do this. I picture myself seeing the number 7 on the scale by the end of this next week. It's going to happen. I know it will.

Back Down

Just weighed myself this morning. I'm back down to an even 118. I ran the dog this morning, so I can almost check off that part of the daily checklist. And I filled up the pitcher, so I'm working on my first glass of water. I found out that Rainier cherries are only 4 calories a pop, and they're negative calories as they digest, so it'll be like eating an M&M (which also has 4 calories a pop) except more filling and guilt-free.

I added a bunch of thinspo to my notebook last night. Click on the picture to the right and on the top and it'll take you to her DeviantArt page. I think she's so beautiful... You may not agree, but she's got that fragile look that I crave ever so much. She looks so lovely, and she's a real person who doesn't even own Photoshop. I hope today goes well. My family is driving me crazy, and the whole thing with Joey is sending me even more into Bad-Orbit. Ugh... Oh, well. I can only hope that both situations are capable of getting better.

Parties are the Work of The Enemy

Okay, so I got done with baking the scones and had only eaten a couple dark chocolate chips. Earlier in the day I had had a small bowl of cereal... So, I had been relatively good all day. Then it came to dinner time at the murder mystery party. I ate half the strawberries off of my Greek salad and a couple almond slivers, I had a spoonful of the coconut soup served to me, and then came the main course... Lasagna and garlic bread. I couldn't control myself. I ate everything on the stupid plate. It was awful! I was awful! It was like Satan himself had prepared dinner for me, tempting me and enticing me. I was mortified and felt the intense urge to purge, but someone surely would have heard me. I ate vanilla ice cream at dessert (since it was a birthday party) so as not to seem strange, and then in about two more hours I had a freaking sliver of German chocolate cake. It was the most horrific thing I could have possibly done to myself. All control exited my body and my brain was unable to stay stable against the current of my fatass actions.

I just got done with 36 minutes on the stationary bike. I'm going to go for another 24 to complete the full hour and then do some more if I can stand it. I have to stand it. I'm slowly creeping up to a regular weight of over 120 pounds. Plainly and simply, that will not fucking fly. I WILL be below 119 and I WILL do everything it takes to get there. There WILL be a daily checklist. It will be as follows below:

[ ] Under 800 calories
[ ] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[ ] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[ ] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[ ] Dogs over at the park morning and night

If I obey and am able to check everything on this list off, at the end of the week I will walk down to the drugstore and buy myself a small, cheap cosmetic of some sort. AND, all the money that I would spend on food while I'm out of the house will be placed into a jar and spent on these small cosmetics. Meaning that tomorrow while I go to the movies with one of my friends I will put the money I would be spending on popcorn and soda into this jar so I can't spend it. It'll be like Hella motivation. I will be skinny. I will be lovely. I will be strong and in control.

Out of whaaaaaaack!

My scale is so out of whack it's become unreliable. I stepped on this morning, and it read 119, which is believable. But when I stepped on just now it read something completely rediculous and impossible! There's no freaking way that I'm 113.5 at this very moment in time. Not even with as much restricting as I've been doing, that just isn't possible. So, I verified it with my grandmother's analogue scale. Although it isn't readable between the 0 and 5 pound marks, it said that I was around 119, and that put my heart at peace knowing what my weight was.
I'm not hungry yet. I haven't eaten all day. I feel completely fine, which is good because one of my best friends is having her annual murder mystery birthday party tonight. I get to dress up as a Hollywood starlet, and planned on wearing the long, red dress I wore to last year's homecoming, but when I tried it on it nearly fell off. That's positively awesome. It was a 6 when I bought it, a 4 when my grandmother altered it so I could wear it to homecoming, and it doesn't fit meaning I'm probably a 2! Yay! Now if my pant size would zero-out I'd be closer to happiness. I'm positive I'm still a 7 in pants, if not a 5. My boobs are getting smaller... but totally not doing that shriveled-up prune thing that I've read about. Take care! I'm off to bake some scones and finish curling my hair. It's a little Gaga-esque, but it'll work ;)

Le Tigre and The Aerobicon

Hey all! I found a great anti-fatty workout dance in a video from one of my very favorite feminist rock groups. The song's called Deceptacon and it features a dance referred to as The Aerobicon. I just got done doing it, and it got my heart rate up for a good 3 minutes and 10 seconds. I suppose if I did it over and over again I could get my aerobic workout for the day out of it, but the main point is that the music and the dance are upbeat, encouraging, and simply a BLAST! I'll post a YouTube link. It's really fun. Lots of jumping around. Ehem, LOTS of jumping around.

It isn't spilling out of my pores anymore... *pout*

I'm so upset right now... I've gained 2 1/2 REAL pounds. No, it isn't just water weight, it's REAL weight. It's making me super depressed. And last night I actually ate and enjoyed dinner, making my situation even worse. This is misery. I can't believe I let myself lose this much control. Yesterday I tried getting back on track from my vacationing disaster, and what did I do? I ate half an apple, 6 Animal Crackers, and two entire slices of cheese pizza! That's fucking disgusting... Today's breakfast will consist of 1/4 of an apple, 3 Animal Crackers, and a huge cup of plain, black coffee. No sugar or cream added. Strict is my diet. I must not want.

I've been listening to a lot of Jawbreaker recently. They very well might be my favorite band on the planet. "I don't scratch so I won't itch/I don't reach so I won't miss." Probably the words that describe why I lost control of myself all those years ago. I stopped caring about myself, and what people thought of me. And then, something funny happened: people stopped thinking about me entirely. I couldn't stand it. It made me an attention whore. Now, I'm not an attention whore, just terrified of being forgotten. Does anybody else feel this? It's my greatest fear in life. My second greatest fear in life is getting old, and wrinkly, and unable to wear skinny jeans. That terrifies me as well.