Rules! Rules! Murmur!
I WILL walk whenever possible.
I WILL use any excuse I can find to not eat when I'm not at home. Excuses will include:
-a. I already ate.
-b. I'm not hungry.
-c. I don't feel good.
-d. I'm allergic to ( ).
I WILL get out of the house, no matter what the weather or my physical condition is.
I WILL drink 1 glass of water every hour.
I WILL drink green tea every morning.
I WILL NOT eat breads or bread-like things.
I WILL get 100% of my daily fiber.
I WILL weigh myself every Wednesday and Saturday.
I WILL wear my red bracelet.
I WILL take my medicine.
I WILL wash my face morning and night.
I WILL blog my progress every day.
I WILL love myself.
Failure won't happen.
Sunday = 800
Monday = 700
Tuesday = 600
Wednesday = 500
Thursday = 400
Friday = 300
Saturday = 200
Sunday2 = 300
Monday2 = 400
Tuesday2 = 500
Wednesday2 = 600
Thursday2 = 700
Friday2 = 800
Saturday = 200
Sunday = 800...
I have weigh-ins and calorie intake limits entered into my phone calendar, set to ring at me every morning to start the day off right. I'm so excited! Lemme put my ninja socks on! It's already started ;) The first minutes of the greatest month of my new body's life. This is going to be amazing for me, and amazing for everybody participating. I know it. You all are strong, ladies! We can totally do this! Let's go to bed and wake up thinner than the night before. Let's be sneaky, and stealthy, our sleek new bodies slipping un-noticed through the dark, like dark, un-noticeable slippy things.
My Journey
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Finally!
Finally, I can post current stuff! I don't know why it took me so long to post all of that stupid journal stuff... Grr... I'm just happy it's done and over with, and now I can get going on my personal journey again. I haven't been doing too badly. I've only gained about 1 1/2 pounds it seems, but I haven't done a real weigh-in since I've gotten back yet. I'm a little nervous... I can't gain any more weight. I'll post more later.
By the way, I just found out about SSPA, and think it'd be good for me. Actually, I know it will be good for me, so I'm going to participate. I'll post all of my goals when I'm in more private surroundings. But mainly, I want this next month to be about forming habits that'll continue until my goals are met. Much love, if any of you are still reading... Unlikely, but I can always hope that I'm not alone.
By the way, I just found out about SSPA, and think it'd be good for me. Actually, I know it will be good for me, so I'm going to participate. I'll post all of my goals when I'm in more private surroundings. But mainly, I want this next month to be about forming habits that'll continue until my goals are met. Much love, if any of you are still reading... Unlikely, but I can always hope that I'm not alone.
Outer Banks - Day 10 July 26
I'm in a stranger's house all alone this morning. I slept in a strange girl's bed. Her bedroom was bright, radioactive green. It was fine when the lights were off, but otherwise it game me a huge headache. Or that might have been the caffeine unsupplimented by food. Either way, last night was a rough sleep. Now that I'm awake, I'm sitting in an armchair, eating a 60 calorie dark chocolate stick, watching an old black-and-white film. What's awesome is that I can not only sit in this armchair, I can curl up in it, and my fat isn't really getting in the way as much as it used to. I'm thrilled, to say the least. This movie is full pf film sirens, with thin bodies and beautiful faces, perfect hair, completely groomed and dressed to the nines. I wish I were like them. I'm about to finish off this chocolate stick, and after about 2 hours a friend and his son will pick me up for breakfast. Probably at Einstein Brother's Bagel Company. I don't know what I'll have, or how I'll get away with eating half... Updates may be possible.
B - Hershey's Extra Dark Chocolate Stick - 60
hash browns - 208
1 egg over medium - 80
2 slices of toast - 180
popcorn - 20
L - 1 Pizzeria Express Cheese Slice - 200
Meh... I promised myself I wouldn't eat the popcorn at the movie I went to, and I only ate the pizza because I was feeling very sick. Shaking, fast heartbeat, trouble concentrating, and about to pass out. It was too much to handle, but I has to or I'd surely give myself away to the people I was with. I'm on a plane to Salt Lake and after that I'm going home. I'm finally going home... It's been too long out of my house without a personal home-base. I still feel sick. I'm shaking hard... I want to sleep so I can't think about it. I can't think about it, because food will make me fat and I know it'll make me feel better.
L2 - pretzels - 45
D - Odwalla Orange Juice - 220
I'm almost home. I'm in the Salt Lake Airport waiting to hoard my last plane of this whole fiasco. I'm running out of space to write, though, because I started an Elle Magazine thinspo on the next page. I feel horrible. Dizzy, hungry, and incredibly fatigued. It's almost over, and when it is, I can start taking care of my body. More exercise. Less stress-calories. More blogging. More literature. Less fat. I wonder how much I weigh...
B - Hershey's Extra Dark Chocolate Stick - 60
hash browns - 208
1 egg over medium - 80
2 slices of toast - 180
popcorn - 20
L - 1 Pizzeria Express Cheese Slice - 200
Meh... I promised myself I wouldn't eat the popcorn at the movie I went to, and I only ate the pizza because I was feeling very sick. Shaking, fast heartbeat, trouble concentrating, and about to pass out. It was too much to handle, but I has to or I'd surely give myself away to the people I was with. I'm on a plane to Salt Lake and after that I'm going home. I'm finally going home... It's been too long out of my house without a personal home-base. I still feel sick. I'm shaking hard... I want to sleep so I can't think about it. I can't think about it, because food will make me fat and I know it'll make me feel better.
L2 - pretzels - 45
D - Odwalla Orange Juice - 220
I'm almost home. I'm in the Salt Lake Airport waiting to hoard my last plane of this whole fiasco. I'm running out of space to write, though, because I started an Elle Magazine thinspo on the next page. I feel horrible. Dizzy, hungry, and incredibly fatigued. It's almost over, and when it is, I can start taking care of my body. More exercise. Less stress-calories. More blogging. More literature. Less fat. I wonder how much I weigh...
Outer Banks - Day 9 July 25
I haven't written in forever, it seems. The last few days have been nothing other than binging and eating foods that warrant guilty feelings. That's all I've felt, guilt. It's been overwhelming and ridiculous, because I know that I'm stronger than that. I know that I'm better than consumption. I know that I'm worthy of being skinny, but only if I spend the time and energy restricting to the extreme. Otherwise, I am worthless. I want to be beautiful.
B - 1/2 bagel
1/2 peanut butter
1 apple
I'm on a plane from Charleston, West Virginia to Washington D.C. From there I'll have a 3-hour layover, during which I will not eat and will instead opt to walk around as much as possible until my flight to New Mexico. I'm heading home. I'm starving and heading home. The things I've done to my body over the past days cannot happen ever again. There will be forgiveness this time and this time only. Next time there will be blood.
It was mostly a nice vacation, minus the binging put of boredom. Had aunt Cindy not been there, and had the jellyfish not washed up on the shores the last two days it could very well have been considered perfect. I have a tan :)
Not being able to post to my blog has been rough... Even worse has been being unable to read everybody else's.
STICK THIN: your blog has to be the best one out in the whole blogger's paradise. I might die if you ever stopped posting. I truly care about your successes and your struggles alike. Major shout-out, sweetie.
PERI: I've done a ton of thinking about you. Currently can't wait to update myself on your life when I get back, as well as you, LIZ.
I love you both very much. My pen's starting to die...
*later*
I have just boarded my flight to New Mexico. What you don't know is that my 3-hour layover in D.C. turned into 15 minutes running with the slim chance that I'd make it to my fate in time to bard the plane. My flight to D.C. was directed to Charlottesville because of weather and we weren't sure if we'd be continuing on to D.C. later. Needless to say, huge drama, because if I didn't make this flight I'd have to stay the night there, alone, with no knowledge of what to do next. We were stranded for what seemed like hours. Eventually we were re boarded and we were on our way to D.C. And not with a minute to spare... I had to get myself from the end of the A section to the front of the D section in 15 minutes. Good for my body! Especially since the only things I've eaten were eaten at breakfast. My favorite thing on Earth is burning calories I don't have, by the way... It just makes me feel so incredible, because it means there's no extra inside of me, and all of my "extra" body is being used up. It's ideal. It's optimal. Ana consumes me, and I consume nothing. That will be my creed. My quote. My everlasting promise to myself and someday-perfect body.
Some of the best thinspiration ever is a living, breathing fat person munching away, especially if they look something like you. It shows you direct cause and effect. It shows you why you starve. It shows you who you will be if you eat that last doughnut. It shows you that your body is wrong to tell you that the pain in your stomach is hunger and needs tending to. It shows you why you're going to suffer tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. It makes you discover the eternal next day.
I'm filling my stomach with hot and cold liquids, ignoring my hungry stomach. It's good this way. It's better this way. I've had water and black coffee. The water is cold and burns calories, and the coffee is hot, calorie-free and warms my stomach to make the pains in my stomach go away. I could do this all through an entire day, if I wanted to, and had the supplies at hand all day. It'd be easy. Although, the difficult part would be staying alone all day, and I'd have to time my activities perfectly around staying away from food. A single cracker and I'd be fucked. A little thing called self-control goes out of the window at times like that. Man... I want some more coffee... or some more water... or even just a diet coke. Something to keep my tummy happy so it doesn't get pissed off and rage and pillage the nearest kitchen. There are so many tasty smells on this airplane. I'm drawing to mind the Internet joke "breathatarianism". It'd be pretty boss... though impossible. As if the word impossible means anything anymore.
*later*
Yay! More water. I hope we land soon. I don't even know what time it is, let alone what time we're supposed to touch ground again. Maybe this water will fill my stomach enough to satisfy until I can get up and walk a little. A destination keeps my mind and my tummy happy at the same time, more often than not. I think I need to start doing more stuff. Then maybe life will take 1st place and food will fall to the farthest back-burner on my proverbial stove. Once school starts, I'll have a shit-ton of homework (that I'm actually going to do this year). My class load is going to be so huge! It probably shouldn't even be legal, the combination of classes I'm taking. It'll be trigonometry (not bad), French 2 (pas mal), AP stats (going to kick my ass), 2-3 choirs (I've never done a choir in my life, and I made both advanced choirs. I'm scared!), Honors Comp Lit 10 (literature class from Hell. If I make it through with a passing grade, I'll fucking shit myself. And literature is the subject I kick ass at!), and whatever government class I end up in. I have no idea what that one will look like, but it's nothing to worry about compared to the others. Honors Comp Lit 10 will take up most of my time, as will the chemistry class I have to take. Math + science together? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Ugh... Luckily this schedule won't allow much time for munchings and crunchings. That extra time will be spent keeping myself clean and pretty. I want to actually be pretty this year... Maybe somebody besides Derric will want to take me to a dance this year. Maybe. I can only hope. I really have to pee.
*soon after*
More coffee, happy stomach, warm Maria. We'll be landing soonish. I suppose? I wonder who'll be picking me up from the airport. Guess I'll find out soon. I totally do not want to be hungry. It's the most idiotic feeling on Earth. Skinny is way more important, anyway. Let me stay strong so I can go to sleep and eat a small breakfast before another day of starvation. Sans travelling. I love coffee and water. All I need. Hot and cold. Black and white. I believe in a wholly black-and-white world. Sans compromise.
B - 1/2 bagel
1/2 peanut butter
1 apple
I'm on a plane from Charleston, West Virginia to Washington D.C. From there I'll have a 3-hour layover, during which I will not eat and will instead opt to walk around as much as possible until my flight to New Mexico. I'm heading home. I'm starving and heading home. The things I've done to my body over the past days cannot happen ever again. There will be forgiveness this time and this time only. Next time there will be blood.
It was mostly a nice vacation, minus the binging put of boredom. Had aunt Cindy not been there, and had the jellyfish not washed up on the shores the last two days it could very well have been considered perfect. I have a tan :)
Not being able to post to my blog has been rough... Even worse has been being unable to read everybody else's.
STICK THIN: your blog has to be the best one out in the whole blogger's paradise. I might die if you ever stopped posting. I truly care about your successes and your struggles alike. Major shout-out, sweetie.
PERI: I've done a ton of thinking about you. Currently can't wait to update myself on your life when I get back, as well as you, LIZ.
I love you both very much. My pen's starting to die...
*later*
I have just boarded my flight to New Mexico. What you don't know is that my 3-hour layover in D.C. turned into 15 minutes running with the slim chance that I'd make it to my fate in time to bard the plane. My flight to D.C. was directed to Charlottesville because of weather and we weren't sure if we'd be continuing on to D.C. later. Needless to say, huge drama, because if I didn't make this flight I'd have to stay the night there, alone, with no knowledge of what to do next. We were stranded for what seemed like hours. Eventually we were re boarded and we were on our way to D.C. And not with a minute to spare... I had to get myself from the end of the A section to the front of the D section in 15 minutes. Good for my body! Especially since the only things I've eaten were eaten at breakfast. My favorite thing on Earth is burning calories I don't have, by the way... It just makes me feel so incredible, because it means there's no extra inside of me, and all of my "extra" body is being used up. It's ideal. It's optimal. Ana consumes me, and I consume nothing. That will be my creed. My quote. My everlasting promise to myself and someday-perfect body.
Some of the best thinspiration ever is a living, breathing fat person munching away, especially if they look something like you. It shows you direct cause and effect. It shows you why you starve. It shows you who you will be if you eat that last doughnut. It shows you that your body is wrong to tell you that the pain in your stomach is hunger and needs tending to. It shows you why you're going to suffer tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. It makes you discover the eternal next day.
I'm filling my stomach with hot and cold liquids, ignoring my hungry stomach. It's good this way. It's better this way. I've had water and black coffee. The water is cold and burns calories, and the coffee is hot, calorie-free and warms my stomach to make the pains in my stomach go away. I could do this all through an entire day, if I wanted to, and had the supplies at hand all day. It'd be easy. Although, the difficult part would be staying alone all day, and I'd have to time my activities perfectly around staying away from food. A single cracker and I'd be fucked. A little thing called self-control goes out of the window at times like that. Man... I want some more coffee... or some more water... or even just a diet coke. Something to keep my tummy happy so it doesn't get pissed off and rage and pillage the nearest kitchen. There are so many tasty smells on this airplane. I'm drawing to mind the Internet joke "breathatarianism". It'd be pretty boss... though impossible. As if the word impossible means anything anymore.
*later*
Yay! More water. I hope we land soon. I don't even know what time it is, let alone what time we're supposed to touch ground again. Maybe this water will fill my stomach enough to satisfy until I can get up and walk a little. A destination keeps my mind and my tummy happy at the same time, more often than not. I think I need to start doing more stuff. Then maybe life will take 1st place and food will fall to the farthest back-burner on my proverbial stove. Once school starts, I'll have a shit-ton of homework (that I'm actually going to do this year). My class load is going to be so huge! It probably shouldn't even be legal, the combination of classes I'm taking. It'll be trigonometry (not bad), French 2 (pas mal), AP stats (going to kick my ass), 2-3 choirs (I've never done a choir in my life, and I made both advanced choirs. I'm scared!), Honors Comp Lit 10 (literature class from Hell. If I make it through with a passing grade, I'll fucking shit myself. And literature is the subject I kick ass at!), and whatever government class I end up in. I have no idea what that one will look like, but it's nothing to worry about compared to the others. Honors Comp Lit 10 will take up most of my time, as will the chemistry class I have to take. Math + science together? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Ugh... Luckily this schedule won't allow much time for munchings and crunchings. That extra time will be spent keeping myself clean and pretty. I want to actually be pretty this year... Maybe somebody besides Derric will want to take me to a dance this year. Maybe. I can only hope. I really have to pee.
*soon after*
More coffee, happy stomach, warm Maria. We'll be landing soonish. I suppose? I wonder who'll be picking me up from the airport. Guess I'll find out soon. I totally do not want to be hungry. It's the most idiotic feeling on Earth. Skinny is way more important, anyway. Let me stay strong so I can go to sleep and eat a small breakfast before another day of starvation. Sans travelling. I love coffee and water. All I need. Hot and cold. Black and white. I believe in a wholly black-and-white world. Sans compromise.
Outer Banks - Day 6 July 22
B - 4 slices of bacon - 184
1 pancake - 74
syrup - 55
cereal - 100
milk - 45
slice of toast - 90
1 pizza slice
Psh... Today breakfast = lunch. I really want to go for a walk, but I'm afraid to ask because of yesterday's incident. I can't find anywhere to read my book, or anything. I got through another 60-some pages of Bridget Jones, but unfortunately it's not a book I can read out in pubnlic. I don't know what to do at this point... I want to just purge and forget how fat I am. My dad has an awful sunburn, so we won't be going to the beach, but we will be going to a really old lighthouse at some point today. Lighthouse = stairs. Maria likes stairs.
L - 2 servings of Doritos - 300
8 Pringles - 91
3 Chips Ahoy - 150
skim milk - 45
1 pancake - 74
syrup - 55
cereal - 100
milk - 45
slice of toast - 90
1 pizza slice
Psh... Today breakfast = lunch. I really want to go for a walk, but I'm afraid to ask because of yesterday's incident. I can't find anywhere to read my book, or anything. I got through another 60-some pages of Bridget Jones, but unfortunately it's not a book I can read out in pubnlic. I don't know what to do at this point... I want to just purge and forget how fat I am. My dad has an awful sunburn, so we won't be going to the beach, but we will be going to a really old lighthouse at some point today. Lighthouse = stairs. Maria likes stairs.
L - 2 servings of Doritos - 300
8 Pringles - 91
3 Chips Ahoy - 150
skim milk - 45
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Outer Banks - Day 5 July 21
B - Cheerios - 100
Milk - 40
L - apple - 70
1 1/2 Monte Cristo sandwich - (God knows)
D - 5 slices of cheese pizza
1 1/2 serving Phish Food
1 chicken wing
Doritos - 300
I was very good today until about lunch. The apple I had was supposed to be lunch, but then I remembered that I had asked my dad to make me a Monte Cristo sandwich and felt guilty since he went out and bought and entire loaf of French bread just for me. And the pizza grew legs and walked down my throat, I swear. I hope that all of my calories were offset by how much exercise I had today. We went to the beach twice to play in the waves. It was a real adventure, because the current was so strong and kept pulling me to the left when I wanted to go forward. I was soooo tired afterwards both times. And on those beach trips we did a lot of walking on the sand. My tan's improving.
Much later, I told my dad I was going for a walk. I started walking through the little development we're living in for the week, but got bored, so I went back to the house and got my flip flops, some water, and my iPod. I would have left the iPod, but I planned on doing some running along the water once I got to the beach since I can't run unless I'm barefoot. The sand was so nice. I got my feet all wet and sandy running along the coastline. I left my phone at home so it wouldn't get wet. Mistake number one. Mistake number two was getting lost and not remembering which set of stairs I hap put my stuff by. It had been the best run of my life, and so eventually I found my stuff, the stairs, and my way back to the house. On the street leading up to our driveway I see my dad walking towards me. Long story short, I was gone for a long time, he got worried since he couldn't get ahold of me since I left my phone at home. We talked it out and all is well now, but I hate it that he doesn't think I'm capable of protecting and taking care of myself when I'm alone. I can't really blame him, though. He's never spent enough time with me to even know the kind of person I am and what I'm capable of. He doesn't realize I'm older than I seem. He doesn't understand that I'm smart, either. He thinks I should be acing easy classes instead of struggling through super hard ones. By the way, he's the type of guy who's pissed that I got 2 B's out of the entire year. Every other grade was an A, and he's pissed about two B's. Might I mention that the B's were in Biology and Honors Algebra 2? Classes I was supposed to take in 10th grade instead of 9th because they're hard, but I took them because I worked my ass off in middle school? It's really frustrating.
Milk - 40
L - apple - 70
1 1/2 Monte Cristo sandwich - (God knows)
D - 5 slices of cheese pizza
1 1/2 serving Phish Food
1 chicken wing
Doritos - 300
I was very good today until about lunch. The apple I had was supposed to be lunch, but then I remembered that I had asked my dad to make me a Monte Cristo sandwich and felt guilty since he went out and bought and entire loaf of French bread just for me. And the pizza grew legs and walked down my throat, I swear. I hope that all of my calories were offset by how much exercise I had today. We went to the beach twice to play in the waves. It was a real adventure, because the current was so strong and kept pulling me to the left when I wanted to go forward. I was soooo tired afterwards both times. And on those beach trips we did a lot of walking on the sand. My tan's improving.
Much later, I told my dad I was going for a walk. I started walking through the little development we're living in for the week, but got bored, so I went back to the house and got my flip flops, some water, and my iPod. I would have left the iPod, but I planned on doing some running along the water once I got to the beach since I can't run unless I'm barefoot. The sand was so nice. I got my feet all wet and sandy running along the coastline. I left my phone at home so it wouldn't get wet. Mistake number one. Mistake number two was getting lost and not remembering which set of stairs I hap put my stuff by. It had been the best run of my life, and so eventually I found my stuff, the stairs, and my way back to the house. On the street leading up to our driveway I see my dad walking towards me. Long story short, I was gone for a long time, he got worried since he couldn't get ahold of me since I left my phone at home. We talked it out and all is well now, but I hate it that he doesn't think I'm capable of protecting and taking care of myself when I'm alone. I can't really blame him, though. He's never spent enough time with me to even know the kind of person I am and what I'm capable of. He doesn't realize I'm older than I seem. He doesn't understand that I'm smart, either. He thinks I should be acing easy classes instead of struggling through super hard ones. By the way, he's the type of guy who's pissed that I got 2 B's out of the entire year. Every other grade was an A, and he's pissed about two B's. Might I mention that the B's were in Biology and Honors Algebra 2? Classes I was supposed to take in 10th grade instead of 9th because they're hard, but I took them because I worked my ass off in middle school? It's really frustrating.
Outer Banks - Day 4 July 20
Yesterday? Complete fucking failure. I refuse to go into detail, because after rehashing my food relapse I'd probably find the nearest gun and proceed to kill myself. Today will be better. Know why? Because I'm not going to eat breakfast, which means I'm not going to eat lunch, which means dinner tonight had better have some salad because self-control will be out of the question come nightfall. I hate being such a gluttonous queen, because all before me have ended up fat and alone. I can't have that. I won't have that.
Ugh... I know about when and under what conditions my binge started. It was after the English muffing and began with a powdered gem doughnut. Fuck those bastard doughnuts. Why does my grandfather have to be so God damned disgusting? He's so gross. He's dying because he refused to give up hiss pride and treat his diabetes. Now we all have to suffer his disgustingness. I can't stand him being awake. The word "please" doesn't exist in his vocabulary, nor does "thank you", "excuse me", or "I'm sorry." I wish you all were here so you could witness how truly awful this fucking family is so I didn't have to explain them. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate old people? I really do. When I turn 60, I hope I just keep over, because 60 is when people get old, 70 is when people get crazy, and 80 is when people get worthless. I'm sorry. That was rude. I'm just really frustrated and my polite filter is gone. So fucking tired of being polite to people who don't deserve it.
B - Cheerios - 100
milk - 45
L - English muffin - 100
peanut butter - 40
jam - 20
D - 4 cheese slices - 40
1 grape - 2
1 M&M - 4
1 glass of chocolate milk - 160
1 grilled cheese - 220
potatoes - 144
salad - 15
1 celery stalk - 4.5
*evening*
Altogether not such a bad day. I'm not going to count the Ben and Jerry's binge I had, because it was less than my average and I got rid of the calories one way or another. We just got back from the local theater's showing of Inception. Weird shit, no? I won't post spoilers, or anything, but I will say that Ellen Page was some serious thinspo. I'm gonna run tomorrow morning in my Converse since my running shoes were stolen, and only my foot blisters will slow me down. Or perhaps how ridiculously out of shape I am... We shall see tomorrow morning. Bon chance!
Ugh... I know about when and under what conditions my binge started. It was after the English muffing and began with a powdered gem doughnut. Fuck those bastard doughnuts. Why does my grandfather have to be so God damned disgusting? He's so gross. He's dying because he refused to give up hiss pride and treat his diabetes. Now we all have to suffer his disgustingness. I can't stand him being awake. The word "please" doesn't exist in his vocabulary, nor does "thank you", "excuse me", or "I'm sorry." I wish you all were here so you could witness how truly awful this fucking family is so I didn't have to explain them. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate old people? I really do. When I turn 60, I hope I just keep over, because 60 is when people get old, 70 is when people get crazy, and 80 is when people get worthless. I'm sorry. That was rude. I'm just really frustrated and my polite filter is gone. So fucking tired of being polite to people who don't deserve it.
B - Cheerios - 100
milk - 45
L - English muffin - 100
peanut butter - 40
jam - 20
D - 4 cheese slices - 40
1 grape - 2
1 M&M - 4
1 glass of chocolate milk - 160
1 grilled cheese - 220
potatoes - 144
salad - 15
1 celery stalk - 4.5
*evening*
Altogether not such a bad day. I'm not going to count the Ben and Jerry's binge I had, because it was less than my average and I got rid of the calories one way or another. We just got back from the local theater's showing of Inception. Weird shit, no? I won't post spoilers, or anything, but I will say that Ellen Page was some serious thinspo. I'm gonna run tomorrow morning in my Converse since my running shoes were stolen, and only my foot blisters will slow me down. Or perhaps how ridiculously out of shape I am... We shall see tomorrow morning. Bon chance!
Outer Banks - Day 3 July 19
B - 5 blueberries - 3.9
3 celery sticks - 4.5
2-egg omelet - 310
coffee - 4
Surprisingly I've found time to write in the morning, unlike yesterday when my family was hovering over me until about midnight. Nobody can see my writings, or my calorie-counting. If they do, I'm dead, and my mom will be under attack from my dad. It'd get really messy. Even more reason to keep a low-profile this week. My cousin used to be anorexic, so her parents and my other cousins know all the warning signs. This could be tempting fate...
I went for a nice walk with my dad this morning, despite all the heat and humidity. I can't even describe how sad I'll be if I've gained weight at the end of this week. I'll probably cry. See, the problem is I don't want to eat at all, but being with family means 3 square meals every day. I try to make them work for me, but it's hard not to seem strange. This morning I asked my dad to use as minimal amount of butter as possible in my omelet. He went out and bought cooking spray instead.Great for me, bad for keeping a low-profile. Maybe today can help make me lovely instead of putting me deeper into the ugly hole.
L - English muffin - 100
butter spread - 25
jam - 20
I've estimated that I've eaten about half of my allotted calories for the day (about 470) and have concluded that the rest of them must be consumed only at dinnertime. I'm glad I came down to check the calories per on the powdered gem doughnuts they've kept on the kitchen counter on my phone's calculator, because consuming even one today would have put me in the position to eat over my limit come dinner. We're having pasta. Luckily I know that the type of pasta we're having has about 230 calories per one 3/4 cup serving, and I've given myself some wiggle room for my dad's pasta sauce. Generally, I think that wiggle room should never be considered, because I believe in staying as far below my limits as possible. But given the current familiar climate I am left with little choice but to scrimp a little portion here and there, decline the little snacks and chips every so often, and distract my family from my eating entirely. I'm really scared of raising suspicions. If that happens, it's all over. I hate not being able to skip any meals... I'd much rather go to bed and sleep off the hunger pangs than to go to be with a full, fattening stomach filled with food.
3 celery sticks - 4.5
2-egg omelet - 310
coffee - 4
Surprisingly I've found time to write in the morning, unlike yesterday when my family was hovering over me until about midnight. Nobody can see my writings, or my calorie-counting. If they do, I'm dead, and my mom will be under attack from my dad. It'd get really messy. Even more reason to keep a low-profile this week. My cousin used to be anorexic, so her parents and my other cousins know all the warning signs. This could be tempting fate...
I went for a nice walk with my dad this morning, despite all the heat and humidity. I can't even describe how sad I'll be if I've gained weight at the end of this week. I'll probably cry. See, the problem is I don't want to eat at all, but being with family means 3 square meals every day. I try to make them work for me, but it's hard not to seem strange. This morning I asked my dad to use as minimal amount of butter as possible in my omelet. He went out and bought cooking spray instead.Great for me, bad for keeping a low-profile. Maybe today can help make me lovely instead of putting me deeper into the ugly hole.
L - English muffin - 100
butter spread - 25
jam - 20
I've estimated that I've eaten about half of my allotted calories for the day (about 470) and have concluded that the rest of them must be consumed only at dinnertime. I'm glad I came down to check the calories per on the powdered gem doughnuts they've kept on the kitchen counter on my phone's calculator, because consuming even one today would have put me in the position to eat over my limit come dinner. We're having pasta. Luckily I know that the type of pasta we're having has about 230 calories per one 3/4 cup serving, and I've given myself some wiggle room for my dad's pasta sauce. Generally, I think that wiggle room should never be considered, because I believe in staying as far below my limits as possible. But given the current familiar climate I am left with little choice but to scrimp a little portion here and there, decline the little snacks and chips every so often, and distract my family from my eating entirely. I'm really scared of raising suspicions. If that happens, it's all over. I hate not being able to skip any meals... I'd much rather go to bed and sleep off the hunger pangs than to go to be with a full, fattening stomach filled with food.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Outer Banks - Day 2 July 18
B - 1/2 bagel - 135
1/2 peanut butter - 128
1 apple - 72
L - 1/2 Berry Almond salad - 165
1 chicken nugget (Wendy's) - 46
7 saltine crackers - 87.5
D - baked Doritos - 90
taco meat - 140
cheese - 40
coffee - 74
10 celery sticks - 15
TOTAL - 992.5
Fuck... Not much else to say about today. I don't even have the caloric values for the food I ate and I already know it's too much. How am I ever going to get skinny at this rate? The answer is that I'm not. My formerly anorexic cousin, Brianne, just told me that it's 11:11 and time to make a wish. My wish? To be able to eat less than 700 calories tomorrow and for my running shoes to magically appear in my duffel bag, because they were totally stolen from my gym locker and I miss them. I feel like such a fat cow. My dad and I were talking about working out and stuff and I mentioned that I had lost a ton of weight, and he gave me a look that suggested I still look like the same fatty I was when he saw me around Christmas. And I thought I was looking smaller! Shit.
We finally made it to our beach house in the Outer Banks. We spent the night in Charleston, West Virginia and drove here all day. We left at around 7 in the morning and drove until 6 this evening. It was brutal, to say the least. To top off the misery, my dad and I had to ride in the car with my psycho aunt and her adopted daughter, Paige, who is three. Paige is fine, it's aunt Cindy who's worthy of going to jail for homicide over. I don't want to talk about why, though. There's too much to write down. Let's just say that I've been ignoring her phone calls and "forgetting" to call her back when she leaves messages since I was 13. Hate the fucking cunt slut bitch annoying fucker whore bag (sorry, excessive sweary-words). But really, by the end of this trip I probably will have contemplated murder fifteen billion times. Is murder justifiable in the United States if your sanity is at stake? Fortunately for me, if I had the judge meet here before I killed her, she'd understand, probably help me and make it look like an accident. There ARE sharks in this ocean...
Enough of my sociopathic tendencies for one night. Bottom line is if I give in to family pressure (of the food-related persuasion), I'm going to end up even fatter than how I came. And if that's the case, major purging would be in order.I wish I had help from you girls this week... I'm really scared, and there's little I can do about my eating. I almost entirely can't skip any meals, and I forgot my laxative tea at home. Dammit!
1/2 peanut butter - 128
1 apple - 72
L - 1/2 Berry Almond salad - 165
1 chicken nugget (Wendy's) - 46
7 saltine crackers - 87.5
D - baked Doritos - 90
taco meat - 140
cheese - 40
coffee - 74
10 celery sticks - 15
TOTAL - 992.5
Fuck... Not much else to say about today. I don't even have the caloric values for the food I ate and I already know it's too much. How am I ever going to get skinny at this rate? The answer is that I'm not. My formerly anorexic cousin, Brianne, just told me that it's 11:11 and time to make a wish. My wish? To be able to eat less than 700 calories tomorrow and for my running shoes to magically appear in my duffel bag, because they were totally stolen from my gym locker and I miss them. I feel like such a fat cow. My dad and I were talking about working out and stuff and I mentioned that I had lost a ton of weight, and he gave me a look that suggested I still look like the same fatty I was when he saw me around Christmas. And I thought I was looking smaller! Shit.
We finally made it to our beach house in the Outer Banks. We spent the night in Charleston, West Virginia and drove here all day. We left at around 7 in the morning and drove until 6 this evening. It was brutal, to say the least. To top off the misery, my dad and I had to ride in the car with my psycho aunt and her adopted daughter, Paige, who is three. Paige is fine, it's aunt Cindy who's worthy of going to jail for homicide over. I don't want to talk about why, though. There's too much to write down. Let's just say that I've been ignoring her phone calls and "forgetting" to call her back when she leaves messages since I was 13. Hate the fucking cunt slut bitch annoying fucker whore bag (sorry, excessive sweary-words). But really, by the end of this trip I probably will have contemplated murder fifteen billion times. Is murder justifiable in the United States if your sanity is at stake? Fortunately for me, if I had the judge meet here before I killed her, she'd understand, probably help me and make it look like an accident. There ARE sharks in this ocean...
Enough of my sociopathic tendencies for one night. Bottom line is if I give in to family pressure (of the food-related persuasion), I'm going to end up even fatter than how I came. And if that's the case, major purging would be in order.I wish I had help from you girls this week... I'm really scared, and there's little I can do about my eating. I almost entirely can't skip any meals, and I forgot my laxative tea at home. Dammit!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Outer Banks - Day 1 July 17
Intake:
B - apple - 65
1/2 bagel - 135
1/2 apple jelly - 18
coffee - 2
L - apple turnover - 260
banana - 105
pretzels - 45
D - (will record later)
Haven't tracked and recorded my intake for the beginning of the trip (yesterday). I really don't plan on doing so, either. Last night's opera was fantastic. It had been the first time in 12 years the Santa Fe Opera had done Madame Butterfly, and we got lucky with the standing room only tickets we scored. It was fantastic to have stood for 3 hours, since I hadn't gotten any exercise the entire day, but my standing seat was right in front of the door and the wind was blowing something fierce through it. I wore my beautiful silver dress (strapless, short, structured layers that look like a cross between a cake and flower petals) and bright red lipstick. I felt beautiful, especially since my legs have gotten considerably smaller. The downside of the evening was when I got so cold from the wind taht I started to cry. I kicked off my shoes and did 300 calf-raises to keep warm. It helped a lot and made me forget about the cold completely. It was a lovely evening.
Currently I'm on an airplane en route to Atlanta, Georgia. I've never been to that area of the United States before. I won't see anything but the airport, though, since I've got a connection flight to one of the Virginias (I can't really remember which one...). Once I get to Mystery Virginia, father-dearest will pick me up and we'll stay the night before driving to the Outer Banks in the morning. Did I mention I get there at around 10 tonight? No bueno...
When I was boarding this plane, there was this boy who talked to me. I always dream that someday a boy who's as into music and skating and I am would talk to me in the airport, and this one had a guitar abd a skateboard with him and was obviously flirting with me. Perfect scenario. The only problem? I was TOTALLY not attracted to him... Just my luck. And I'm not incredibly shallow, by the way. It wasn't just his looks, it was the way he spoke, and what he chose to speak about... No fun! I could never hold a conversation with this guy. And when we got on the plane he wanted to sit next to me. I tried to say, "No." in the least obvious way possible (I said something like, "Eh, I think I'll take a long nap, but thanks anyway!"). And this guy didn't take the hint!!! He proceesed to put his skateboard and guitar in the overhead bin above my seat and sat next to me. I was flattered, but creeped out exponentially more! Then, the angel disguised as a flight attendant came on the loud speaker and said, "We are completely booked today! Make sure to seat yourself in your assigned place." I tried hard maintain composure and keep myself from cheering when he said, "Looks like we can't sit together..." and keep from yelling, "No! Please no!" when he said, "...but I'll find you after the flight." I've dubbed him Super Creeper completely unironically. Maybe I can run off the plane fast enough to avoid him... Is that mean?
I've planned on coming home a lovely 113 pounds. We will see. Dodging meals and swimming a ton? Me thinks so. Love ya.
*Atlanta, Georgia terminal*
D - 0 (I have decided to forgo dinner, because...)
1.) I had that fattening apple turnover
2.) I was in prime position to restrict since I was alone and under no obligation to eat, and didn't
3.) I am now alone and therefore unobligated to eat
4.) People are looking at me as if I'm pretty
5.) When I walked past the Ben&Jerry's stand in this airport, an incredibly fat woman walked past me. It was a message from God.
6.) There's an incredibly fat woman next to me currently in my terminal munching on a piece of crumb cake from Seattle's Best. Another message from God.
7.) My skinny jeans hang loosely off of me :)
I completely evaded Super Creeper. I had my carry-on items all packed up about 30 minutes before I had to just so I could get out before him and get the Hell out of that terminal so he wouldn't follow me. Poor guy...
I walked to my terminal so as to get some exercise. I even walked farther than I had to by accident because I confused my flights. Haha.
*later*
The terminal my flight leaves from changed so more walking (yay!). Guess what. More fat people munching (double yay!). This time it's a mother, father, and son who I'd clock at being about 12. The moment I got the the new terminal, the boy was openinb his mouth and straining himself physically to fit the double cheeseburger inside of it. The rest of them were stuffing themselves with Wendy's as well. The woman has a medium soda in her hand and a bottled Pepsi sitting next to her. Reason 8.) to skip out on dinner.
It's getting late, and I'm getting hungry... I almost cheated and ate something. I went to a kiosk that had fruit cups and parfaits. What was really cool was that they had caloric values on them!!! EVERYTHING needs to have that!!! Then maybe I wouldn't have eaten the turnover.
fruit cup - 66
parfait - 266
I happily declined both :)
*on plane to West Virginia*
I'm contemplating getting pretzels...
*later*
I got pretzels.
D - pretzels - 45
Total: 657
B - apple - 65
1/2 bagel - 135
1/2 apple jelly - 18
coffee - 2
L - apple turnover - 260
banana - 105
pretzels - 45
D - (will record later)
Haven't tracked and recorded my intake for the beginning of the trip (yesterday). I really don't plan on doing so, either. Last night's opera was fantastic. It had been the first time in 12 years the Santa Fe Opera had done Madame Butterfly, and we got lucky with the standing room only tickets we scored. It was fantastic to have stood for 3 hours, since I hadn't gotten any exercise the entire day, but my standing seat was right in front of the door and the wind was blowing something fierce through it. I wore my beautiful silver dress (strapless, short, structured layers that look like a cross between a cake and flower petals) and bright red lipstick. I felt beautiful, especially since my legs have gotten considerably smaller. The downside of the evening was when I got so cold from the wind taht I started to cry. I kicked off my shoes and did 300 calf-raises to keep warm. It helped a lot and made me forget about the cold completely. It was a lovely evening.
Currently I'm on an airplane en route to Atlanta, Georgia. I've never been to that area of the United States before. I won't see anything but the airport, though, since I've got a connection flight to one of the Virginias (I can't really remember which one...). Once I get to Mystery Virginia, father-dearest will pick me up and we'll stay the night before driving to the Outer Banks in the morning. Did I mention I get there at around 10 tonight? No bueno...
When I was boarding this plane, there was this boy who talked to me. I always dream that someday a boy who's as into music and skating and I am would talk to me in the airport, and this one had a guitar abd a skateboard with him and was obviously flirting with me. Perfect scenario. The only problem? I was TOTALLY not attracted to him... Just my luck. And I'm not incredibly shallow, by the way. It wasn't just his looks, it was the way he spoke, and what he chose to speak about... No fun! I could never hold a conversation with this guy. And when we got on the plane he wanted to sit next to me. I tried to say, "No." in the least obvious way possible (I said something like, "Eh, I think I'll take a long nap, but thanks anyway!"). And this guy didn't take the hint!!! He proceesed to put his skateboard and guitar in the overhead bin above my seat and sat next to me. I was flattered, but creeped out exponentially more! Then, the angel disguised as a flight attendant came on the loud speaker and said, "We are completely booked today! Make sure to seat yourself in your assigned place." I tried hard maintain composure and keep myself from cheering when he said, "Looks like we can't sit together..." and keep from yelling, "No! Please no!" when he said, "...but I'll find you after the flight." I've dubbed him Super Creeper completely unironically. Maybe I can run off the plane fast enough to avoid him... Is that mean?
I've planned on coming home a lovely 113 pounds. We will see. Dodging meals and swimming a ton? Me thinks so. Love ya.
*Atlanta, Georgia terminal*
D - 0 (I have decided to forgo dinner, because...)
1.) I had that fattening apple turnover
2.) I was in prime position to restrict since I was alone and under no obligation to eat, and didn't
3.) I am now alone and therefore unobligated to eat
4.) People are looking at me as if I'm pretty
5.) When I walked past the Ben&Jerry's stand in this airport, an incredibly fat woman walked past me. It was a message from God.
6.) There's an incredibly fat woman next to me currently in my terminal munching on a piece of crumb cake from Seattle's Best. Another message from God.
7.) My skinny jeans hang loosely off of me :)
I completely evaded Super Creeper. I had my carry-on items all packed up about 30 minutes before I had to just so I could get out before him and get the Hell out of that terminal so he wouldn't follow me. Poor guy...
I walked to my terminal so as to get some exercise. I even walked farther than I had to by accident because I confused my flights. Haha.
*later*
The terminal my flight leaves from changed so more walking (yay!). Guess what. More fat people munching (double yay!). This time it's a mother, father, and son who I'd clock at being about 12. The moment I got the the new terminal, the boy was openinb his mouth and straining himself physically to fit the double cheeseburger inside of it. The rest of them were stuffing themselves with Wendy's as well. The woman has a medium soda in her hand and a bottled Pepsi sitting next to her. Reason 8.) to skip out on dinner.
It's getting late, and I'm getting hungry... I almost cheated and ate something. I went to a kiosk that had fruit cups and parfaits. What was really cool was that they had caloric values on them!!! EVERYTHING needs to have that!!! Then maybe I wouldn't have eaten the turnover.
fruit cup - 66
parfait - 266
I happily declined both :)
*on plane to West Virginia*
I'm contemplating getting pretzels...
*later*
I got pretzels.
D - pretzels - 45
Total: 657
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Back Down. Finally!
To Liz: Yummy gummies? Consider them "gotten".
Got back from a walk with the dog and an on-a-whim trip to the local grocery store. I got myself some Flinstone vitamins. I wanted the hard, crunchy ones but they only had the gummies. Oh, well! I just took a few and they taste great, and totally haven't fucked with my stomach. I also got some Odwalla juice and some frozen meals. No, none of that will be going into my stomach today. But some of it will tomorrow, because it's my last day in town before my marathon of a trip... Ugh... I'm not sure how I'm going to handle not being able to post to this blog for such a long time. I mean, I'm taking a notebook that'll suffice for a journal, but I wonder if that's going to be enough. *assumes a ponderous facial expression and ponders away*
I'm back down to 115.5 and feeling pretty damn happy about that. Tomorrow's probably going to be lower because of today's fast and all the cardio/weights I've done. We can only hope. The step-monster will be home soon. I still have to vaccuum our basement and our basement stairs. I'm not complaining! It means more time moving around and less time focusing on my empty stomach. Oh! And I need to go to the day-old bread store and get that loaf of wheat bread that His Royal (asshole) Highness has requested. Busy, busy, busy. I absolutely love burning calories I don't even have!
Got back from a walk with the dog and an on-a-whim trip to the local grocery store. I got myself some Flinstone vitamins. I wanted the hard, crunchy ones but they only had the gummies. Oh, well! I just took a few and they taste great, and totally haven't fucked with my stomach. I also got some Odwalla juice and some frozen meals. No, none of that will be going into my stomach today. But some of it will tomorrow, because it's my last day in town before my marathon of a trip... Ugh... I'm not sure how I'm going to handle not being able to post to this blog for such a long time. I mean, I'm taking a notebook that'll suffice for a journal, but I wonder if that's going to be enough. *assumes a ponderous facial expression and ponders away*
I'm back down to 115.5 and feeling pretty damn happy about that. Tomorrow's probably going to be lower because of today's fast and all the cardio/weights I've done. We can only hope. The step-monster will be home soon. I still have to vaccuum our basement and our basement stairs. I'm not complaining! It means more time moving around and less time focusing on my empty stomach. Oh! And I need to go to the day-old bread store and get that loaf of wheat bread that His Royal (asshole) Highness has requested. Busy, busy, busy. I absolutely love burning calories I don't even have!
I know what I'm gonna do today!
I need to pick myself up some Flinstones vitamins or something, because I just took all the vitamins I'm supposed to take everyday (and haven't taken since I was 12) and it was AWFUL! I've still got that dry-gellatin taste in my mouth! Gag me...
Just got back from a 3-mile walk/run. It's 90 degrees here, and I kinda insist on wearing my black track jacket whenever I run... I dunno why, it just makes me feel more comfortable. My face is red and my stomach hurts sooo bad... I wanted to do 5 miles, but I felt like I was going to throw up, which would have been bad because a) I have a retainer that would really make my life miserable if I threw up unexpectedly, and b) I'd lose all of the vitamins that I took, and since they've been such a fucking nightmare today, I'd hate to have suffered for nothing.
Which makes a really good point.
Suffering for nothing is rediculous. With today's fast, I'm struggling so hard to keep it. But I'm not suffering for nothing. I'm suffering to be beautiful and for others to see me as beautiful. I WILL NOT blow today's fast, because I've already suffered thus far today, and all of it would be useless if I gave up now. That'll be my mantra when I just can't run anymore, or when I want that last slice of cake. "I refuse to suffer for nothing".
Just got back from a 3-mile walk/run. It's 90 degrees here, and I kinda insist on wearing my black track jacket whenever I run... I dunno why, it just makes me feel more comfortable. My face is red and my stomach hurts sooo bad... I wanted to do 5 miles, but I felt like I was going to throw up, which would have been bad because a) I have a retainer that would really make my life miserable if I threw up unexpectedly, and b) I'd lose all of the vitamins that I took, and since they've been such a fucking nightmare today, I'd hate to have suffered for nothing.
Which makes a really good point.
Suffering for nothing is rediculous. With today's fast, I'm struggling so hard to keep it. But I'm not suffering for nothing. I'm suffering to be beautiful and for others to see me as beautiful. I WILL NOT blow today's fast, because I've already suffered thus far today, and all of it would be useless if I gave up now. That'll be my mantra when I just can't run anymore, or when I want that last slice of cake. "I refuse to suffer for nothing".
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Fail Fail Fail
Back up... 118... I've been embarrassed to post, because I've obviously gained weight. Not only the scale says so, but I can tell by looking in the mirror. Every fucking ounce. And today I promised myself would be the day that I stop eating. I kept screaming at myself, "STOP STOP STOP!!!" and I just wouldn't listen! I didn't binge, and the only "real" meal I ate was a bowl of cereal with no fat milk, but that's an excuse. It's an excuse from the enemy! I feel like a failure, so tomorrow's going to be the beginning of my acai berry flush. Water, laxie tea, and these pills. Danger? I don't fucking care... I made a serious promise to Derric that I wouldn't purge. Ever. By his deffinition, though, purge means throwing up. There are other sorts of purging, though... I need to start doing them religiously after I've had a bad day. Swimsuit-time is soon. Not like, I've got time to do things properly. No. It needs to happen today and now. It'll happen, because it has before. I'll drop the weight gained, and everything will be okay. Total flush, no more hunger. No more hunger. I need some support, girls... I'm not one to beg for attention, or anything like that, but I need help. I'm a helpless victim of my body's "needs", and seem to no longer be able to fuck them into submission. I need this. I can't be helpless anymore. Actually, I won't be helpless anymore!
I found out that Frosted Mini-Wheats have 8 1/3 calories per little biscuit.
b - nothing (asleep)
l - milk - 30
- cookie - 100
- mini-wheats - 166
- milk - 45
- rice cake - 70
- peanut butter - 55
- jam - 17
d - nothing. Nothing nothing nothing but my tea and a pill or two. I'm done eating. This is such bullshit...
My chest is breaking out in red bumbs, like, hardcore. I don't think it's an allergy, because I'm prone to acne. It's just strange that it's happening right now since I haven't had a single zit on my chest or back for months. Is it related to my habits (or lackthereof, perhaps?) If anybody's got information on it, please tell me. Please?
I'm going to Santa Fe for the opera on the 16th, leaving Santa Fe for North Carolina on the 18th, and getting back to Colorado on the 25th. I won't have computer access, but I will keep a journal with my intake and my thoughts. I'll post all of it when I get back. I hope these little bumps go away, because I've got such a beautiful strapless opera dress, and it'd be a shame to seem ugly that night... I hate feeling so ugly.
I found out that Frosted Mini-Wheats have 8 1/3 calories per little biscuit.
b - nothing (asleep)
l - milk - 30
- cookie - 100
- mini-wheats - 166
- milk - 45
- rice cake - 70
- peanut butter - 55
- jam - 17
d - nothing. Nothing nothing nothing but my tea and a pill or two. I'm done eating. This is such bullshit...
My chest is breaking out in red bumbs, like, hardcore. I don't think it's an allergy, because I'm prone to acne. It's just strange that it's happening right now since I haven't had a single zit on my chest or back for months. Is it related to my habits (or lackthereof, perhaps?) If anybody's got information on it, please tell me. Please?
I'm going to Santa Fe for the opera on the 16th, leaving Santa Fe for North Carolina on the 18th, and getting back to Colorado on the 25th. I won't have computer access, but I will keep a journal with my intake and my thoughts. I'll post all of it when I get back. I hope these little bumps go away, because I've got such a beautiful strapless opera dress, and it'd be a shame to seem ugly that night... I hate feeling so ugly.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Catch-Up (Rant Warning)
To Peri - Way to go on the binge-free-ness! I've been pretty good, too. I only had 3 cookies and a glass of milk yesterday, and that was all as far as calorie intake for the entire day went. I'm pretty sure we can slay the ugly bastard soon. We'll catch him off guard, how's that? I know his situation sucks... There's not much he can do, seeing as though he's as young as I am. He's got too much pride, and lives on the outskirts of town, meaning he can't get to the soup kitchen or Salvation Army. I keep asking him to swallow it and start accepting help from other people, but he won't do it except from me. Although, it's a great place for me to get rid of binge-provoking food. Like the scones I made... Mmm, scones... NO!
I feel pretty... Oh, so pretty... I'm going on a really long hike today in cold high altitude again. I'm super excited, because I haven't yet eaten anything today (and barely anything yesterday) and it'll just burn calories I don't have. I weighed myself this morning. 115.5
I feel really good about where I am right now. I'd like to lose about another pound-and-a-half by the time I have to jet off to Santa Fe and North Carolina. It's bikini season, don't cha know. My legs aren't in shape yet, though. I haven't been doing enough resistance. They're still fat, whiny blobs that jiggle violently when I run. Oh, well... Intense week starts today. They'll be less fat in my bikini... They'll be less fat in my bikini...
I got into it really bad with my step monster last night. I didn't talk to him or anything, and don't plan on it unless I have to. He doesn't respect me. Come to think of it, not many people do in my house. For example, I walk up to our attic (where I keep my sick sterio system), and find that my record player is completely out of sorts. The belt protector's off, the needle arm isn't where I left it, the felt disk is off, and my copy of Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy is out of it's protective cover AND sheet. I was so mad. I started crying. I yelled at my sister, because I thought she did it, she said no. I decided to believe her, because then I asked her if her (evil, evil, evil) friend Olivia could have done it. She said that she didn't know, but that it was a possibility. We told her that we were going to ask Olivia's parents about it, saying thatt if she did it we could get her into a lot of trouble (so as to guilt her out of her lie, if she was lying to us), and she said that was fine. I called the girl's dad, he said she was at a friend's house for the night, and he'd call me back later. I'm waiting by my cell phone all day today...
But that's not even the last of it... No... I go up to play a record last night only to find that the little miniature BITCH had destroyed my NEEDLE and HEAD CARTRIDGE, TOO!!! That's a $75 repair!!! I hope she doesn't lie to her dad, because we pretty much know that she did it, so that she can pay for the damn thing herself. I use this turn table almost every other day. And I can't, because she broke it. No respect...
Woah... How's that for a rant??? I'm totally sorry about that, I just can't vent to any of my friends, and my family doesn't want to hear it. Hope it's okay with y'all. Much love. I'm off to get ready for this beast of a hike. Wish me luck. Maybe I can lose the other .5 pound today and see a 4 on the scale in a couple days. Stay skinny, darlings.
I feel pretty... Oh, so pretty... I'm going on a really long hike today in cold high altitude again. I'm super excited, because I haven't yet eaten anything today (and barely anything yesterday) and it'll just burn calories I don't have. I weighed myself this morning. 115.5
I feel really good about where I am right now. I'd like to lose about another pound-and-a-half by the time I have to jet off to Santa Fe and North Carolina. It's bikini season, don't cha know. My legs aren't in shape yet, though. I haven't been doing enough resistance. They're still fat, whiny blobs that jiggle violently when I run. Oh, well... Intense week starts today. They'll be less fat in my bikini... They'll be less fat in my bikini...
I got into it really bad with my step monster last night. I didn't talk to him or anything, and don't plan on it unless I have to. He doesn't respect me. Come to think of it, not many people do in my house. For example, I walk up to our attic (where I keep my sick sterio system), and find that my record player is completely out of sorts. The belt protector's off, the needle arm isn't where I left it, the felt disk is off, and my copy of Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy is out of it's protective cover AND sheet. I was so mad. I started crying. I yelled at my sister, because I thought she did it, she said no. I decided to believe her, because then I asked her if her (evil, evil, evil) friend Olivia could have done it. She said that she didn't know, but that it was a possibility. We told her that we were going to ask Olivia's parents about it, saying thatt if she did it we could get her into a lot of trouble (so as to guilt her out of her lie, if she was lying to us), and she said that was fine. I called the girl's dad, he said she was at a friend's house for the night, and he'd call me back later. I'm waiting by my cell phone all day today...
But that's not even the last of it... No... I go up to play a record last night only to find that the little miniature BITCH had destroyed my NEEDLE and HEAD CARTRIDGE, TOO!!! That's a $75 repair!!! I hope she doesn't lie to her dad, because we pretty much know that she did it, so that she can pay for the damn thing herself. I use this turn table almost every other day. And I can't, because she broke it. No respect...
Woah... How's that for a rant??? I'm totally sorry about that, I just can't vent to any of my friends, and my family doesn't want to hear it. Hope it's okay with y'all. Much love. I'm off to get ready for this beast of a hike. Wish me luck. Maybe I can lose the other .5 pound today and see a 4 on the scale in a couple days. Stay skinny, darlings.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Wagon! Slow Down So I Can Hop Back On You!
Today's a turning point for me, I swear. Since 4 o'clock yesterday, nothing has passed my lips but herbal laxative tea and lip gloss. (FWI, I haven't been actually ingesting said lip gloss...) I was so hungry last night, since my body was used to my binging at night, but I said, "Bitch, PLEASE!" and went to bed just to make her shut up. It worked! Ca marche! I mean, I did have an orange this morning, but it took me a half hour to eat and I made a big cerimony out of it. I feel full-ish. I'm going to make myself some tea so that I'm not tempted by my own baked goods.
I love to bake. It's my favorite thing to do. It's so tactile, and I can listen to music while I do it, and I can give it all away and make people smile! I make these really great cookies from the Tollhouse cookie recipe, but I make them a special way. I won't say how!!! I swear, though, when my last boyfriend had one for the first time he would rather sleep with the cookies than with me. And he loved sleeping with me. This shit is bomb.
Today, my baking is for a movie marathon I'm going to this afternoon. Are any of you familiar with the BBC television series Robin Hood? Well, we're watching all of Season 2 this evening. I'm going to make a bunch of cookies and cakes and stuff for the girls. The only problem? My family insists that I keep some at home so that they can have some. That'd be fine, if I didn't live with them. I hate having my baking in the house, because I totally want to eat some. Like with this last batch of cookies... I wanted to give them all to my ex because he likes them so much, but my shit-for-brains step father was all like, "PSHH!!! NO FREAKING WAY!!! I like them so much, and your starving ex can't have any!" It was totally not cool.
Derric is starving, by the way. He comes from a seriously low-income family where anytime they have food in the house(which is a rare occaison), his younger and older brothers eat all of it before he can have any. He used to come over just to eat sometimes. Since school's ended, he's lost about 15 pounds due to not having any food. this will sound totally not cool, but a large part of me wishes I were in his situation so that I wasn't able to eat... I wish I were in a house without food. I want to live by myself in a house where the food in the fridge is only for show...
Keep on starving. I'm right there behind you.
I love to bake. It's my favorite thing to do. It's so tactile, and I can listen to music while I do it, and I can give it all away and make people smile! I make these really great cookies from the Tollhouse cookie recipe, but I make them a special way. I won't say how!!! I swear, though, when my last boyfriend had one for the first time he would rather sleep with the cookies than with me. And he loved sleeping with me. This shit is bomb.
Today, my baking is for a movie marathon I'm going to this afternoon. Are any of you familiar with the BBC television series Robin Hood? Well, we're watching all of Season 2 this evening. I'm going to make a bunch of cookies and cakes and stuff for the girls. The only problem? My family insists that I keep some at home so that they can have some. That'd be fine, if I didn't live with them. I hate having my baking in the house, because I totally want to eat some. Like with this last batch of cookies... I wanted to give them all to my ex because he likes them so much, but my shit-for-brains step father was all like, "PSHH!!! NO FREAKING WAY!!! I like them so much, and your starving ex can't have any!" It was totally not cool.
Derric is starving, by the way. He comes from a seriously low-income family where anytime they have food in the house(which is a rare occaison), his younger and older brothers eat all of it before he can have any. He used to come over just to eat sometimes. Since school's ended, he's lost about 15 pounds due to not having any food. this will sound totally not cool, but a large part of me wishes I were in his situation so that I wasn't able to eat... I wish I were in a house without food. I want to live by myself in a house where the food in the fridge is only for show...
Keep on starving. I'm right there behind you.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Failure, Anyone?
Yesterday was a total failure.
I'm not going to post my dailys for a while.
I'm scared my parents will find my blog.
My little sister saw that I have a blog.
If my parents ask her, she'll tell them.
I've got a drum lesson that I'm unprepared for.
I've been eating and eating and eating. I really don't want to start purging, or cutting just because I'm so frustrated with myself. It's so annoying that I can do so well, and in only a couple days go completely bezerk in the kitchen. I need to go on a camping trip. I need to just isolate myself in the Colorado desert with a tent, my dog, and my guitar. I need focus. I need strength. And Oi! Universe! I need a little freaking support here! I'm off to North Carolina next week, and I need a total cleanse so that I don't look like a fatty in my pretty little bikini. I'll take pictures. I just realized that I haven't put any photos of myself up here yet. If I do, and somebody by some miracle reads this, will you please scruitinize my every ripple and imperfection? It'd be great inspiration. I love this culture here. I love you girls, and I love the adventure we're all on. Stay hungry.
I'm not going to post my dailys for a while.
I'm scared my parents will find my blog.
My little sister saw that I have a blog.
If my parents ask her, she'll tell them.
I've got a drum lesson that I'm unprepared for.
I've been eating and eating and eating. I really don't want to start purging, or cutting just because I'm so frustrated with myself. It's so annoying that I can do so well, and in only a couple days go completely bezerk in the kitchen. I need to go on a camping trip. I need to just isolate myself in the Colorado desert with a tent, my dog, and my guitar. I need focus. I need strength. And Oi! Universe! I need a little freaking support here! I'm off to North Carolina next week, and I need a total cleanse so that I don't look like a fatty in my pretty little bikini. I'll take pictures. I just realized that I haven't put any photos of myself up here yet. If I do, and somebody by some miracle reads this, will you please scruitinize my every ripple and imperfection? It'd be great inspiration. I love this culture here. I love you girls, and I love the adventure we're all on. Stay hungry.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Yay!!!
Even with my cookie binge this morning (I had 5... ugh...) I managed to step on the scale at a nice, friendly 116. I'm on my way, but I need to be working out much more. I don't want to have to weigh less than 110 to look the way I want, but if it comes to that... I guess I'll have to. I'm starting to worry about doctor's visits. I mean, they weigh me every time I'm in there, and the last time I was there I was at the beginning of my weight loss. Still a fat, disgusting 128.5. They'll think something's up if I walk in there and step on the scale, seeing it read 110. Or even 116... With my new medication, I was supposed to GAIN weight, not lose it. Heh, luckily I haven't been taking it.
I sneaked out to see a boy last night. I'd never done that before. It was really stressful, but it was so much fun! We stayed out until about 1:30 this morning. The best part? Completely Scot-free. I won't tell you all the details, but I will say that I feel really guilty about some of the things that happened, since I had fooled around with my ex yesterday, too... I'm not a whore, or a slut, or anything like that. I just gave in to temptation, and feel really awful about it. I want to cry... I think I'll just keep restricting until eventually I forget about it all entirely. Thinspo. Count those calories. Write in your journal. Anything to stop thinking about how horrible I am for flinging my body around like that.
I sneaked out to see a boy last night. I'd never done that before. It was really stressful, but it was so much fun! We stayed out until about 1:30 this morning. The best part? Completely Scot-free. I won't tell you all the details, but I will say that I feel really guilty about some of the things that happened, since I had fooled around with my ex yesterday, too... I'm not a whore, or a slut, or anything like that. I just gave in to temptation, and feel really awful about it. I want to cry... I think I'll just keep restricting until eventually I forget about it all entirely. Thinspo. Count those calories. Write in your journal. Anything to stop thinking about how horrible I am for flinging my body around like that.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
All Is Well
Derric's over now. Yeah, remember the awesome ex I was telling you about? He's at my house. He's always been so supportive, and today he told me how thin he thought I was. It felt really nice.
b - 0
l - 0
d - 754
[x] Under 800 calories
[x] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[ ] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[ ] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[ ] Dogs over at the park morning and night
The dailys for today are going to be great, because I'm kinda feeling too lazy to eat anything... Did some last-minute cardio last night before reading my Bible and crashing. I was totally dead to the world, until I had to get up to have a doctor burn my face off (chemical peel for acne scarring... ugghhhllllezzzzz...). Today's been an awesome day! He's been touching my waist, and my hips, and it feels so good to have him here with me... I've missed him so much. Stay thin my lovelies!
b - 0
l - 0
d - 754
[x] Under 800 calories
[x] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[ ] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[ ] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[ ] Dogs over at the park morning and night
The dailys for today are going to be great, because I'm kinda feeling too lazy to eat anything... Did some last-minute cardio last night before reading my Bible and crashing. I was totally dead to the world, until I had to get up to have a doctor burn my face off (chemical peel for acne scarring... ugghhhllllezzzzz...). Today's been an awesome day! He's been touching my waist, and my hips, and it feels so good to have him here with me... I've missed him so much. Stay thin my lovelies!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Let's Slit Our Wrists and Burn Down Something Beautiful
Bonus points if you know where that's from.
To Stick Thin: Thank you so much for being supportive, and being the only one out in Cyberland who's thought to reach out to me. It means everything. Literally, your comments and whatnot have made the difference to me. You're beautiful, and brilliant, and everything I wish I could be. You can make it through the tough times, girlie, and that's admirable in this age of giving up and giving in.
Sooo... Ramen noodles are my weakness... It's a known fact by Food Satan. I decided to form all of my daily calories around being able to eat them, and currently? I am! They taste like happiness, wrapped up in sodium wrapped up in calories wrapped up in shouldn't-be-eating-this guilt. Oh, my, is dinner going to be interesting! I can't wait to move out, even though it means fending for myself. Actually, I am fairly certain that I could fend for myself, providing that I were 18 and therefore more likely to be, you know, HIRED! I've been trying to get a job for months, but it's just been impossible. Nobody here will hire under 18. It's been so frustrating. But anyway, I can't wait until I can move out, because that means no obligatory family dinner every night. I usually save most of or all of my daily calories for dinnertime because more often than not I am unable to not eat.
What's different today? Nothing really... I just really, really, reeaaalllllyyyy wanted Ramen tonight. I resisted and restricted all day, and it was just time. I don't see it as a loss of control, I see it as compensation for the fact that I've stopped taking my medication for my Bipolar Depressive schitz...
To Stick Thin: Thank you so much for being supportive, and being the only one out in Cyberland who's thought to reach out to me. It means everything. Literally, your comments and whatnot have made the difference to me. You're beautiful, and brilliant, and everything I wish I could be. You can make it through the tough times, girlie, and that's admirable in this age of giving up and giving in.
Sooo... Ramen noodles are my weakness... It's a known fact by Food Satan. I decided to form all of my daily calories around being able to eat them, and currently? I am! They taste like happiness, wrapped up in sodium wrapped up in calories wrapped up in shouldn't-be-eating-this guilt. Oh, my, is dinner going to be interesting! I can't wait to move out, even though it means fending for myself. Actually, I am fairly certain that I could fend for myself, providing that I were 18 and therefore more likely to be, you know, HIRED! I've been trying to get a job for months, but it's just been impossible. Nobody here will hire under 18. It's been so frustrating. But anyway, I can't wait until I can move out, because that means no obligatory family dinner every night. I usually save most of or all of my daily calories for dinnertime because more often than not I am unable to not eat.
What's different today? Nothing really... I just really, really, reeaaalllllyyyy wanted Ramen tonight. I resisted and restricted all day, and it was just time. I don't see it as a loss of control, I see it as compensation for the fact that I've stopped taking my medication for my Bipolar Depressive schitz...
Checklist #3
[x] Under 800 calories
[x] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[x] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[x] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[x] Dogs over at the park morning and night
b - 0
l - cereal
~milk - 70
~cereal - 110
Baby Cliff Bar - 45
d - Ramen Noodles - 380
Green beans - 15
Strawberry shortcake - 200
Total - 820
In short, obviously not under 800 calories... BUT, for the purpose of self-support, I'm going to count all the exercise I did today (and I did a crapton, let me assure you) as cancelling out the extra 20.
[x] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[x] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[x] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[x] Dogs over at the park morning and night
b - 0
l - cereal
~milk - 70
~cereal - 110
Baby Cliff Bar - 45
d - Ramen Noodles - 380
Green beans - 15
Strawberry shortcake - 200
Total - 820
In short, obviously not under 800 calories... BUT, for the purpose of self-support, I'm going to count all the exercise I did today (and I did a crapton, let me assure you) as cancelling out the extra 20.
Yesterday was great!
In honor of Independence Day yesterday, my stepfather, sister, A.D.H.D. Border Collie and I went high up in elevation for an alpine hike. We live in the desert, so it's nice to get up and do some hiking where it's not so damn hot. Or red. So, we make the 1 1/2 hour drive up to the top of the Mesa, spend another hour looking for a trail, and then fail to see how cold it is outside of the car before we started. It was so cold my arms and face were turning purple... I wish I had taken some pictures of that, though, because it was almost pretty in an eirie kind of way.
I felt so great, I could have gone on for hours! I hadn't eaten anything that day, so I was using calories that didn't exist, not to mention how cold it was. We hiked for 150 minutes, so calories burned were something like 789, plus maintaining homeostasis. Killer day, I would say. I didn't drink enough water, though... I fulfilled all of my other requirements, but not the water... Oh, well. Guess I blew this week. There's always next week, and I'll finish out this week strong.
[x] Under 800 calories
[x] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[x] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[ ] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[x] Dogs over at the park morning and night
b - 0
l - peanut butter sandwich
~peanut butter - 30
~jam - 12.5
~bread - 160
d - 4 cookies - 240
fruit punch - 5
total: 447.5
By the way, I got down to 117 even yesterday.
I felt so great, I could have gone on for hours! I hadn't eaten anything that day, so I was using calories that didn't exist, not to mention how cold it was. We hiked for 150 minutes, so calories burned were something like 789, plus maintaining homeostasis. Killer day, I would say. I didn't drink enough water, though... I fulfilled all of my other requirements, but not the water... Oh, well. Guess I blew this week. There's always next week, and I'll finish out this week strong.
[x] Under 800 calories
[x] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[x] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[ ] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[x] Dogs over at the park morning and night
b - 0
l - peanut butter sandwich
~peanut butter - 30
~jam - 12.5
~bread - 160
d - 4 cookies - 240
fruit punch - 5
total: 447.5
By the way, I got down to 117 even yesterday.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
So I Have Wished It, and So It Is!
Yesterday when I said I'd see a 7 on the scale, I was slightly doubtful. Then, this morning when I took my weight I saw the magic number! 117.5. That'd be really cool, since I've lost 11 and 1/2 pounds, but I still look like the same ugly fatass I started out as! Oh, well. I think I have enough money for a gym membership. I'll start using their machines and crap, and eventually the shrinking process will begin. But yay! I'm so happy!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Checklist #1
[x] Under 800 calories
[x] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[x] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[x] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[x] Dogs over at the park morning and night
b - Rainier cherry - 4
l - 1 rice cake - 70
peanut butter - 20
raspberry jam - 12.5
d - 2 rolls - 140
oven roasted chicken - 500
Total: 746.5
Not a bad day, all things considered. I found myself reaching for a bowl of cereal around 4 this afternoon, and fought it off by starting in on a book instead. I can totally do this. I picture myself seeing the number 7 on the scale by the end of this next week. It's going to happen. I know it will.
[x] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[x] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[x] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[x] Dogs over at the park morning and night
b - Rainier cherry - 4
l - 1 rice cake - 70
peanut butter - 20
raspberry jam - 12.5
d - 2 rolls - 140
oven roasted chicken - 500
Total: 746.5
Not a bad day, all things considered. I found myself reaching for a bowl of cereal around 4 this afternoon, and fought it off by starting in on a book instead. I can totally do this. I picture myself seeing the number 7 on the scale by the end of this next week. It's going to happen. I know it will.
Back Down
Just weighed myself this morning. I'm back down to an even 118. I ran the dog this morning, so I can almost check off that part of the daily checklist. And I filled up the pitcher, so I'm working on my first glass of water. I found out that Rainier cherries are only 4 calories a pop, and they're negative calories as they digest, so it'll be like eating an M&M (which also has 4 calories a pop) except more filling and guilt-free.
I added a bunch of thinspo to my notebook last night. Click on the picture to the right and on the top and it'll take you to her DeviantArt page. I think she's so beautiful... You may not agree, but she's got that fragile look that I crave ever so much. She looks so lovely, and she's a real person who doesn't even own Photoshop. I hope today goes well. My family is driving me crazy, and the whole thing with Joey is sending me even more into Bad-Orbit. Ugh... Oh, well. I can only hope that both situations are capable of getting better.
I added a bunch of thinspo to my notebook last night. Click on the picture to the right and on the top and it'll take you to her DeviantArt page. I think she's so beautiful... You may not agree, but she's got that fragile look that I crave ever so much. She looks so lovely, and she's a real person who doesn't even own Photoshop. I hope today goes well. My family is driving me crazy, and the whole thing with Joey is sending me even more into Bad-Orbit. Ugh... Oh, well. I can only hope that both situations are capable of getting better.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Parties are the Work of The Enemy
Okay, so I got done with baking the scones and had only eaten a couple dark chocolate chips. Earlier in the day I had had a small bowl of cereal... So, I had been relatively good all day. Then it came to dinner time at the murder mystery party. I ate half the strawberries off of my Greek salad and a couple almond slivers, I had a spoonful of the coconut soup served to me, and then came the main course... Lasagna and garlic bread. I couldn't control myself. I ate everything on the stupid plate. It was awful! I was awful! It was like Satan himself had prepared dinner for me, tempting me and enticing me. I was mortified and felt the intense urge to purge, but someone surely would have heard me. I ate vanilla ice cream at dessert (since it was a birthday party) so as not to seem strange, and then in about two more hours I had a freaking sliver of German chocolate cake. It was the most horrific thing I could have possibly done to myself. All control exited my body and my brain was unable to stay stable against the current of my fatass actions.
I just got done with 36 minutes on the stationary bike. I'm going to go for another 24 to complete the full hour and then do some more if I can stand it. I have to stand it. I'm slowly creeping up to a regular weight of over 120 pounds. Plainly and simply, that will not fucking fly. I WILL be below 119 and I WILL do everything it takes to get there. There WILL be a daily checklist. It will be as follows below:
[ ] Under 800 calories
[ ] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[ ] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[ ] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[ ] Dogs over at the park morning and night
If I obey and am able to check everything on this list off, at the end of the week I will walk down to the drugstore and buy myself a small, cheap cosmetic of some sort. AND, all the money that I would spend on food while I'm out of the house will be placed into a jar and spent on these small cosmetics. Meaning that tomorrow while I go to the movies with one of my friends I will put the money I would be spending on popcorn and soda into this jar so I can't spend it. It'll be like Hella motivation. I will be skinny. I will be lovely. I will be strong and in control.
I just got done with 36 minutes on the stationary bike. I'm going to go for another 24 to complete the full hour and then do some more if I can stand it. I have to stand it. I'm slowly creeping up to a regular weight of over 120 pounds. Plainly and simply, that will not fucking fly. I WILL be below 119 and I WILL do everything it takes to get there. There WILL be a daily checklist. It will be as follows below:
[ ] Under 800 calories
[ ] At least 2 miles walking/jogging
[ ] At least 30 minutes stationary biking
[ ] 1 pitcher of water, minimum
[ ] Dogs over at the park morning and night
If I obey and am able to check everything on this list off, at the end of the week I will walk down to the drugstore and buy myself a small, cheap cosmetic of some sort. AND, all the money that I would spend on food while I'm out of the house will be placed into a jar and spent on these small cosmetics. Meaning that tomorrow while I go to the movies with one of my friends I will put the money I would be spending on popcorn and soda into this jar so I can't spend it. It'll be like Hella motivation. I will be skinny. I will be lovely. I will be strong and in control.
Out of whaaaaaaack!
My scale is so out of whack it's become unreliable. I stepped on this morning, and it read 119, which is believable. But when I stepped on just now it read something completely rediculous and impossible! There's no freaking way that I'm 113.5 at this very moment in time. Not even with as much restricting as I've been doing, that just isn't possible. So, I verified it with my grandmother's analogue scale. Although it isn't readable between the 0 and 5 pound marks, it said that I was around 119, and that put my heart at peace knowing what my weight was.
I'm not hungry yet. I haven't eaten all day. I feel completely fine, which is good because one of my best friends is having her annual murder mystery birthday party tonight. I get to dress up as a Hollywood starlet, and planned on wearing the long, red dress I wore to last year's homecoming, but when I tried it on it nearly fell off. That's positively awesome. It was a 6 when I bought it, a 4 when my grandmother altered it so I could wear it to homecoming, and it doesn't fit meaning I'm probably a 2! Yay! Now if my pant size would zero-out I'd be closer to happiness. I'm positive I'm still a 7 in pants, if not a 5. My boobs are getting smaller... but totally not doing that shriveled-up prune thing that I've read about. Take care! I'm off to bake some scones and finish curling my hair. It's a little Gaga-esque, but it'll work ;)
I'm not hungry yet. I haven't eaten all day. I feel completely fine, which is good because one of my best friends is having her annual murder mystery birthday party tonight. I get to dress up as a Hollywood starlet, and planned on wearing the long, red dress I wore to last year's homecoming, but when I tried it on it nearly fell off. That's positively awesome. It was a 6 when I bought it, a 4 when my grandmother altered it so I could wear it to homecoming, and it doesn't fit meaning I'm probably a 2! Yay! Now if my pant size would zero-out I'd be closer to happiness. I'm positive I'm still a 7 in pants, if not a 5. My boobs are getting smaller... but totally not doing that shriveled-up prune thing that I've read about. Take care! I'm off to bake some scones and finish curling my hair. It's a little Gaga-esque, but it'll work ;)
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Le Tigre and The Aerobicon
Hey all! I found a great anti-fatty workout dance in a video from one of my very favorite feminist rock groups. The song's called Deceptacon and it features a dance referred to as The Aerobicon. I just got done doing it, and it got my heart rate up for a good 3 minutes and 10 seconds. I suppose if I did it over and over again I could get my aerobic workout for the day out of it, but the main point is that the music and the dance are upbeat, encouraging, and simply a BLAST! I'll post a YouTube link. It's really fun. Lots of jumping around. Ehem, LOTS of jumping around.
It isn't spilling out of my pores anymore... *pout*
I'm so upset right now... I've gained 2 1/2 REAL pounds. No, it isn't just water weight, it's REAL weight. It's making me super depressed. And last night I actually ate and enjoyed dinner, making my situation even worse. This is misery. I can't believe I let myself lose this much control. Yesterday I tried getting back on track from my vacationing disaster, and what did I do? I ate half an apple, 6 Animal Crackers, and two entire slices of cheese pizza! That's fucking disgusting... Today's breakfast will consist of 1/4 of an apple, 3 Animal Crackers, and a huge cup of plain, black coffee. No sugar or cream added. Strict is my diet. I must not want.
I've been listening to a lot of Jawbreaker recently. They very well might be my favorite band on the planet. "I don't scratch so I won't itch/I don't reach so I won't miss." Probably the words that describe why I lost control of myself all those years ago. I stopped caring about myself, and what people thought of me. And then, something funny happened: people stopped thinking about me entirely. I couldn't stand it. It made me an attention whore. Now, I'm not an attention whore, just terrified of being forgotten. Does anybody else feel this? It's my greatest fear in life. My second greatest fear in life is getting old, and wrinkly, and unable to wear skinny jeans. That terrifies me as well.
I've been listening to a lot of Jawbreaker recently. They very well might be my favorite band on the planet. "I don't scratch so I won't itch/I don't reach so I won't miss." Probably the words that describe why I lost control of myself all those years ago. I stopped caring about myself, and what people thought of me. And then, something funny happened: people stopped thinking about me entirely. I couldn't stand it. It made me an attention whore. Now, I'm not an attention whore, just terrified of being forgotten. Does anybody else feel this? It's my greatest fear in life. My second greatest fear in life is getting old, and wrinkly, and unable to wear skinny jeans. That terrifies me as well.
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