Yeah, not my best move...

This morning was awesome! I had a rice cake, half a pear, and some coffee. And I felt way full, too. And then something happened: I started eating simply because I could. I weighed myself, and I was 124.5 pounds, which rocked, then I spoiled it by eating and eating and eating. This week HAS to start to get better on my part. I have GOT to stop eating so much and FAST before I start to gain back a ton of weight, probably more than I started with. Tomorrow's going to be a liquid fast cosisting of water with Emergen-C, cranberry juice, plain water, and some soy milk, possibly with some enzyme suppliments. If all goes well, it might become a three day fast. I'll post my consumption tomorrow evening, and then do some serious exercise. Wish me luck, non-existent readers.

GRAWR!

Okay, so the past two days have been full of eating, eating, and more eating. I don't feel so great about myself. In fact, I've really got to get my butt back into gear. Yesterday I had Bible study, and ate these super delicious sandwiches. That were also full of fat and sugar. It was awful. Awful, awful, awful. And today I've had at least 1,500 calories and very little exercise. Tomorrow needs to get me back on to my routine. 800 calories. Little fat and sugar. Lots of water! 2,000 calorie workout. I've decided that I'm not allowed to treat myself to new things unless I get all of my daily goals completed each day for two weeks. If I follow the rules, I can get myself something new and small (and cheap, and not food-related obviously) to reward myself.
My family and I might be getting a dog, which would be awesome because I'd have a running partner. A long time ago, we picked up a dog off the side of the road. It was a Border Collie who'd been abandoned and just dropped off in the desert, and he was the sweetest thing ever. We kept him and named him Nick. He was totally my dog. He was my best friend, and about three summers ago we had to put him down because he had an enlarged heart. And three years later, we've decided it's time for another one. He'd be my dog. I certainly want a boy who's not a puppy, and he'd have to be fluffy and a snuggler ;) Snuggly Border Collies are the best things in the world.
Well, wish me luck on staying strong tomorrow and the rest of the week. School ends on the 26th! Yay! Means more time for exercising. Makes me happeh... I hope somebody finds me.

Falling Off The Wagon

I was doing so well this morning, and then came my last class of the day. In biology we were finishing tests. Biology tests are easy, so I finished first. And then what did I get to do? I got to sit around, stare at the clock, and think about how badly my stomach burned. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to eat, but after I rode my bike home I had to. I simply had to. I'll be better, though... I went 109.5 calories over my limit of 800. 109.5!!! Way too many! No wonder I'm so fat. This isn't fair.

Morning: Nothing!!! :)
Later: 1/2 orange [34.5] :)
Cinnamon Life [120] :(
Soy milk [35] :)
2 strawberry yogurts [320] :( :( :( :( :( :(
Chicken tacos [300] :(
Enchiladas [100] :(

I was so awful today. Tomorrow's an all-liquid day. Or else it's going to be a mile-long run and two hours on the bike. Maybe I should do that anyway... Whatever. My ex-boyfriend had been my best friend for the longest time after we broke up, and today he told me that he didn't want to see me anymore, because it hurt him too badly. I thought he was over it. I thought he was over me... I guess not. He was my support through this. He wouldn't give me bites of his food, and he'd motivate me to keep exercising. Now I won't have him for motivation, not to mention I won't have him for a friend. He's so great... I'll miss him greatly.

Why???

I can't even believe myself right now... I had such a good day of working out and not eating anything because I was out of school, until about 2 o'clock when everything went horribly wrong. Ugh... I'm not even going to post my dailys because of how embarrassed I am. I just tried to purge, but only a little would come up. I'm feeling so fat right now. Every bite that goes into my mouth is visibly being added to my waist and thighs. I swear I can see every ounce materializing. Looking at myself is a challenge. All of the exercise I've been doing has me a little concerned that I'll be adding a lot of muscle... I don't want to be muscular and fit, I want to be stick thin! I want to be fragile and breakable! I want to look like I'd snap if I were handled roughly! This seriously blows...
I've made myself a little red braided bracelet to remind myself that I don't have to continue to be ugly. If I follow my goals of restriction and fasting, I'll be lovely. And if not, I'll stay fat and sturdy. I need to kick my eating habit into control, and fast. I can't continue to hate myself for my weight. I. Will. Be. Skinny! Tomorrow's another day, the goal is still under 800. I'm going to do it. I am. And, with God as my witness, I promise myself that I won't fail.

Woah!

Okay, either my scale is broken, or I've just been working out in my sleep, because last night I didn't purge and when I stepped on the scale this morning this is what it read: 125.5
I'm not sure how that even happened! I'm so happy, though. My stomach's so empty and I'm already starting to feel comfortably numb. This is going to be great. I just need my body to start catching up with my weight. My legs are still fat as ever, as are my arms. Maybe by the time I get to 110 it'll decide to look beautiful. I've got to get a gym membership or something, because I don't think this stationary bike is going to cut it. I mean, I can burn 100 calories in 15 minutes if I ride it properly, but I'm not certain that it's working all the places I want it to be. I don't want to have Lance Armstrong legs, either!!! Ah, well. I'm going to go work out. My butt still hurts...
I hope somebody out there finds me. I'm getting lonely. I need some support through this. I don't think I can do this on my own.

I Feel Horrible

I was bad today. I was 2 calories over... 2 whole calories. That's not too bad, and they're already taken care of, but that still sucks. I feel horrible. I think I'm going to purge. I want to ride my stationary for four hours tonight... If my backside didn't hurt from yesterday and my parents weren't already a little suspicious, I would. Here goes nothing...

Breakfast: 1/2 banana [52.5] :)
green tea [0] :)

Later: Cheerios [140] :/
mint [5] :)
part of a chocolate cookie [20] :(
bite of a cheese pizza [10] :(
two sticks of gum [8.5] :)
1/2 orange [34.5] :)
Cinnamon Life [180] :(
low fat milk [153] :(

Dinner: 7 carrots [17.5] :)
chicken leg [181] :(

Total: 802 :`(

Many many bad feelings right now. Tomorrow's going to be a liquid fasting day. For sure.

Blegh...

Today hasn't been so bad. I've still got one more mastication performance to make before I'm home free for the day (being dinner), but I've stayed way under my goal of 800. You know, it's kinda hard to eat more than 800 calories when you're not eating hardly anything... Anyway, I'll post my dailys after dinner, and hopefully I've been able to fight off the major binge I'm craving. I want ice cream. I want cereal with real milk.
I just got back from the grocery store, and I was about to buy some foods that would make this process a little easier. I made it to the dairy isle, picked up some Silk Light, and was headed to the produce to go isle-to-isle picking up things I felt okay eating. It wasn't two minutes later that my step-father put his hand on my shoulder and scared the Hell out of me. I totally wasn't planning on running into him... He gave me a huge speech about how I shouldn't be spending my own money on food, and proceeded to ask why I wanted soy milk. I did my best to come up with something so that he wouldn't think that I have an unhealthy relationship with foods... I got away with it.
But here's some good news: Last Weight: 127 lbs! Yay! Very happy. I hope I don't screw it up!

Great Day!

For a first day, today was great! I started by limiting my intake to 800, and then went to the mall and the carnival. No funnel cake for me! I did falter a little, though... When it came to lunchtime, I ate some Teriyaki Express and it tasted so good, but it was so wrong. I felt like a failure... I only ate half a plate though and A ate the rest. Surprisingly enough, I stayed way under 800. I was very pleased with myself. My gut reaction was to eat some Ben & Jerry's, but that would have blown my entire day. I totally resisted. I stayed strong, knowing that the workout for tonight would be so much easier on me if I did. I just got done with an hour on our stationary bike, and am about to go in for another half hour. Thin's going to taste so much better than any carton of Phish Food ever would.

Breakfast: 1/2 banana [52.5] :)
splash of orange juice [+-1] :)
cup of plain coffee [3] :)
Lunch-ish: 2 sticks of gum [3.5] :)
1/2 plate of sesame chicken and noodles [185] :(
a few sips of Sprite [48] :(
Dinner: 1/2 pork chop [102.5] :/
1/2 cheese/brocoli rice [93] :(
7 carrots [17.5] :)
Total: 509.5 :D

All things considered, not a bad first day. Tomorrow's limit will still be 800. I'm going to go and finish out my last half hour on the bike. Maria, don't fail yourself.

I'm supposed to be working...

Today I'm supposed to help with our family yard sale, but when I was in the shower this morning my step father yelled at me, asking if I was willing to take my younger sister to the carnival. I had an uneasy feeling about it, because I love funnel cake, but it's, like, the worst thing possible for me right now. I need to stay strong. We're going to be there for most of the afternoon. I'm also taking my friend A to keep me company. I hope she doesn't tempt me to eat, because I'm trying to stay under 800 calories today. I've already had about 103 from the banana I ate this morning, and I can't eat anything else today because I can't look weird in front of my family at dinner. I hope they don't notice that I'm not eating as much as I used to. A will be a problem, because she's always on me about eating enough. I guess I'll just have to hope for the best.
is anybody even listening?

Goodnight

I'm so tired and I just took my medicines, so I'll probably crash here pretty soon. I'm bipolar, so I take two medications for that, I have acne, so I take a medication for that, and I'm taking a prenatal vitamin so my hair and nails stay nice during my weight losing. The stupid thing about my bipolar medication is that it's supposed to make me gain weight. I just started taking it, and I'm afraid to see if I gain weight. If I do, I'll just have some extra work to do. I can still taste the hamburger I ate about six hours ago. I feel kinda gross, and I wish I weren't so tired so I could ride our stationary bike some more. I barely even rode it tonight... Ugh...

I watched America's Next Top Model today. I can't honestly say I know which cycle it was, but my favorite Top Model wannabe was in this one. Marjorie is so beautiful... She's very awkward, but that's the point. I want my body to give the same effect hers gives. She's my goal. I hope I can stay strong through this process. I'm scared. So scared... I hope I can get some support through this.

A Fresh Start

Every new adventure starts with a beginning. I've been down this road a few times before, but this time I'm going to do it. I'm not going to be upset with myself when I stumble (and oh, yes, will I stumble). I'm just going to pick myself back up and keep going. Take things one day at a time. When I was at my smallest, I was the happiest I'd ever been. I liked when people would say, "You need to eat more," or when I'd visit my relatives, "Maria, last time I saw you you were at least a size bigger. You need a belt, my dear!" It was the best feeling in the world to be noticed for being thin. I want to feel that again. I'm not sure what happened, but I gained quite a bit of weight over the last two years or so. This adventure is going to be one of self-evaluation and self-healing. I will lose this weight, and when I do, I'll be as happy with myself as I've ever been.

arms - flabby towards the top and middle. I've already got the old lady chicken-wing thing going on, and it has to go away. I'll feel so much better about myself when it does.

collar-bone - I used to have the most lovely shape with my collar bone. It would stick out just perfectly, and curve in all the right places. I can still kinda see it, but it's nothing like it used to be. I loved the way it curved down into my shoulder blades and made that little hollow pocket between the two bones. The shadow it cast was to die for. I'll have it back.

waist - I don't so much care about having a "girly" figure. If my waist is thin, but I don't have any curves, I'll be happier than if I was way curvy and a fatty. As long as I'm thin, and can't pinch an entire inch of fat off of my middle, I'm A O.K. As of right now, my waist is bigger than it really needs to be. I can still kind of see my ribs, but I can also pinch a bunch of fat from them. That needs to be dealt with.

stomach - not concave, nor convex, just right. Nice and flat, no pudgy like I've got right now. By the way, just a day or so ago, my mother grabbed my stomach and, trying to be cute, said, "Chubby belly!" as if I was still a baby and that didn't bother me. I wanted to cry. I haven't got a huge stomach by any stretch of the imagination, but the chub has got to go.

butt - not big, but waaay flabby. I've got a ton of cellulite back there. It's not big, round, or voluptuous thank God, but it needs quite a bit of toning. That's where the exercise comes in. If anybody reads this and has a fool-proof suggestion, hit me up!

thighs - they're big, and they do this ugly thing that right below my hips they curve straight out. My legs look like two letter S's where the top parts huge and the bottom part not so much. It's so ugly. If nothing else changes about my body, this must go away. I'd like to get to a point where they don't touch unless I make them. Like, when I'm just standing there, I want them to stand by themselves and not lean on each other for support.

calves - over the course of this process, I want them to lose some of their extra muscle. I used to be a basketball player and march on the drumline in marching band, so my calves are very muscular. It doesn't fit my ideal. I want them to be cute, and girly, and super thin like the rest of my future self. I want to love my calves, since I never have before. They've never been small enough.

This isn't going to be a negative thing. I'm not going to come up on here and blog about how ugly I am every day. That isn't productive. I'm going to be strong and progress in this adventure. I. Will. Be. Skinny. Period. It starts tonight. I'm going to go work out by riding our family stationary bike while I watch Robin Hood: Men In Tights with my family. I hope they don't think something's going on, and I also hope they don't unintentionally stifle my progress. I will have control over myself and my body. I will have control. I will have control. I will have control.