Normal

I'm becoming... normal again. This isn't okay. I don't feel normal, but I'm wanting to eat normally. I mean, I don't WANT to eat, but I do anyway! This isn't okay! My control was so amazing. Then I don't know what happened. This isn't fair. I was doing so fucking well! I don't want to start eating normally again and gain all that FAT back! This is fucking insanity! I'm HEALTHY when I'm 130 pounds??? I'd be so disgusting if I weighed that again! I need to be beautiful. I want nothing more than to be beautiful. The rest of life?? It'll come eventually. Beauty can only happen NOW and if it doesn't it'll never happen!

Fail. Plain and Simple.

I'm a terrible blogger! I'm boring as Hell and never have anything to say! And then I try and be there for all of you TRULY WONDERFUL LADIES, and I fail all of you... I need to be less lazy and more committed to you guys and our beautiful journey. More to come. I need my habbits back. I'm becoming a fat slob again. I will be beautiful.

My dresses came. I caved. I tried them on. I even wore one to school. People keep telling me how skinny I'm getting. If only I were a waif and they could stuff me through keyholes.

So High...

Official weigh-in this morning: 113.5. I'm back, bitches. Feeling way good about that, and I've only had about 80 calories. Could it get any better?

Yesterday, I talked to my old debate coach, told him I wasn't going to debate this year. He said I've slimmed down. I smiled. This exceptionally PERFECT male specimine is engaged to a complete piece of garbage. She told Derric today that I was way skinny. No, I'm not way skinny, she's just way fat. But it made me feel good. It made me feel like I've got a purpose.

My sister doesn't respect me. I asked her if I could use the computer for important stuff. She refused. She decided to keep on playing Club Penguin... Fucking penguins... But it's okay. I'm on grandmother's computer. All is well.

Although, I do need to go back into the kitchen and do my homework. I just don't want my sister to get all pissy with me again. That's all she does these days! She speaks horribly to me... Oh, well... If I were as worthless as I am most of the time, I'd speak horribly to me, too.

Intake:
3 Starbursts - 60
brownies (too many) - God knows
1 Chikc-fil-a nugget - 32.5
1 bite of Velveeta shells and cheese - too much

So... Not a horrible day. There was also some cereal after school, but only because I was in robot mode. That must stop. That will not happen tomorrow. And I'm glad I'm beginning to memorize the calories in things I see every day and that are offered to me. I'll be able to count as I go. It's actually really cool. My brain does it automatically as I eat sometimes. It helps me keep on track. It helps me stay beautiful like all of you.

C'est moi! Et j'ai un probleme...

YAAAAAAAY!!!! Okay, so I stepped on the scale naked, just to make sure tomorrow's official weigh-in won't make me super, fucking depressed. Turns out, I'm bueno, and back down from 117. It read 115.5, so once I'm done laxative-ing (Lola, is that a verb? If not, it is now!) tonight, I'll be completely empty tomorrow morning, strip down, and get another official weight. I can hope it's lower... I can just hope...

School's two days in, and today was the first night I've done homework in my entire life. I shit you not. The rest of my years, I've done the assigned work a little here, a little there, a little not done, and a lot B.S.'ed. I did ALL of my assignments, have organized almost ALL of my stuff the way I need it to be, and have taken almost ALL organizational procausions needed to ensure that nothing slips through the cracks of my skull. I've got 40 pages of The Catcher in the Rye to read and study for a heavily-weighted quiz next week. Psh. Talk about a Hella long time. I'm going to do overkill on my assignments and schoolwork this year. I'm going to be so boss, I'll be the Boss-Lady. With that in place, I think I'll read the 40 pages once every day until the quiz day, taking notes when needed. Hopefully I'll have most of the stupid fucking insignificant details memorized that I'll not need the notes, but who knows? Maybe I'll sell the book after the class is over, notes taken, phrases highlighted. Schoolwork keeps me from eating. Eating is bad. Therefore, schoolwork is good.

Doggie Binge Afternoon

Welp, my dog went on a huge binge today, but luckily I didn't! My mom bought these frosted animal cookies as a treat for me on the first day of school (I about panicked because last time we had them in the house I ate them all...), so Gillian opened them up, ate one, fed one to the dog, Jack, and then we left to go downtown. When we come back, the cookies are off the counter, and the bag of Ramen noodles that my mom left on the floor (so irresponsibly) is torn open and little Ramen crumbs lead to Jack. We see two packages AND an empty bag of animal cookies!!! Hah! So, now there's less Ramen to tempt me, NO cookies to tempt me, and a very, very sick puppy-dog. So... NOW for some pictures. My sister Gillian's in them because I didn't know what I'd say if mom asked me why I wanted her to take pictures of me :P

I know my faces are way retarded... I get nervous and weird in front of the camera, and don't take good photos, anyway. Ahh, well.

First Day

Guess what tomorrow is? The first day of 10th grade, that's what it is. I showered, shaved, exfoliated until I was shiny and soft, and picked out the perfect dress to make a good impression. Too bad I'm too fat to be pretty... Lucky for me, I'll be too busy drowning in homework to eat properly! Yay me! The stress might be too much, though... I'll buckle down, and focus in. No B's. Only A's. No 115 pounds. Only < 115 pounds. Only. Not. Less than. No more than. I will be awesome. I will be strong. I will be powerful. I will take pictures of myself tomorrow and show you all who I really am. I really should be getting to bed... Today was a good day... Save for the ice cream. Which I only ate because my mother gave me the most suspicious glare I've ever seen in my life. She's off of my tail for now. When I'm perfect I think she'll be jealous and want me to be fat like her again...

I just ordered several eating disorder-related books from Barnes and Noble using some gift cards I'd neglected to use. Along with the My So-Called Life boxed set :) I'm going to be so busy not eating, I won't even notice! I'm very excited, if you haven't realized yet. But also if you haven't realized yet, my weight hasn't dropped yet... This week.... I know this week will be the magic week... Pray for me, will ya?

Sold. Soul'd.

Today was a shopping success. I'll post pictures when I get the chance. And, when my mom got home from work, we were looking at shoes on the internet. I popped up ModCloth into another tab, and we looked through the dresses, and she said to me, "Pick one out. I want you to have one." We like to shop together, and I was so happy she offered... I never ask for anything, because I'm such a guilty daughter, and she offered me to choose from dresses I'd pined over for God knows how long. She ended up wanting me to get two :) Today turned into a good day. Oh! And I'm, more or less, officially a size 5. Once a little more weight comes off, I'll officially be a 5. These dresses are going to be my motivation. I won't wear or even think of trying them on until I'm 110 pounds. Good thing I've got the week until they get here, because I probably won't be able to resist.


This one is so cute... I hope it fits right... She even bought me jewelry to go with it!

It's a pocketwatch!

This one I can just picture stick thin legs sticking out of the bottom... I want to be that beautiful some day... Maybe I will be at 110. Maybe... If I pray hard enough...

Aaaaaand she picked this to go with it. It'll look great. Once I'm 110. I'm saying it over and over again so it'll stick in my skull.

Guilty

I was feeling so low. I wanted to kill myself. I thought of all the ways to do it, but I've tried them all before, without any success. So, after I did too-few laps at the park, I went home, got out the toaster, and ate 6.fucking.toaster.waffles. with butter and all the fixin's. I feel like killing myself still, because I'm still a fatty. I'm off to the thrift store to sell all my fat clothes. If I get fat, I'll have nothing to wear. How's that for motivation, you fat fuck?

*insert clever title here*

Today has been mediocre. But, I came upon a realization that I think will help me on this journey. I'm going to start counting dinnertime as the start of my day. It just makes so much more sense to do it that way, because my family has family dinnertime every night, and I can sneak bites of food away and hide it, but I can't completely not eat. So, my calorie counts will start with dinner and end with lunchtime. I'm not making it make a bunch of sense in this post, but trust me, it makes sense :)

I'm really full, and just got back from a walk/jog. 579 calories burned. More than I've eaten today. Makes me happy.

B - 1 orange - 75
5 almonds - 35

L - cereal - 120
milk - 32.5
bread - 180

TOTAL: 442.5

I am pleased. I didn't want to eat the bread. I had to. I had 4 slices, because I haven't had enough fiber lately... I know, it's gross, but I can't get an accurate weight that way and I'm sick of hovering around 116, when I know I'm lower than that.

water will clear my skin and my body

fruits and veggies will give me vitamins

books will make me smart

reading will make me happy

walking will make me strong

sleep will make me feel refreshed

restricting will make me beautiful

Normal

Back in the house from a grueling day of evaluation at doctor's offices. Not weight-related. Mood disorder-related. Thank God. Although, they did weigh me. Good thing I've been holding stuff in (gross), because my weight was relatively normal when they took it. I don't need to have those types of problems on top of the ones I've already got. I ate almost all of my lunch today when I went for Chinese with my mom (Japanese, actually, but this place doesn't make food that's worthy of much distinction). Chicken, rice, and broccoli. Small portions. I feel bad, but not so bad. It's all I've had today. It's all I'll have today. Bottom line, I need to eat less, blog more, sulk less, run more. I need to do miles every day. Not just sit and waste away. That's not how you become beautiful.

I bought I nice book last night. It's called The Wintergirls. I really, really like it so far. I also have copious amounts of gift money for Barnes and Nobel, so once I find the little gift cardie-things I'm going to go to their website and order myself some serious literature. Keep myself busy when I'm done with my mountains of homework that will be thrust upon me come Monday. Psyched? Yes. You could say that.

Today was kind of miserable, though... I just got done with one of the hardest therapy sessions I've ever had. I don't want to give detail, but I just couldn't find the words. I felt as if nothing would come out. It was horrible. I'll not do that again, thanks.

California

My family and I are going to San Diego over the Christmas/Winter holiday. I will be under 110 pounds by then. Know why? Boutique shopping, that's why.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck-fuck-fuck

Uhm, I don't even know what to say for myself anymore. Hunger? Fuck hunger! Yet I still eat! I can't wait for school to start, because then I will study my ass off, get A's in every class, and NOT eat. I'll walk every day at lunch, I'll isolate myself if I have to, just please, please, please don't make me get fat. I've had 2 (smallish) bowls of cereal already today. I'm under my 500-calorie limit, but even then... Just barely... I need something to do. I'm just so fucking bored. I just need something to do. Some place to go. I just need to go to some shows. Jump around so much people think I'm on Ecstasy (that happened last time... I was embarrassed, but also too endorphin-high to care). I want to run, and run, and never stop running. My running's getting better. I can run longer. Faster. I will run myself thin. Just watch me waste away before your eyes. Sometimes I sit in bed all day, and picture myself shrinking as I sit there. No food, no sleep, just atrophy. I need to waste away. Today I get to walk all day. I'm excited. But also a failure. A big, FAT, fucking failure. Nobody's going to want me. Nobody will want me until my hair is long again, and my legs are sticks, and my arms are scarves in the wind.

Been A While, No?

It feels like I haven't been blogging enough. Probably because I haven't. Those pills are working llike magic, too, because I'm literally having to force myself to eat things. I'm never hungry. Or, at least, I haven't been today or yesterday. I eat out of the knowledge that I have to. My weight will start dropping again soon. It's already started to. I love you all... So much. I feel like you're my sisters, and that we can talk about anything. I was afraid I'd be alone in this. I was wrong.

I was eyeing myself in the mirror today. I'm starting to look good. My body is starting to look like a little girl's again, except that my waist is getting thinner. I can't wait to see how I'll look when I'm actually 110 pounds. After that, 100. After that, 98... It's exciting. I love life.

Getting Better All The Time

I've gained a little. I'm not too concerned, though. Today's going to be a day of recovering from all the calorie-burning I've done the last couple days. I went to a show night before last. Moshed the whole night and other such things. Then yesterday we did a river float. I kayaked for 3 hours and was in the canoe for 30 minutes. Now, if only I'd stop eating so much I'd be set. Eating is so disgusting... It's unnatural to stuff your face. We should spend time doing things, not eating so we can do things. I'm tired of not being able to drive... I want to go to some thrift stores...

Down, Down, Down

I'back down! I know I wasn't supposed to weigh myself on days that aren't Wednesday or Saturday, but I don't count the weigh-ins on the other days as meeting goals, or anything. It's just a check-up to see how I'm doing. But yeah, I'm sure yesterday's near-perfect day helped a lot. I'm going to do it again today, of course. I need to find a book that I haven't read yet, though, because I tried my walking and reading thing with a book I'd already read and it didn't work as well. Oh, well! I've got plenty of books I haven't read in my bookshelf. Today's going to be a great day.

I've been reading all of your posts... It makes me sad to see you so miserable. Things will pick up, though. We've been strong this month, and we will continue to be the women-warriors that we are. I love you all. Take care.

Good Day!

It's not over yet, but today has been a great day. I haven't even wanted to eat all day. The only thing I've consumed is a glass of water, a green tea pill, and my new favorite thing, diet ginger ale. It's still early in the afternoon, but I've discovered a new way to cope with hunger, or how to forget that I even get hungry. This last week I've been house-sitting for some friends of ours who live down the street.They've got two teenage daughters, and one's in my year. So... I'm not exactly the most respectful house guest most times. I love to snoop. I like snooping through cosmetics, and drawers, and bathrooms, and kitchens... I was snooping through their daughter's sparsely-supplied bookshelf, and found a book that I had been meaning to read, but just have never bought it. It's called Skinny, I'm sure you've heard of it. I decided I'd nick it for the day... So, I did! I figured I could just about finish it if I read it everywhere I went between that time and the time they got home. I read it when I walked my sister to Art Camp, I read it walking to the school for registration, I read it during registration... Everything and everywhere. But, when I got home, I tried to sit on the couch and read it. I noticed I wasn't reading nearly as quickly, which wasn't good because I wanted to finish it before the people got home so I could return the book. So, I got up and paced. My reading speed got so much faster AND I was burning calories. Sounds awesome, right? It was. Know what's even better? It kept me from being hungry at all. I suppose being engrossed in a novel keeps me occupied.

I'm starting to feel pangs right now, though... It's because I had to return the book because they were on their way back. I almost finished it. About 70 more pages and it would have been done. I think I'll go to the bookstore and just read the last part I didn't get to. It was way engrossing. I "devoured" it. Tee hee. I'm going to find another book, and take it to the park with me. I read much better when I'm walking, it seems. We shall see. Man, I don't even want to eat. This is brilliant.

Fail

It's not fair. I want as much control as you guys have. I want as much control as she has.

Skin

Has anybody seen the BBC series called "Skins"? I used to watch it when they still aired it on television, but I just recently found it again on YouTube. I decided to watch it all over again from the first episode. I'd forgotten exactly how raunchy it is! But I don't mind so much. I'd forgotten about the Cassie character. She's so beautiful... Her body. And she's got blonde hair and brown eyes, just like me. I can be just like her... Check her out.

I'm going to a party for the Academic Team here pretty quick. It's a swimming party. I can't decide if I'm going to swim, so I'm going to just bring my swim suit and have the option to change into it if I want. I've been good today. I'll be good at the party, too. The Cassie character is being a huge inspiration. How in control she appears to be... I want that. I will have that, thank you very much.

I bought some green tea pills today. I'll take them religiously and tell you all how they work for me. Love you! Hope you've had good days.

Uhhmm, Okay, Life. Fuck You, Too!

I'm not empty. But I stepped on the scale, anyway. It says I've gained 2 1/2 pounds. Unlikely, but I've probably gained a little less than that. I'm going to drink some more tea and hope it purges everything, then I'll weigh myself again. Yesterday on my walk, the funniest thing happened. I was walking along, rocking out to Alkaline Trio, and this incredibly hot guy ran up from behind me. As he ran, I could smell his deodorant. I love the smell of guy's deodorant, by the way. So, I smelled it, and then I got super motivated, because in my brain I was all, "If you walk a little faster and run a little harder, you can have that." So I did. It was great. I did about 9 miles walking yesterday, and then I went on a hike with Scott and the dog. It was 2.5 miles uphill. Needless to say, I'm a little sore today, but also needless to say, I'm going to do it all over again today.

I've got a busy day ahead of me. First, I need to walk the dogs, then I walk Gillian to Art Camp, then I walk to my face appointment to get my face burned off, then I do whatever the Hell I want (I'll probably just do some walking at Sherwood, since my face will be yellow for a couple hours), I'll need to walk to the drug store to get razors and whatever weight loss aids I fancy when I walk in there, I'll need to shave my legs and, ehem, other bits at some point, and then later in the evening I've got a swimming party for the Academic Team at one of my friend's houses. Notice how I didn't say "eat" in any of those. No, today's going to be all about diet Coke and exercise. After I'm all flushed, of course. A can adds about 1 pound of liquid to my body. Useful for doctor's visits!!!

Toying

Toying with what serious restriction would look like. I'm going to finish out the month on the plan I set at the beginning, but then I'm going to reduce my calories until I'm eating less than 200 daily. I need to get over this hump. If I get over it and am able to eat more than 200 calories a day, the heavy restriction won't be necessary, but if not... Desperate times call for desperate weight loss.

I CAN'T be over 117... It's just not going to happen! I'm not going to let it! Know why? Because I think I've gained 2 pounds, and those 2 pounds already make me look DISGUSTING!

Tomorrow will be better. This evening will be better. Maria, fill up on water, and drink your tea so you'll be empty for your weigh-in tomorrow. If you're full of food and stuff, you'll cry tomorrow morning when you see you've got a ton of weight that you didn't have on Saturday. You'll be depressed. I love you, Maria, and I want you to love yourself. I want you to do everything you need to do in order to love your body. You're going to be beautiful. Please, just try for your figure's sake. For the sake of your happiness and for the sake of your junior prom. Love yourself and be worthy of the love I have for you.

I'm going to clean, and go for another walk.

Back To The Park For Good

I just got back from a walk, burning about 500 calories. I'm going to start going back again, because I need the exercise and it helped me drop so much weight earlier in my journey. When school starts back up again I'll have a better time of things because I'll have so much homework. Also, our lunch period is 50 minutes long and the school's right next to the park where I walk (we're allowed off-campus), so instead of eating I'll be walking every day. Sounds pretty boss, right? I'm so excited for the first day. I've got a test in my literature class that day, but it'll be good, because I'll do so well on it and have a ton of motivation for the rest of the year in that class. I also have a really pretty dress picked out to wear... I've never posted a picture of myself to my blog. Maybe when I'm all dolled up for school it'll be the perfect time. I'm going to be more lovely by that time, I know it. Not quite as fat as I am now. So I'll look perfect in my dress. Oh. And my face is clearing up.

The website I use to calculate my calorie expenditures has all these other calculators. I calculated what my ideal "healthy weight" is. 130. That's so freaking disgusting. Even at 128.5 my body was soooo fat and bulky. How could somebody possibly be 130 pounds and be considered "healthy"? Gross. I'll never be over 128.5 again, as long as I live and care about how others see me.

Gosh... I hope life picks up. It'll keep me out of the house more. I'm doing a total purge on my room before school starts. It's been so rewarding! 2 trash bags full of useless JUNK has been sitting around my room, and that's only the papers and stuff sitting on my bookshelves! I'm kind of a bit of a slob... That's going to change this year. The time I'm not spending vegging out on the couch, EATING, will be spent staying pretty and keeping my room tidy. That sounds so boss. Saying all this makes me wonder why I ever have wanted to eat in the past. It seems like such a ridiculous waste of time, no? Yes. My time is precious. My body is precious. I'll keep both sound and safe where they belong. Weigh-in tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I didn't blog yesterday. No idea why... I'm starting to get good again. The last week or so have been one bad day after another. I need to remember what it's like to have another good day. Today's 500 calories. I'm going to see if my parents will let me go downtown or something to do a little shopping, so I can stay out of the house. It's so much easier when I'm not just here, alone all the time every day. Then I make up excuses for myself to eat... It isn't fair. Tomorrow's another weigh-in. Perhaps I can flush out my body and all the weight I've probably gained since Saturday will come out, too. I refuse to be the fat girl. I also refuse to be the "healthy girl". You know, not really thin but not morbidly obese? That's who I am now. I'm "healthy". I'm a farm-grade girl right now. Good for work. I don't want to be good for work. I want to be fragile and petite. I'll get there. It'll just take one day at a time. I love you all... Don't get down. Everything's going to be okay.

Fat

Fat fat fat fat fat Maria!!! NO more eating, for the love of God!!! Today was rediculous!!! I ate, like, 3 square meals during breakfast time. I didn't eat other than that, but it was still rediculous. Tomorrow will be different... 400 calories. Running my ass off. I won't gain back that weight.

Sleepless

Last night I didn't take my medicine. I was to paranoid to move from my place on the couch downstairs. And when I finally got off the couch to go to my room, I ran, and ran, and ran as fast as I could. When I got in bed, I couldn't sleep. I just sat there, still petrified by nothing. It comes with the Bipolar Disorder. The paranoia. The delusions. And I tried to go upstairs to get my computer, but the ceiling fans were going so fast I was certain they were going to fall on me. I couldn't move. So I ran back to my room and tried to sleep again to no avail. I calmed down eventually by drawing and came back upstairs to get some water, and took my pills, but I still can't sleep. It's too late for sleeping now. I guess I'll have to just do the day and crash hard tonight. 300 calories. No binging, or eating out of boredom. I'm going to stay busy today. I have to, or I'm afraid I'll gain back the last two pounds I lost.

I don't want to die of this... It's not what I want. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my mental and emotional illnesses that I've had in a very long time. It's the medicine I'm taking. My doctor upped the dosage. It's really messing me up. It knocked me out to sleep the first time I took it, but since then it's just been making me feel the symptoms of what's wrong with me. Derric got his phone shut off because they can't afford the bill. Annamay's at Warped Tour (as if she ever hangs out with me, anyway). All the rest are ignoring me or working and ignoring me. What's a girl to do? Become skinnier than all of them so they're all green with envy.

Ultimatum

I binged. Again. It's becoming an awful habit. This month was supposed to be about forming habits, but not THOSE kinds of habits!!! Pizza. And cereal. Two kinds. And toaster waffles. I'm so stupid. The binge is why my day turned so bad. It was fat-karma. I'm so fucking miserable. I'm so angry, I want to reach down my throat and grab the first organ my fat fingers curl around, and forcefully wrench it from use. I want to die. That's the long and short of it. I want to be dead. I want to be dead, and I want everybody who ever knew me to know that it's their fault they didn't consider me enough. I put up with so much! I do everything I can so that they can all live comfortably! So this is what I will do.

Dear Life,

This is an ultimatum. There are several conditions to this ultimatum. The first being I will not stop until one of the following happens: I am so thin that I can't possibly be sad about anything, I die, or life gets generally better. Got it? The second condition is I will not feed my body on my own free-will. The other times will be purely out of the inability to refuse. The last condition is if I die on this fast to death, so be it. It's better than being here, anyway.

Love until skinny,
Maria xx

Fuck it. I'm eating pizza. And I'm going to love every bite of it.

Weight

I just got back from a run with Jake. I stripped down and took my weight, nearly running to the scale. 113. Glad I didn't see a 4, afterall. My weigh-ins are every Wednesday and Saturday. I thought it would space out my week well. Gosh... I'm pretty psyched to be over the 115.5 hump I was in. It was a total weight loss drought. Maybe all the binging I did helped. Maybe I just wasn't working hard enough. Either way, today is a 200 calorie day. Nothing until dinnertime. I considered eating a parfait from McDonald's, which would put me at 160 and make me really happy, but I have the opportunity to go to dinner with Jake's family tonight. They're leaving town tomorrow. He's good for conversation.

Even if I did go out to dinner with them, I'd probably only get a salad. That'd be, what, 50 calories at best? I dunno... Will decide later. For now, I'm going to take an acid-killer and drink some water.

Dinner

I had one small slice of pepperoni pizza. I picked off the pepperoni and set them off to the side. I ate the pizza slice, crust first as always, tiny bite by tiny bite. I made a meal of it, eating it very slowly while my family ate theirs. There are 2 more slices in the fridge... Unfortunately, the pepperoni made it into my mouth and down my gullet. I'd estimate 50 calories over my limit. Totally gross. Tomorrow's a weigh-in. I don't think I'm empty, so I'll drink some tea and hope it all comes up tomorrow morning before my jog with Jake. I need an accurate weight. And I need to see a 4 on the scale some day soon. If not, I very well might kill myself. This is misery. My legs are so ugly, and scaly, and hairy, and unevenly tanned, and... ugly.

Pizza

Help. Me. My family and I are going to Pizza Hut tonight for dinner. What is it with Pizza Hut, anyway??? We never go there! And this will be twice this week. I just looked up the nutrition. There's nothing I can have tonight. Guess I'm sticking with a salad. Help me, please. I don't know what to do. They'll think something's up if I just get a salad.

Maria Can Now Save Your Life

Just got back from that CPR class! And I found my straightener this morning, but didn't have to use it. I had to walk to the Red Cross this morning, which meant that I had to get an earlier start, which meant that after my run with Jake this morning I had to shower quickly. Makes sense, right? Made sense to me until step-monster said, "Blargh! Nooo! I must shower first, for I must go to work, even though I have to be at work an hour after you have to go to CPR..." and a bunch of other stuff. And then right when I was about to hop into the shower when he was done (I shower in the basement), I hear my mother turn on the water in the upstairs shower... Major pouty-face. Short story long, I eventually got to shower, and got my hair dried just in time to throw on some clothes and leave. Didn't look half bad, if I do say so myself. When I got to the class, I was sat by the obligatory middle school cheerleaders. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

I felt like not quite the ugliest girl in the room, but one of them. I guess I'm pretty, but I don't know... Never am I pretty in public when compared to others. That has to change... I will be a size 3 by the time school starts. Oh! By the way. I was shopping at The Gap recently, and my mom wanted me to try on a pencil skirt. She got me a 4 and a 2. The 4 was a fucking lampshade, and the 2 was about to fall off. So? She got me a 0. Perfect fit. Then I tried on a size 2 dress. To big. 0? Still a little big. Happiness, no? Now if only my leggies would shrink up, too... Stupid fucking leggies...

B - 0

L - 1 lemon cookie - 105
1 chocolate cookie - 45
2 Coke 0's - 0

Uhm... Wow... When I ate the cookies, I calculated them at being MUCH MUCH less calories than the lemon cookie ended up being. Holy fucking FUCK!!! I just looked it up, and... wow... Bad mistake. But now I know. They had snacks set out all through the class. I didn't bring a lunch, but I took a pill this morning and a pill at lunchtime, and ate the cookies just to shut my stomach up the rest of the way. The Coke was provided, too, and it helped so much. I would have had water, but it tasted soooo bad. Sooo... 300 calorie limit. 150 calories consumed. 150 left to pick at dinner. Sounds awesome. I think I'll go out for a walk in the meantime. Just to keep me out of the house, you know? My feet hurt. Suck it up, bitch. Size 3.

CPR

I can feel my ribs. Though I still hate myself. I can't find my hair straightener, and my hair's a mess. I have a CPR class with a bunch of little girls today who will probably look better than I do with my greasy hair and Alkaline Trio t-shirt. Why do I always have to be the ugly one? Why can't I once be the pretty girl in class? I'm going to sweep my bedroom one more time in search of my straightener, and if I don't find it, I'm going to go with some pigtails. Game?

Today's a 300 calorie day. Might as well be a fast. I plan on going to this class, not eating lunch, taking some of those anti-tummy-acid pills and living off of that so I can pick at dinner tonight. Yesterday was unacceptable. Today I will be perfect.

I told Derric about my binge. He said that I let him down... I know I did, and I needed to hear that I did, but it still makes me sad. And then my ex-ex sent me a picture of the dessert he was eating. It looked so delicious. It was misery. Why?

I suck. Shoot me now. I hate myself. I hate everything. Fucking sweets. Fucking animal cookies. I hate food. I hate sugar. I hate fat fat fat. Fuck it all.

Another Day

Today will be different than yesterday. Actually, TONIGHT will be different... Ugh. Stupid. Mui mucho stupido. Grandma-ma decided she was going to take my sister and I to lunch today. She chose Pizza Hut... Ugh... Pizza... My one and only surefire demise... I took the initiative to look up their menu nutrition, and what did I find out? I found out that what I would have ordered had almost TWICE the calories of my limit today! Crisis evaded! In your face, Pizza Hut! I got a one-trip salad bar instead of the pizza, and I hope my thighs will thank me for it. Let's calculate!

L - salad -
a. lettuce - 15
b. beets - 5
c. cucumber - 2.5
d. carrots - 15
e. cheese shreds - 18
f. grapes - 10
g. sunflower seeds - 55

TOTAL: 120.5

Yay! The sunflower seeds kinda killed the over-all barely there lunch I was going for, but it's all good. That means a little less than 300 calories for the rest of the day and I'm golden.

I just got back from the shortest walk EVER! Okay, it wasn't the shortest walk ever, but it was shorter than I wanted. I had planned to go for another 2 hour walk/run, but my grandmother had an appointment to get her nails done, so I had to watch my sister. I told Gilli that we were going to go to the park so I could run, and that she could play in the playground. She was totally cool with that, so I thought I was going to get done what I wanted to get done, and then this overwhelming feeling of guilt washed over me... I hated seeing her play by herself. I mean, she's almost 10 and all, but I still felt really, really bad. I did two miles, then told her we were going to go home. She seemed relieved, but I could also tell that she didn't want to upset me. She kept trying to convince me that she wasn't lonely, but I could tell she was... She really can be a sweet kid, when she's not busy being evil.

I'm going to do my "chores" for the day (half of which I already did yesterday). Step-monster makes a list every morning, and we comply. He just needs his thumb on top of me, that's all. Fuck him. Or, better yet, don't fuck him... He's kinda gross.

At least the chores will keep me burning calories and keep my brain busy from mentally eyeing the cereal we've got. I haven't had a normal bowl of cereal in ages. Let's keep it that way, shall we?

We shall. I've got weight to lose.

B - 0

L - Chipotle whatsit - 290
Apple Juice - 120

I'm under 500, but I don't know how accurate my numbers are. So I'm done eating for the day, if I can avoid it... I hope I can. Maybe I can get away with saying that I ate Ramen, since I'm not in the spotlight currently. I think that's what I'm going to do. My stomach's been relatively submissive today, which is excellent because of last night. It really set me behind where I'd like to be... Hopefully it doesn't make the difference between success and failure this August. I can't give up. I REFUSE to give up. I'm way stronger than that. It's not grumbling as much as it usually does this time of the day, which is AWESOME! I'm just afraid it'll start getting angry. What if it does and I finish off some more of that chocolate? I don't think I'd stop. Not to mention I'd be over 500 in an instant.

I got my retainer changed out today. It hurts like a bitch (and bitches hurt a lot), but that means I have an excuse to not eat. If I don't take my retainer out, I can't eat, and if
************************************************************************************
I wrote that three hours ago. Since then I've eaten about two chocolate bars. And had a juice box. And been a fatass. I hate myself. I hate how horribly my family makes me feel. We got into another intense discussion tonight. It was different than last night, but still made me depressed. Depressed enough to break what I've been working towards. Even after a 115.5 sorta-weight that the scale read this morning. I hate my life... I wish I were dead. I've tried to kill myself enough times that most of my options are exhausted. I won't try them again. I already know that they won't work for me. Why can't I be skinny? This isn't fair. I'm a good person, aren't I? I do good things for the world and the people on it. Why can't I be beautiful? I'll always be ugly.

FML

Last night was misery. And the worst part is I can't even talk about it anymore... I'm not allowed to. So I'll just say that we had some difficult conversations in regards to a letter in regards to something terrible that happened to me. I felt like killing myself. I tried and tried to think of a way to do it, but I couldn't. I didn't eat dinner. I did however attempt to drown myself if chocolate. I ate a chocolate cupcake from the Cheesecake Factory, and then 1 1/4 of those huge Hershey's chocolate bars. I think it was my first REAL food binge. I was just so miserable... I didn't know what to do. I just ate the entire thing, and I have 1 3/4 in the freezer still.

I guess I picked the worst night to do that, though, because today was supposed to be my empty weigh-in. I weighed myself, anyway, despite the binge, and came to a happy conclusion that even with a stomach full of chocolate I still weigh 115.5, which was my lowest weight ever before my trip. So obviously I can conclude that I lost all of the weight I gained back. I wonder if I actually weigh less? Guess I'll find out Saturday when my next real weigh-in is. Or, I could empty myself out over the rest of today and do a weight tonight. We will see. I hate everything.

Don't Stop

I just got back from a God-knows-how-many-mile run. I stayed out for two hours. I told myself, "Self, you are simply NOT allowed to even consider leaving this park until 2:40. Failure is not an option." Self listened. I think I stopped counting after 6 miles... I probably did something around 9. Ah, I don't even know. The point is I ran for 2 hours, meaning I got rid of about 530 calories. Tres boss. I'm going to go and shower, and stay away from these Dove mini-square things that my grandmother dropped in front of my face. She doesn't think I'm eating. I think she's right. But she can't know that *shhh! Being very sneaky*.

I'm floating on air. The running high set in about a half hour ago. I want to be able to float like this all the time, without all this gross fat weighing me down. I'm a balloon, I'm a whisp of cotton. I'm a Necko Wafer in a rainstorm... Fuck it.

EDIT: I ran so much that my thighs chaffed. So now I walk like a cowboy. Yeehaw?

It Was A Liiiiiittle Early...

It's only about noon, and I ate a little too much for this early in the day. The morning started off great. I drank some green tea, I took that pill, and took Gillian to swimming lessons. And I started to crash... I hadn't eaten at all at that point, and was feeling fine, but I started to lose it. I felt myself becoming grumpy and pissy. But there was nothing safe in the house! I ate a banana with the intention of stopping there, but then I ate my last marzipan mouse, and then I heated up the last left-over enchilada... I haven't gone over (yet), but it means that dinner can't exist and I have to work out a little extra today. Let's do a calorie count, just to make sure I didn't break my 600 calorie limit.

B - 0
L - banana - 105
mouse - 151
enchilada - 251
TOTAL: 507

Perfect. I just wish that I had saved a little wiggle-room for tonight, just in case I had to eat dinner with the family. Oh! I can't eat tonight, anyway, because now I have to start flushing my body for an accurate weigh-in tomorrow morning. Wish me luck! I'll be needing it.

I've been reading your blogs (of course), and feeling sad... I wish you weren't struggling as much as you are. I understand the struggle, because I've been there, too, it just hurts me inside that such wonderful girls are hurting so much... We're going to be okay. Actually, we're going to be better than okay. We're going to be so boss. Nobody's going to be able to keep their eyes off of us when we walk down the streets, we'll be so lovely and thin. It's going to happen, and we are all strong enough to make it happen. I love you all. I'm going to go for a 500 calorie walk with the direct intent of burning weight off. If I'm 500 calories down today, I'll for sure be down a pound at the end of the week weigh-in on Saturday. But before I go for my walk, I'm going to drink some purging tea. It usually cleans me out nicely (ew).

Ending Remarks. As If.

L - Enchilada - 251

D - Mouse - 151
Grilled Cheese - 282
Fruit Punch - 52

TOTAL - 736

Today was pretty much excellent. Everything went smoothly, for the most part. The pill I took seemed to help a lot, so it's going to become a staple. I've already been planning meals ahead of time for the lower-calorie days of this month. Sometimes it's easier to eat more or nothing at all then to eat a small little bit and say, "quit".

I broke a rule today. I ate bread. And it was in the car. What was I doing in the car? Going to my new therapist for an awkward first appointment. He was really cool, though, despite his crotchety first impression. He made the kind of dry jokes that make me laugh, was smart with word play, didn't undermine my intelligence, or write me off as a normal teenage girl like my last therapist did. He asked me questions about eating disorders, though, or compulsive habits. I lied. I lied my face off. Why the Hell would I tell somebody who'd make me stop after all of this progress I'm making? I'm in the prime. The total prime. Things can't get bad at this point. I won't let them.

My mom took me to my appointment, and then we went and got our nails done. I picked out a pretty green color from OPI called Honey Dew This, and realized after she put it on my nails that it matched my peridot necklace! Perfect for August, no? Yes. I didn't get my toes done, too, but that's only because there was this one night when Joey sneaked out with me and I fell off of a concrete porch. I was so dizzy from restricting that day, so I just kinda fell over. It scuffed some patches of skin off of the top of my feet (ew) and I didn't want them exfoliating off my scabs (also ew).

Sculpture: the art of taking away the excess until only the masterpiece remains.

I like that.

I'll keep that with me. I am a sculpture. The food I eat (and don't eat) is the sculptor, and if the sculptor does the right things, I will be a masterpiece.

I kind-of-sort-of broke another rule today, and stepped on the scale. But I didn't really break the rule, because I didn't wait until I was empty and naked, so I can't count it as a legit weigh-in. I guess it was just... a check-in? I don't know... Maybe it was just reassurance that I wasn't 130 pounds. I want to be tiny by the end of this month. Tinier by the next. We all will be tiny by the end of this journey. We can do it together. I'm hungry... I'm going to wash my face, take my pills, drink some water and go to bed. Maybe.

Skinny Pants? Getting there...

I tried on my size 5 skinnies. Fit like a dream! I mean, they don't look great on me. I'm still too fat to wear them and feel skinny. But the point is that they're a size five and that they fit. I'm going to buy a pair of size 3 jeans and try them on at the end of the month. They're my goal. My ultimate goal is 0, but baby steps, Maria. Baby steps... Off to go house clean! Burn some more calories.

When I ate lunch today, I took an Omeprazole beforehand, which was prescribed to me when I had that ulcer. I guess it's like Prilosec on speed. I took it to reduce stomach acid so I wouldn't feel hungry. Does that work? It seemed to have worked for me, because I'm totally full still, but maybe I'm just tricking myself. I don't know... If anybody knows if that works, will they tell me? If so, I have the whole bottle left, and it could be very useful.

Going Swimming?

I have to walk my sister to swimming lessons, and I haven't showered yet... Ew. I look disgusting, but I guess I'll just have to put my head down and trudge through the awful feelings I have for myself. At least I don't smell bad.

I haven't eaten yet, which is excellent. You all are making me so happy with all the support. We're out of normal, tasty green tea, so I had to down a cup of disgusting green tea instead. I kind of said, "Down the hatch!" just to get it over with and still follow the rules. I don't drink the stuff for taste. I drink it for the benefits.

My legs are so fat. I don't think there's anything I can do except starve myself down. Nothing is working. I want to be a waif... Maybe I'll just have to settle for sickly. This month will bring about change, I know it will. I just need to stay the course and I will be happy. Course = Happy. Perhaps I'll be lovely for school. Perhaps somebody besides my ex will want to take me out. Perhaps I'm diluted...

Edit much?

Okay, so I forgot about the bowl of cereal I ate when I got home so that I could get my fiber for the day. Yes, cereal follows the rules. I had that Kashi Go Lean stuff. I love the way it tastes, and it totally fills me up for hours. I eat the 1 cup serving size (140 calories) with a half cup of milk (67) and I don't have the drive to eat at all. It's not exactly low-cal, but it's 40% of your daily fiber and has a bunch of protein. Keeps tummeh happeh.

So, I ate more than I initialy thought I did, but just got off the exercise bike in our basement and took Jack-ums for a walk. He's horrible to walk. Absolutely awful. He totally yanks me around and stuff. It's a workout in and of itself. In the time it takes me to walk him for a mile, I can do four by myself. Oh, well... I hope everybody else is doing well. It's hard not hearing from many of you. Much love.

EDIT EDIT: I am boss. At this moment, I am at 646 calories. My limit today is 800. So, in order to follow my rules to the letter, I will ingest some more now. Not too much time before bedtime, but not right before, you know? Metabolize those calories, dammit!

Maria's Flying

and feeling great! My family and I went to Ouray today for a couple hours just to walk around. I drove, sans brekkie :) We had lunch at some pub, and I did a good job! I got a sandwich, ate the insides are skipped the bread. Afterwards, we went to a chocolate shop called Mouse's, who's famous for making these little mice out of marzipan. I got a few, along with a chocolate truffle. I ate the truffle, and a mouse, and that's all I've had since about three hours ago. I followed all the rules! So far... Time for a calorie count:
B - nothing

L - 1 slice of Swiss cheese - 70
1 rasher - 54
turkey breast - 45

1 marzipan mouse - 204
1 truffle - 62

Aaaaaand... dinner will be sneaked away into pockets, and plastic, and boxes, and eventually the trash, understand, Maria? *Oh, yes! I understand!*

I feel really good about myself right now. This August is going to be amazing. My mom bought me a pendant of amber, and I found the peridot pendant my grandmother gave me for Christmas. I'm going to wear it all month. I think I'm going to go for a walk so I can get out of the house and get away from the kitchen. Fuck family dinnertime.