Denver

I got back last night from an overnight trip to Denver. I went with my mother and my little sister, and since I recenly got my permit I drove our Volvo over there. We had to take it over there for its routine service, and used that as an excuse to do some serious shopping. The downside of this trip? Being around my mother and sister the whole time meant that I had to eat every meal. The day was a total food binge. For dinner, we went to my mother's favorite place. It's called Rodney's and it's in an underground space downtown. I had a bacon cheeseburger and a slice of chocolate cake... No regard for intake and the only exercise I was going to get was shopping the next day. For breakfast, we went to the cutest crepes cafe and I had strawberry and chocolate crepes. And it kept snowballing from there. It was a fat weekend. This week, no food unless I can't avoid it. None. None at all. I'm terrified to weigh myself. I left town a pretty good 118, and I bet I'm over 120 right now. This is horrible. I can't believe I let myself go like that. And I was just starting to notice that my thighs were getting smaller! Fuck my life.

Eyesore

118. I'm on my way. That last 1/2 pound was a totaly eyesore. Each day when I look in the mirror, I look so much more lithe, and spritely. It's what I want so desparately. I had the worst nightmare about weighing myself. I stepped on the scale in just my underwear, and it read 124.5. I stripped down completely, and it read the same. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. And what's worse is I thought it was real. I thought I was really there, stepping on that scale and reading that weight. I was about to kill myself when I woke up. I never want to gain another pound.
This new retainer has been awesome about keeping me from food. It really hurts to take it out, and since I'm not allowed (and physically am unable) to eat with it in, I'm discouraged to take it out and eat something. Yay. I might eat a little something this morning, then walk down to Starbucks to get something super low in fat and calories. Yum!

Excitement much?

When I stepped on the scale this morning after I'd dried off from my shower, it read a magic number. I've lost 10 whole pounds of FAT FAT FAT since I've started this journey. 118.5 is such a beautiful number. I love the way the numbers curve around each other. Tomorrow will be even better. I'm on my way.
The first thing I ate today was a Fruit n' Yogurt Parfait from McDonalds. My sister and grandmother really wanted to go there, and I figured I'd better eat something. At 160 calories, it wasn't bad. There's entirely too much sugar in it, but that's okay. I got these plastic braces-type deals. Ugh... If the issue with my teeth wasn't purely structural, I'd refuse to have this done. I liked my teeth to have a little bit of character like they do, and now that'll be gone. Fuck.
I've got an appointment to get my acne scars burned off (otherwise known as a chemical peel). I'm prepared to be shedding and flaking for the next week. Not okay.

My body feels great, but my energy levels are sooo loooow. I kind of feel awful, actually. I have to resist these cravings... They're the words of the enemy. If I start eating, I know I won't stop. I can't have that. I need to dominate my body. I've done so well thus far. I can't let myself down now.

A little frightened

The weight is literally falling out of me through my pores... This morning I was 120. After my bath? 119.5
I've never lost this much weight before, and so I don't know what's normal. It scares me. It scares me very, very much. But for some reason, I don't want it to stop. I never want it to stop until I am lovely. I will finish this ride, even without the support I so desparately desire.

New Goal Posting Time

I just weighed myself this morning. 120 pounds even. But I spent the majority of the time after I woke up curled up on the bathroom floor, waiting either for my body to move the pent up bowels (ew), or for me to throw up. The pain's still sort of there, but I'll see if I can 1) forget about it or 2) make it go away.
But regardless of the pain, I need and want to keep going. The poundage lost since I started makes me feel amazing. I've lost 8 1/2 pounds! To me, that's amazing, because I've always been aware of my weight and since I come from a notoriously fat family I need to stay thin. I'll NEVER be over 130 pounds. Ever. I was in middle school, and it went away. I couldn't have been happier, except that 128.5 is pretty damn close to 130. But now I don't have to even think about that, because I've lost all of those worrisome pounds. From here, I just need to tone and lose some more. 10 pounds. I can do it. I can do it...

You want Chinese food???

No, I do not want Chinese food. Today was... not quite as great as it could have been. I took Jack (my dog) for a mile-long walk, and that totally took care of breakfast-related calories. Around 1 this afternoon I was so dizzy and about to collapse. So, I gave into temptation, trying not to ingest anything that I'd seriously regret in an hour when I had to go out and work it off. I fixed myself some chicken broth (20 calories) and some noodles (270 FUCKING calories), and ate that with a piece of toast (80 calories). I was just so hungry. It was no bueno. I totally would have had more though, if I couldn't see each and every ounce of fat materializing on my body with each bite I took. I finished and then went on a 4-mile walk. I totally should have done more. The blisters on my feet were making me writhe with every step.
AND THEN (!!!), I had to take my grandmother and super-duper childish, 40-year-old uncle to dinner at their favorite Chinese place. I was in no shape to drive since I was still really dizzy, but I did it anyway. I had brought along a plastic ware container so I could spit stuff out of my mouth and still appear to be eating, but my uncle sat on the same side as me... I ordered some chicken and snow peas with the icky brown sauce on the side, ate all the snow peas and the carrots that came with it along with a little bit of white rice, and put the chicken in the container as left-overs. I ended up getting a text from that ex-boyfriend of mine, saying that he was starving (which he probably was, because the people he's staying with are stoners, and also very, very irresponsible with little regard for the safety and well-being of not only my ex, but also of their own children), so I drove my left-overs to him. He appreciated them a lot.
I'm drinking some of that tea of mine, hoping that it'll flush out all those vegetables and whatever's left in my body from my lunchtime binge. I feel awful... But now it's time for a calorie-count! (yay!) Under 500??? We shall see...

B - cantaloupe - 23
coffee - 2
sugar - 16
L - chicken broth - 20
toast - 60
noodles - 270
D - snow peas - 40
carrots - 27
rice - 25
GRAND TOTAL - 483!

Good day... Lots of exercise. I'm off to do some more. Much love!

Upon My Awakening...

...my stomach hurt so bad. I resisted making myself a huge breakfast spread like I normally would. Good thing, too, because yesterday was probably my only successful day, like, EVER. I'm in such a good place right now. I'm eating a slice of cantaloupe and drinking a rather large cup of black coffee (okay... so not entirely black. I caved and put two little spoons of refined sugar in it. Ew.) to keep the pangs away so I don't eat anything dangerous. I plan on taking my dog for a mile-long walk to keep him from tearing me up. Or my shoes... He's a menace. But I love my snuggly puppy. He's huuuuuge! We think he's part Newfoundland, because he's only a year old and bigger than our last Border Collie got fully grown. I'll wait for the coffee to settle, then I'll take him out. I don't want to puke. I almost did on my walk yesterday. It was disgusting. Wish me luck today! I think I can do it. I'm shooting for... under 500 calories. I think I can do it.
calories from breakfast:
cantaloupe wedge: 23 :)
coffee: 2 :)
sugar inside that coffee: 16 :(

EDIT: Whoops! News flash! Just weighed myself and... I'm back to 121 even! Those two pounds yesterday really bent me out of shape, because that just meant it was 2 more pounds that I had already gotten rid of that I had to vanquish again. Buuut, they're gone now. Probably hiding in shame (as they should be). I'll be to my next goal in no time at all.

Banana!

Distraction from hunger pangs, anybody? Heh, I feel fine. No dinner for me!! Time to go to bed so that I don't eat some cereal, which I totaly want to do. By the way, my friend who was supposed to pick me up and take me on an adventure bailed on me. Again. But that's okay... We probably would have gotten coffee at some point, anyway.

Today I...

... started the day off with taking my weight again. I've gained too much to be happy, and it motivated me all day to work, work, work!

... ate 1/2 a banana, because I've been drinking a laxative tea and was worried that I was losing too much potassium.

... took some pictures while eating the banana to kill some time so I wouldn't feel hungry.

... rode the stationary bike for a half hour, resulting in 200 calories gone (id est, a whole banana)

... got bored. Should have gone for a walk, or something, but instead I ate an ENTIRE chicken enchilada. That's, like, 400 calories I totally didn't need!

... felt guilty about the enchiladas and rode the bike some more, but not enough to count. I then proceeded to drink a ton of my tea, which has helped marginally. Ugh.

... calculated how long of a walk (since I'm way too out of shape to run) I would need to take in order to get rid of those enchiladas. As it turns out, 90 minutes would do the trick.

... went on a four-mile walk lasting just over 90 minutes.

... weighed myself after the walk. No. Fucking. Change.

Oh, well! I'm done with the whole "eating" nonsense for the remainder of the day, and that'll make today a negative-calorie day! On towards the magic number! 3,500! Woot! Let's dooooo iiiiiit!

New Information

I'm probably a little slow on picking up this piece of information, but I've just learned that in order to lose 1 U.S. pound, you have to burn 3,500 more calories than you take in. So, since I just finished a 200-calorie workout, I've decided that today will be an all-liquid day with a ton of cardio and weights. I've gained back 2 1/2 pounds... Felt like a failure, but then I realized that I probably wasn't exercising and restricting enough. The depression makes it nearly impossible to restrict at times (last night I had waaaay too much cereal, which is my comfort food), but in the morning I feel better, because I stuck to my guns and didn't give in to temptation. Sometimes I feel as if my body's against me. Actually, I know my body's against me. It doesn't want me to have control over it. It wants to control me... The reason I'm straight edge is I can't stand for my body to be in control of me over my mind. I've discovered that it's not only controlled substances that take me out of control of my life, but also food and my eating habits. My body tells my brain what to do. I don't like that... It can't be like that anymore. It's got to be the other way around. I am going to tell my BODY what it needs and what it doesn't. Mama knows best... Best of luck, those of you who stumble accross this... Which would be a miracle.

My Inability to Stick to Any Plan That I Make

Okay... SO what did I do directly after I hit "Publish Post" after that last entry? Went and weighed myself. Clothed, I was 122.5. Naked? ... 121 pounds even! I was so happy, I had to do another post.

Iffy.

Yesterday was a little off. I had my ex boyfriend over. We watched zombie movies, snuggling on the couch together. He's kind of like my best friend right now... but we pushed a lot of previously-set boundaries during our time together. The hickey on the front of my neck (yeah. the front. good luck hiding this one...) is kind of shaped like a fish, oddly enough. Maybe he has fish lips? Perhaps.
I'm going out to lunch with my grandmother in an hour. I'm trying to decide what I want to get ahead of time before I'm tempted by things I know I shouldn't eat. I don't need that overwhelming guilt, because I've got two plays today. And because I cut last night over a broken friendship... She's my best friend on the planet, and she's been treating me very poorly lately. It hasn't been fair at all... I give her everything she wants, and I don't get anything from her in return. I laugh, cry, play, run, skip, everything with her, and the only thing she can do for me is take, take, take and expect to not have to give anything back. We got into a huge fight, because I finally asserted myself. i don't assert myself. ever. i'm too shy. It's been frustrating, because this is the time that I really need her. I had a miscarriage two nights ago... It seriously freaked me out, because I had a feeling that I was pregnant, but all 7 tests I took told me that I was just convincing myself that I was pregnant. Because of that, I reclaimed my virginity. Sex is too big of a responsibility for me. I think it'll be like that for a while.
I've not weighed myself. I think that if I did, I wouldn't be able to take the dissappointment. It'd be too overwhelming if I had gained weight at this point. Today is a day to drink that tea of mine. Apparently it is a laxative tea... Hence the slimming effects it supposedly has. Maybe that'll give me some flexibility with lunch today. If I can eat what I want (within reason) and drink my tea, I'll be okay. We will see. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning.

Right Back On Track

Okay, so go figure... After a couple weeks of no rationing, no legit exercise, and no purging, I've still managed to lose 2 pounds. I mean, I totally could have lost more if I hadn't subconsiously decided to lose control, but 2 pounds is pretty awesome. 123.5 is a much prettier number than 128.5 pounds. I will never, EVER be that again. When I get old, I want to be beautiful and still able to wear cute shoes and classic clothes. I won't be one of those C.J. Banks grannies... I'm very proud of myself, and to treat myself in a non-detrimental way I am currently brewing some of this anti-fatty tea. It's almost like a laxative, I think... I'm not even really sure what it does. I should probably learn. Psh! Too much work! Anyway, I need to start working out so I don't gain that "skinny fat" sort of body when my weight is where my goal is set. That would totally suck. Weight isn't so important. It's that fragile, helpless look that I crave so, so, so much. I will be a porcelain doll.

I have a collarbone again. It's beginning to be lovely once more. It curves smoothly, and starts to hide itself behind my shoulderblades. It's curving like my smile. The more it curves, the more I smile, and the more I smile, the more it curves. It's a symbiotic relationship that is currently in my favor and the favor of my happiness. My fat is a paracite. It wants to feed off of and live off of my beautiful bones. This is where I put my foot down. NO. MORE. I will fuck it into submission. It will run away with it's lipid tail between its cellulite-legs and hide beneath my beautiful scale, never daring to come out and show it's ugly, grotesque self in my mirror again.

Frustration

I've completely fallen off the wagon. That's why I haven't posted in a very long time. I've been very ashamed of myself and my habits. I haven't tracked any of my intake or exercise since school got out. I thought that the summer would be an opportunity to take care of myself and lose all this weight. I feel disgusting.
Currently I am sick as a dog. I havn't eaten much today, but I totally ate too much last night. I had almost an entire sleeve of wheat crackers at 80 calories for every five... I felt so guilty it wasn't even funny, and I felt even worse in the morning. I woke up with a fever, in a cold sweat, whimpering and writhing. I took some Ibuprofen and was able to fall asleep again, and when I woke up I was covered in a film of disgusting, cold sweat. I wiped myself off, and went back to bed. I woke up again, and got Hella bored. I wanted to work out, seeing as though I was really guilty about bein such a fatty, but my body just hurt so bad. I couldn't do it. Maybe I'll be able to overcome that for the future.
I probably should have made myself some of my fat burning tea, but my laziness was overpowering. I'm seriously out of control of myself. This isn't even okay.