This is me. Oh, this is also me with short hair. I was a zombie librarian. A damn hot zombie librarian. Oh! And I've also discovered that the family computer has a card-reader in it, so when I'm alone I can keep uploading pictures of me and my progress. Yay!

Am I a bad blogger? Please, be harsh and honest. Am I not as supportive as I need to be? Because trust me, I can be more supportive. I can be as supportive as 4 table legs, if need be. I just wanted to know. I love you all very, very, very much. Even those of you I just started to follow and comment on. All of this community as a whole means the world to me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. So, dig or diss the short hair?

The Scale

The scale read 125.5 pounds this morning. That's bullshit! I'm working my ass off and it's still not enough! I didn't even hardly eat yesterday. This isn't fair. This isn't right! I need to work harder. Much harder. November will be my chance. It's my birthday month. It's a new start. I will get to wear pretty clothes this month. I will finally be one of those pretty girls. I will wash my face all the time. I will SHOWER, damnit! I will grow out my hair again, because I feel like a boy and I love the scraggly model-hair look. Three years, it'll take to get it there, but I'm willing.

I feel like a big fat failure, but that's okay, because I'll be fine this next month. I'll have one of those glorious before-after stories. So will all of us. I have faith in all of us. Love always, Maria.

Watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Never seen it before all the way through. Jealous of skinny people... Love ya!

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow's Halloween! Know what that means? It means fasting today. I'm going to fast today and all day tomorrow until dinnertime. So I can have a treat. I've gained weight. This is not okay. So, what I need to do is work out more. Merely not eating enough will not cut it for me, aparently. I hopped on the bike for MORE than 10 minutes, which was impressive to me, but 10 minutes will not be enough. I need to walk every single day. I need to ride the bike 5 more minutes than I did yesterday. We'll count today as 10. Tomorrow's 15. Got it, Maria? yes. i've got it. I'm starting to become less and less normal, I'm realizing. It's like whether or not I'm eating is the only thing I think about these days. Is that normal? Is that okay? I don't mind, it just scares me. Do I have a problem? I don't want it to be a problem, I want it to be beauty. I've decided that it is beauty. I don't have a problem, I have beauty. I have beauty looking towards the future. I can do it. I can do it! I'll lose a pound today!

At rehearsla for Annie. I feel like such a fatty! It's rediculous! I can't go on this way. No way, no how. My body is all I can think about. It's scary...

Helloooo, hipbones!

I woke up this morning, greeted by an old friend. Her name is hipbones. She can be a real bitch at times, but today she was kind, and decided to come 'round again. It feels like forever ago that I've seen them like this. I wish I could show you guys. I also wish I could weigh myself, so I know where I'm at currently. But, alas, I can do neither. I will later, though, meaning I can have nothing to eat or drink until then. Maybe I'll just hop up on my grandmother's old school scale and take a peek. It's not entirely inaccurate...

School. Fuck. School in an hour. No bueno.

Aaaaand Halloween coming up this weekend. I still don't have a costume figured out. I went out to Goodwill last night and bought a cheap knee-length plaid skirt and dress shirt, for an undead school marm, but I don't know how well that'll go over with the parents. Mainly just my mother. She's really weird about Halloween. I either have to be something cute, or sweet, or way, way tame. Never anything scary. But she knows how much I adore zombies... Maybe she'll allow it? In any case, I'm goint to buy the fake blood anyway, because I probably need some just lying around. J'adore les zombies.

Models

FTV. Also known as Fashion Television. I miss working out while watching it. I can't work out anymore, and I don't know why. I used to always be able to do hours on the bike, and now I can barely do 15 minutes. It's no bueno! As in, very no good! Unacceptable. No more food, mkaaaay missy? You're doing well, now all you need to do is do better. Lose more weight. As soon as I hit 117 again, I get a big prize for myself. It'll mean that I'm back on track. I'm close. Although, I'm a little scared to fast for another day. Last time I got way, way sick. Help? Does that happen to you guys? I felt the fasting high, but the sickness felt so much different from the high. Goodnight, ladies. Let's be less fat than today, tomorrow!